The Fisherman: Perspective On Hunger
by AmyDeHP
Summary: Finnick Odair's life unchanged, from his own point of view. The cover is drawn by the amazing Alice X. Zhang, thank you Alice for being such a great artist.Note:Starting chap8, because after that the events will come from the original novels and the story must stay unchanged, some dialogues will be copied from Catching Fire and Mockingjay as are. Those dialogues will be in italic.
1. Perspective On Hunger

"I can't recall I've ever tasted hunger. Nor can I recall I've ever known what it's like to be unable to feed your family. That's because even if my parents hadn't died when I was a new born and hadn't left me to Mags, our district's oldest victor who's, of course, wealthier than most of us due to being a victor, the ocean will never let you go home without food.

When I was 7, Mags took me to the sea and said,"I won't always be there for you. You'll have to earn your living without my help, one day. Most of the other districts envy us, my boy, because we have the ocean. The ocean might not give you a safe place to live or water, but it will give you literally everything else."

And that was how I started earning my living. I'd go fishing, and with the fish I got and the livestock the capitol gave to Mags, we'd both never sleep with an empty stomach. In the evening, we'd both always have a good meal while Mags tells me stories about all the children she mentored and how they all died. For some reason I knew too late, she'd always avoid some details while talking about her annual visits to the capitol. I'd ask her, but she'd be just as silent as the ocean.

And, just like it gave me a living, the ocean gave me Annie.

I knew her a few years before my hunger games. Back then, she was just this shy girl who doesn't talk a lot. She and her father were on a small boat that went way too far in the ocean they were lost, but the ocean has never been less than my best friend. Seeing the water, you'd think it's a homogeneous spectacle with no signs of directions, where you'd be lost easily if it weren't for a map or a compass. But oddly, I always knew my directions in the ocean using nothing but my eyes and my heart. So I found her and her father and I saved them.. and this is how we met.

It was her father who made me my first trident. I was 11 and he made it for me to thank me for saving them. And in three years of training, I became an expert with it.

Everything was perfect. Yes back then I didn't have Annie on my mind like now, but she and her father were part of my family just like Mags, and I'd make sure they too never taste hunger again.. we were as happy as we could be.

Until they decided to take me away from all that.

The reaping day, I'd brought some shellfish and shrimps, And Mags cooked them and brought salty bread our district is famous for from the market, and we invited Annie and her father to a meal before the reaping. Then we all went to the square where the reaping is held. I stand in one raw with all the boys of my age and I hear the boring tape which represents the only bad memory in my happy life. The silly escort of our district then says the usual silly "Ladies first.." as if it will make a difference. When it comes to taking you to an event where you'll die.. does it make a difference if you're chosen first or second, or should ladies be invited to die first our of etiquette? I watch Mags looking at this silly woman in hatred that only those who know her well would notice. Mags' face is as deep as the ocean.

She picks a name that I don't remember.. I only paid attention to the fact that it was not Annie's. Yes Annie didn't mean to me back then what she'd mean to me later, but I still cared about her, we were friends. Of course, later came the volunteers.. one big girl with a scary build was chosen.

"Then for the boys…" she puts her fat fingers in that bowl and finally picks one piece of paper. I bet she enjoys our fear and dismay as she prolongs the reaping period. I start to feel bored.. I just want to spend the rest of the day with my family in a boat. So I think when she calls the name of the male tribute of the year.

"Finnick Odair".

I hear nothing but silence. The sound of the ocean a few miles away from the square sounds in my ears as I see a few things: An expression of disbelief on Mags' face.. Annie raises her hands and covers her face with them.. and the boy who was supposed to volunteer this year.. A 17 year-old Mark Sheller who never hid his hatred to me for living the luxurious life of a victor without being one.. puts this smile on his face which clearly says "Maybe next year..".. and this is all I see in the world as my feet automatically advance to the stage."


	2. Let The Games Begin

**The Fisherman.2: Let The Games Begin**

"First of all.. never.. under no circumstances.. go to the cornucopia."

"But what if I need…"

"Never. You'll just be dropped in the field, you'll see the direction of the cornucopia and you'll run the other direction."

I knew this was the best plan to avoid getting killed in the 1st day, but then remained the question:What about my needs? Food, water, weapons..

As if she's reading my mind, Mags says,"Whatever you'll need I'll make sure you never lack it. I'll get you the sponsors."

"The sponsors might be able to send me some bread, a bottle of mineral water, but what am I going to kill with? Nobody will send me something as expensive as a weapon!"

"I'll take care of this. If you trust me, Finnick, don't go to the cornucopia."

And so was the conversation over. Do I trust Mags? Do I know her advice is the best way to stay alive? Of course. Maybe a woman as smart as Mags.. a woman who has made her way out of this one day using only her wits can get a 14 year old boy out of it alive too.

"Now listen to me, Finnick. If 23 kids will die in that field anyway.. and you're going to be one of them unless you execute some dirty work.. will you do it?"

Does she mean.. would I kill?

"I don't know, Mags.. Maybe it's easier for me and for you if I just throw myself under a career's sword in the cornucopia and end this. I'm not sure I'll be able to kill one of those kids.."

"They'll die anyway and it will be either them or you. You have to do it, Finnick. Isn't your death going to be the death of an innocent child, too? Would it be less horrible that you die?"

She asks the question and I'm speechless. Yes, I'm a child too. Yes, 23 children are going to die anyway and it makes no big difference if I die.. things will be no better.

"You'll have to be able to stand in there.. use the weapon that I'll send you.. and do it. It'll be either you or them, Finn."

It'll just take some time. Some time.. and not only I'll see the logic of it.. but I'll be able to execute too.

"How will you get me all those sponsors, Mags. How will you convince them to sponsor me.. a little weak boy.. and not Cevina?"

Cevina is the girl tribute from my district. She made it clear from the beginning that she doesn't hear what Mags is saying about the cornucopia. She'll just go there and join the careers and the cornucopia will be theirs.

"You're not weak, Finnick. You just don't see your strength. You look weak, just the look of a pretty little boy, but you're not. I know you're strong from cutting wood for boats and I see you train with the trident. And.. you know the capitol people. Just mindless peacocks who care the most about appearance."

Of course she was able to say that because we were on the roof.. an area which Mags knows not to be watched.

"They liked you in your parade outfit and the interview strategy we used tonight was successful, you can tell by the look I saw on Caesar's face. Your training rating was 8. They liked the way you look, Finnick, and they'll sponsor you with the slightest request."

"I'm betting on you, Finnick Odair. I'm betting on the boy I raised as a son and who doesn't know his strength."

I listen to her, and I start to figure out what to do.

The next day, My stylist, Senthia, puts on me the tribute's outfit, and I wear my token.. A necklace that Annie made for me before running to her room with blushing cheeks. A necklace shaped as a trident.

I'm dropped into the arena and the first thing that hits me is the sun. It's a meadow. With some trees in it like palms.. you can see a forest far from it. And in the middle of the meadow was the cornucopia. I know now what to do. I'll just run to the forest and ignore the cornucopia. I'll hide in the trees.

Sixty seconds pass and now everybody runs. only 3 or 4 were smart enough to avoid the cornucopia. The rest were either careers or idiots. I run as fast as I can to the forest.

As I arrived to the woods, I didn't stop. I waited until I reached an area that looked sheltered and far from the blood bath and I rested under a tree. After what seemed like a short time, probably half an hour, a silver parachute landed in front of me. Mags is fast!

It's a bottle of water, she knows I must be thirsty from running. And I know the reason she hasn't sent me food is there is probably some near me. I look up in a tree and I see apples, and more importantly, a monkey eating some. I wait a few minutes and it seems fine. I climb up and take two, and eat them while drinking the water. Thank God the arena was hot, I didn't have to light fire.. this would make it easy for the careers to find me.

I just waited there and ate more apples until the night came. Before then, Mags sent me some nets and I made some traps around me to make sure no one can kill me in my sleep. This is definitely one of my strengths. I start to see what Mags said about them.

But before I fall asleep, a third parachute lands. One that seemed to drop faster, which indicates it's heavier. The pack was rectangular and huge. I open it and I see, to my surprise, a silver trident.

Let the games begin.


	3. Still Friends

**The Fisherman.3: Still Friends**

"-"Annie.. this is wrong. I can't be your friend anymore."

So I said to Annie in front of my house in Victory Village as she came to bring me some cake to congratulate me. I have my own house there now, but most of the time I'm at Mags'.

-"But.. why?" she said, terrified.

-"You must be joking. You're standing right here offering me cakes for killing 5 children on my own? Didn't you see me trap those kids with nets and stab them to death with my trident? Do you still consider me the boy who was your friend for 3 years? Well guess what Annie.. I'm not. I'm a monster. I went to that arena and became a monster.. just like they wanted. I killed innocent children!" I was yelling. It was the first time ever I yelled at Annie.

-"F… Father and Mags said it wasn't your fault." A bit of tears was in here eyes.

-"You know when good kids go there Annie, what do they do? They just stand in their naively and wait for someone to kill them. Winning one of those games means you're a monster. It means you've killed and you're ready to kill so that you can survive, Annie."

-"And you think your death would have stopped this monstrosity? Do you think if you'd been there and you were killed and somebody else had won the games, it would have been less of a terrible thing? The fact that you didn't die would have changed nothing, Finn. 22 of those children still would have died."

I have nothing to answer her with.

It's logical, and quite understandable. Yet the faces of those I killed still chase me in my nightmares. I wake up every night screaming. One night, Mags refused to leave me alone. She hugged me all night. I found it quite shameful because I'm no longer 5. I'm a man.. I'm a Hunger Games victor! I never mentioned that night nor did she, but I have to confess when I slept again in her arms that night, I had no more nightmares.

If this is a survival games where people will die anyway.. why am I feeling guilty? Why am I feeling like I killed those kids, not the capitol? The truth is I was just a knife.. just a tool the capitol used to kill those children. But does it make it less ugly? To be a tool? To allow them to use me?

As I think, Annie advances to me and slowly.. And wraps her arms around me.

"We all think you're a great person, Finnick, we all love you. My father and Mags know it wasn't your fault and the whole district is proud of you. I'm proud of you."

I feel something inside me.. this feeling I feel for the first time. I feel something moving inside me.. my heart starts to beat faster or so it seemed, and I felt my face getting hotter. Was that blood running into my cheeks? But that's inappropriate.. I'm a man! I don't blush like little girls!

I try to talk in a manly way..

-"Thank you, Annie." But all that comes out of my mouth is whisper.

-"I'd rather see you live to stop this one day than die as a part of it." She whispers. What doe she mean? She just let me wonder.

She steps back unwrapping her arms, and she smiles with blushing cheeks too and says,"You, Finn, have no choice. We are still friends." then she runs away to her home."


	4. The Beautiful Hour Before Darkness

Four years it's been. Four years from now I was just a happy child. Four years from now I thought the future was clear: One day I'll fall for a girl and we'll get married in our own sea cabin and we'll have kids.. until it was decided that I change my plans a bit.

I've killed 5 children and mentored 6 to their death. Now I have this ugly scar on every year: I have to go to the capitol for two or three weeks to mentor 2 kids who will die, most of them are not even much older than me if they were older at all (The 1st year I mentored, I mentored a 17 year old boy and an 18 year old girl, they were both younger than me, it was awkward when I tried to order them or advise them they'd be like, who the hell are you?) But this year I'm turning 18, which means no tributes will be older than me anymore. A part of me that is still childish cheered for that, but the other parts were wondering if it makes any difference.

But anyway, Mags goes with me to those visits, and this makes them easier.

In those four years, my feelings for Annie have changed. She's no longer my shy and kind friend, she's everything in my life now that Mags is not. We spent a lot of times by the shore together, and they were when I realized how I feel about her. I can remember our first kiss, two years ago. Ever since, we've been together in every way, yet our maximum physical acts were hugs and kisses.

It's my birthday.. Mags has bought a beautiful cake from town and Annie and her father are here.

Mags seems somewhat nervous. I'm trying to know what is wrong with her, but she won't say. But because I know her, I know she'll tell me sooner rather than later, so I decide to leave her alone.

We eat the cake and I crack a lot of jokes which Annie and her father laugh to, yet Mags seems uncomfortable.

"You know, I got this movie from the capitol last year and never watched it before. Let's watch it on the TV."

I take her upstairs to my room. We do this a lot, just sit on the floor watching a movie on the TV. But for some reason.. I had a feeling tonight would be different. I turn the TV on and start the tape.. and we start watching a usual stupid action movie where the capitol is just trying to show more and more luxury. I watch the tape and have some thoughts that the capitol would definitely censor of they could. I start thinking about how all of this comes from us, district people who give them their power and suffer from it. The cars the hero and the villain race in.. they're made in district 6. The clothes they're wearing are made in district 8. The heroin's jewelry is made in district 1. The food they're eating.. comes from my district, and districts 10 and 11.

Without us, the capitol is nothing.. they have nothing. If one day we won't give them all that.. they'll die from hunger and poverty too. Maybe we can? Maybe one day we will? Maybe..

"I think he's cute." Annie says about the main guy, interrupting my thoughts.

-"Ah.. you like him?" I say.. kind of irritated.

-"You didn't let me finish. I think he's cute.. but really do you think I might prefer a capitol boy over you? Or could a capitol boy be half as good looking as you anyway?"

I smile.. a little cautious. Are we only going to talk about my appearance?

As if she's reading my mind, she goes.."And you're also kind and you have a great sense of humor.. you're everything I could dream of. But I sometimes think if I would have loved you even without all those things.." She was whispering in my ears..

-"..And?"

-"And, I don't think there would have been a substitute. You're the one and only person I would have loved, Finn. You're my whole life."

I don't know when I started that.. was it subconscious? But I caught Annie's chin with a hand a started messing with her hair with the other hand, while kissing her. I was unconsciously whispering "I love you" in her ear before she mentions something about her father and Mags being downstairs.. but I wouldn't let anything interrupt.

We went on and on.

-"Finn.. Finnick.. wake up, sweetie.."

I wake up to those words and Annie's face. Is that.. the most beautiful morning in my life? Possibly.

-"I slept over."

-"And.. your father was downstairs last night? Oh God.."

She laughs.

-"Relax, Finn. Last night I was the worried one and you're the one who wanted to do this. My father loves you, and he knows we both belong with each other. He knew this would happen sooner or later."

I start to relax. Still.. how am I going to meet the man when I take his daughter home? "Hi sir, sorry for not sending your daughter home yesterday, we were getting intimate." Oh well, he sure would understand.

Still speechless, she was the one who said," Let's go downstairs and have breakfast."

-"I didn't even invite you to breakfast? Oh Annie I'm so sorry, I'm still.. kind of thinking how to meet your father and all.."

-"It's okay, let's put something on first."

We put our clothes on, when she suddenly goes.. "Worried about my father? How are you feeling about meeting Mags now?"

-"That's a nice thought to give me, sweetheart, thank you very much." I retort and she laughs. That's a good question.. what to say and react to Mags?

We go downstairs and there she is. "Good morning, Finn, Annie. I already made you breakfast."

"Thanks, Mags." For both making us breakfast and acting like nothing is up.

We eat our tuna sandwiches and Mags brings a tray with pot full of coffee and of course some cream and sugar cubes. I add the cream to Annie's coffee and ask her," Want a sugar cube?" and she smiles and asks for two.

After that, with Mags still not bringing the awkward things up, and me grateful for that, I take Annie home. As we stand at her porch I feel like running away.. but no. I'm a hunger games victor. I've seen death. I'm not scared of the father of my girl who knows we just.. Slept over. Or am I?

He opens the door.. and I'm there with his daughter. My face goes hotter.. how long has it been since I last blushed?

"Hello, kids.. had fun?"

Whoa.. what should I say?

-"K.. uh.. yes.." I go.. and I don't see Annie's face because I'm standing behind her.

-"Great! Come to dinner tonight Finn if you'll be available, I caught some sea bass earlier today, it will be great when I'm done grilling it."

-"I would be delighted." I say, smiling cautiously. He doesn't seem angry.. but who knows?

-"Then come and get Mags with you."

-"Thank you, sir."

-"Finnick, the last time you called me sir was 5 years ago. Just relax, kid, will you?"

-"Uh.. sure." I smile, still cautious.

-"Come in, young lady." He says to Annie. "See you at dinner tonight, Finn."

-"Have a great day, s.. dad." I call him with the word I've been calling him with for years. Yes, considering him my father made my relationship with Annie sort of awkward, but the four of us have no other choice: Ever since we knew each other Annie's mine and I'm hers, and Mags is Annie's mother she never got to know and her father is the father I never got to know. This is my family and I've always loved them like that.

Before I walk and after Annie has just been in, he smiles at me.. a very normal, very pure smile that I know to hide nothing. I smile back similarly, this time without caution, and walk after he closes his door.

Now I have to face Mags. Yes she didn't mention it in front of Annie but she's my mother, a conservative 74 year old woman who's more like my granny, and she knows before I loved Annie there's been no one else (And I was a child, really) and after I loved her I've kept myself exclusive for her. And she knows about last night and she definitely knows it was.. the first time.

I walk into the door of my victory village house.. she's usually here or I'm at hers, it's very rare for us to be separate.. and I blush again. Seriously?

I look at her waiting for her to say something.. she looks just as nervous and uncomfortable as last night, and she looks at me in my obvious "How much trouble" attitude.. I wait for her to start a long conversation about it and maybe blame me for embarrassing her and Annie's father but.. she smiles and says "Just tell me you were good, kid."

On our train to the capitol Mags looks more and more nervous. It's been a week since my birthday and she's still as confusing and she won't say a thing. I start to worry about her.

Wrong it might be, but really I could care less about my two tributes: The usual big boy and big girl who volunteer every year thinking the odds may be ever in their favor. Why does nobody understand that there is no winner in those games? Even those lucky enough to make it out with their lives.. even I.. we've lost our humanity. We've killed children so that we can live and we justified it. But not only criminals we are, we're also victims. We were not forced to kill those children, but we were forced to go to those games and either die or become murderers. We wake up every night screaming ourselves out of a nightmare... one with dying children or with our own beloved ones dying. The only people who won are those who watch us kill or get killed and cheer. Those who maybe don't see us as equal humans because if they did, I'm sure they'd consider that they wouldn't want that to happen to their own kids.

Then if those two teenagers are going to lose anyway... why should I care? Getting one of them our of there alive wouldn't mean he lost much less that he would've if he or she had died in there.

Teenagers.. why do I always forget that I'm one? Maybe because I've seen so much death I feel like I'm older than Mags?

We arrive to the capitol and as we're out of the train, I see the real winners of the hunger games wave to us and scream... maybe more for me than for the tributes... as shallow and superficial as always.

We arrive to the remake center first and I watch some shallow stylist put those kids in the usual outfits of mermaids and fishermen and cover them with nets... everything just like every other game. Mags and I sit in their chariot and watch the capitol people scream and cheer for them. In a few days those very people will be extremely enjoying their time watching them die.

After the parade we arrive to the training center. As I enter, three men in formal suits stop me.

-"Mr. Odair, will you come with us, please?"

-"Is there something wrong?"

-"It is a very important matter." I see with the corner of my eye Mags looking at us.. and I don't need to turn my head to see that she's terrified. "We are told to take you to the president's mansion as he would like to see you."

-"The president"?

-"President Coriolanus Snow."

-"Drink, Mr. Odair?"

-"No alcohol for me, thanks."

-"Ah.. what a healthy young man. No morphling.. athlete.. no alcohol.. and enjoying life as a young man ought to be."

A guard with a formal suit hands him a golden trey with porcelain pot with floral shapes on it, and a small sugar pot with the same shape, and a small plate of cream, then leaves us alone in the fancy office. Snow pours hot coffee out of the pot into his cup and adds nothing to it then pours coffee in my cup and adds two tea spoons of cream and two sugar cubes in it. Exactly how I take my coffee. I take this not as a nice and warm gesture, I take it as an obvious "I watch every step that you take". But even if you do.. great President Coriolanus Snow.. what is it that you have against me?

-"Now you know, Mr. Odair, that our country needs money to survive. Feed the districts and the capitol citizens, and keep humanity alive." Yes I know Mr. President.. I know our district is one of the wealthiest and yet we suffer when the temperature isn't good enough for fishing.. I know if I and Mags hadn't been giving out a lot of livestock and money we don't need a lot of men, women and children would have been dead by now. If this is how we are.. how about ten and eleven and twelve? How about the least fortunate districts? I'm sure they can starve in safety.

"..And, as a president of Panem, the money I get goes straightly to Panem." I bet it does.

"So, what would be your position on keeping this country's heartbeat going?"

-"My position, Sir?"

-"Would you do a little.. self sacrifice? And I mean of course more than donating your wealth to your district's citizens."

-"That.. Depends. Excuse me, Mr. President, it seems to me quite unclear.. what you are trying to say."

-"You're very popular, Mr. Odair, you can gain prophet out of it and raise money for this country."

I shut my mouth because if I open it now it might shoot out sarcasm.. like.. "How, by raising a kissing booth?"

-"You're here because I'd like to offer you a deal, Mr. Odair." I start to get nervous.. Nobody calls me Mr. Odair. Not normally. For everybody in my district I'm Finnick.. just Finnick.

-"I could guarantee the safety of everybody you love…" As he says that my body goes stiff and my nerves reach their limit. "Including your kind granny, and your sweet girl, Annie Cresta, and her father. But of course, those happy things don't come without a price."

This is not "I will guarantee their safety".. this is in fact "I won't kill them".

-"What is the price?" I say flatly, almost whispering, unable to move.

-"You'll have to let me use you... sell you."

-"Sell me…."

-"Your body. Can you imagine how much a wealthy capitol girl would pay to spend one sweet night with the stunning district 4 victor? Or how much a middle aged woman who loved you for years would?"

Is he… serious? I look at his face and there is nothing implying that what he just said is an overrated joke.

-"You want to... sell me as a prostitute." I say... as calm as I could. On the inside parts of me were vomiting and the others were just screaming.

-"For the interest of the poor districts."

-"Let's not lie to each other for a minute." My disgust screams out of me and I start to put my own conditions for the discussion with the president of Panem. "You are telling me that you want to sell my body to your people or you'll slaughter my family. How come you find a reason for telling me the money you'll get by selling me will go to the interest of the poor kids in the districts when in fact every penny of it will go to your own pocket? Because I don't. This conversation or deal or whatever you're calling it… is already scandalous enough that we should be crystal clear honest by now."

He just glares at me.. and smiles.

-"Fine, Finnick. You're a smart young man like I was one day. This money will go to me, of course. You're simply another chance for me to raise more money and power over everyone in Panem. But this is just a deal and you've got a total freedom of choice. You either do it or your dear old Mags, your little lover and her father will die. So.. do I get a yes or a no?"

I think for a few seconds.. not about my choice because it's done.. but about how to speak. I can't, so, still stunned, I nod.

-"Great." He says with a cunning smile. "Your first client awaits you in her home tomorrow, she'll send a car to take you from the training center. Oh and by the way, I can't convince my citizens you're theirs while I see you on my cameras having a little romance with miss Cresta. You made the deal and now you're an exclusive property of the capitol, so you need to stop giving that property out to... anybody else. Otherwise would be a deal breaker, and your family will really suffer." He says it and clicks a button on his desk.. the guy with the formal suit enters the room and Snow tells him to drive me back to the training center.. I stand up and accompany the guy to the door, then out of the building.

"Finn. Finnick. I'm sorry." Says Mags as I lie on my bed hiding my face with a pillow. How much of a child am I to do this again? I used to do this when I was 12 when angry at something. After I went to the hunger games, I stopped doing that because I was no longer a child. But now it seems to me like I can't stand things.

"I know what happened. I knew it was going to happen to you. I tried to lie to myself... I tried to convince myself Snow won't.. I'm sorry, my son. I... know because... it happened to me too."

It happened to Mags? He prostituted her? He sold her? One day she suffered from what I am suffering from now?

"It happened until I was 40. People then got bored of me and of course there were the younger and more attractive substitutes, like Cashmere and Enobaria. And now there you are… young and incomparably sensuous. I saw you grow day by day a better man, but also a better chance for Snow, and I knew your 18th birthday was his time to claim it. I'm sorry I never told you, my boy, you were too innocent and happy.. I hated to ruin it."

She started crying.

"Look, son.. if he threatened you my life, I'm seventy four. My life on earth is coming to an end anyway, and if I can choose to live and see you living this hell or die and set you free.. I'll definitely welcome death."

I take the pillow away from my face and glare at her.

"Not in a thousand years."

For a few seconds wee look at each other... and I finally stop resisting and burst into tears. She hugs me... crying too... and I sleep in her arms all night. Only this time I'm not ashamed.


	5. Snached

**The Fisherman.5: Snatched**

All I wanted was to go home. And when I went home, all I wanted was to be with my parents. Why do I live?

I headed straight to my victory village home and hid under the covers. Mags understood my desire to be alone, so she stayed at her home. It wasn't long before I just ran into the bathroom and vomited. I felt sick and unable to move so I just laid on the cold floor waiting to die. I felt pain... disgust... shame… a lot of feelings invaded me and made me feel unclean and valueless.

Hours later, my desire to feel clean again and pretend like nothing has happened took over everything else so I just got in the bathtub and let the water drawn me… yet, unlike what I wished to do, I kept my head above the water and breathed deeply.

It is not to be distinguished, really, which of them was strong and brave and which of them was cowardly and shaming: To just stay here and wish for death to come to me or to not succumb and pretend like I can just live like nothing is going on.

But after relaxing and uniting with the warm water I start to realize which is the right thing to do: Only not let this get me. I know why I'm doing this and for whom: For my family… Mags, Annie, her father… they're definitely more important than anything. I start looking at this differently: I'm only protecting them the way I am requited to. The right thing is not only to do it, but to stay strong and stay who I am, not who they want me to be: I am Finnick Odair, a district 4 fisherman who lost his parents and who has one family he'll protect with his own life and loves only one girl. Who Snow wants me to be is everything I'm not and I will never be, not on the inside, and not to my people: The district 4 sex symbol who enjoys spending times with the stupid and shallow capitol ladies. Yet if I want to protect my family, I'll have to play this attitude to the people who want it.

Mags comes in as I'm still in the bathtub… of course, we have the keys to each other's houses and neither do I nor does she have a problem about seeing my body… I'm her son in most ways.

-Are you okay, Finnick?

I look at her for a second…

-Not sure.

-You worried me about you… you look very pale.

It's hard to say I'm ever pale.

-With that skin color of mine… how'd you notice? Are you wearing contacts?

She sighs…

-Here you are starting to crack jokes again. I got you some food… I figured you wouldn't eat anything on your own.

Of course she knows… she knows me better than I do.

-How long have I been here?

-In the house? A day. How long have you been in the bathtub? Come out, you'd catch cold.

A day? And I thought it was only a few hours… then I must have been in the bathtub for at least 3 hours now.

I come out and put a T-shirt and shorts on and dry my hair with a towel… and in the dining room Mags is waiting for me. On the table there's a tray with a bowl of fish soup, a loaf of bread and some cooked shellfish with tomato sauce. Now I realize I was hungry all along.

-"Thanks…" I say as I take a seat and start eating.

-So, how are you now? You looked ill yesterday.

-I was ill. It took me a while of thinking in bed to run to the bathroom and vomit, though.

She looks to me in concern, and then covers my hand that is not busy with the shellfish with hers.

-You're better now?

-I am… thank you Mags.

I say it from the heart… for everything. The memories of everything she's done to me flash in my brain. Maybe she noticed, because she smiled and caressed my hand. How translucent are my eyes to give away every single thought that I have? The color of my eyes is one of things I love about my appearance. Of course my appearance is something everybody gushes about all the time, but to me, I only like a few things about it, and the color of my eyes is one of them. It's my favorite color; the color of the sea.

I smiled back. Only seconds later, the smile faded from her face and an expression of concern re-appeared. Of course, the smile faded from mine as well.

-What?

-Annie came for you yesterday… to my house. I told her you wanted to be alone.

-Did you… tell her anything else?

-No. How are you going to tell her?

-How do you know...

-Know what?

-That Snow said I should leave Annie? I never told you that.

She silences for a while and a deep, unreadable expression appears on her face… only I, because I know her as I know the ocean, could read an entire tragedy in it.

-When I was as young as you and I was asked to do the same… I was requited to leave my man, too. His name was Anton… he was 20. I was one of the first people Snow uses, maybe the first ever. I was 18 back then and he was 32.

I lower my eyes. Mags had to leave her man… and now so do I. Not only I'm going to be used, but I also can't be with the one girl I really love.

Now I feel like I want to shout to all those capitol women… telling them what they really are. They're as shallow and stupid as the stupidest animals… and if they do believe what their monstrous president is trying to convince them, that I do love them, then they're not only stupid, but also terribly mislead from the fact that they're nothing compared to a girl like Annie. I'd rather die here and now than spend my life with a woman who only whines about her jewelry and clothes all the time and paints her face green and drinks a laxative solution to vomit and be able to eat more.

But it's not safe to shout this here because my house is crowded by Snow's cameras, so I only whisper…"I'll figure out a way do it. I'm only sure I won't tell her the truth. Nothing in the world seems uglier to me than ruining her life with this truth. It's even better to me to just pretend like I don't love her anymore and I want to be with somebody else."

-If you don't mind, though, I'll tell her father. We don't want him to think you just bailed on his daughter. And besides, he might help you get out of this without breaking her heart… he could talk to her for you.

-That's a good idea, but I'd also like to talk to them myself… after you talk to Annie's father I'll talk to them both.

-Fine. I better be going then… this has to start now.

I smile darkly and all I can say is "It already started."

"Just sit down, son."

I sit… looking at the floor the whole time since I came here.

Annie's house is, of course, much smaller and luxurious than our victory village houses. Yet, it is beautiful. It's one of my favorite places on earth.

"What has Mags told you, father?"

-The truth… the full truth, son.

I silence for five or six seconds.

-"I'm sorry."

-For what, son? For trying your best to protect her, even if you had to destroy yourself for it? I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm sorry because for years I've been your father in every way but the blood… yet I haven't protected you from this. I couldn't. I should have. Because no matter what happens you're the son I never had… and the man I wanted for my daughter. I'm sorry for being not your protector, but another burden you have to carry… another fragile person you have to protect.

I'm stunned for the direction the discussion took.

"Don't ever say that. You're the best father I could ever want."

He doesn't speak… he only starts shedding tears. As he breaks down, I do the same only on his chest. He covers me with his arms and I feel like we're not the strong big men we're supposed to be… we're both only underdogs… children in a world that is to cruel for children. He really is my father, I don't think any of us can or wants to change this.

-I'm sorry my son.

-I don't want to do this, father. I love her. I don't ever want to leave her.

-I never wanted this to happen to you, son. I knew it happened to Mags and it would happen to you… and you chose to protect us. I'm begging you son to do what will comfort you more… either it will cause me to lose my son or my daughter.

-I will never… ever let anything happen to you, to her or to Mags. I'd rather die. I just… don't know how to tell her without breaking her heart.

-Leave this to me. I'll carry most of the weight of it off your shoulders… this is the least I can do.

-Thank you, father. Thank you.

-Finn father told me everything.

-Everything?

-He told me we can't be together anymore because you said a rebellious thing in the training center and they got mad at you, you got scared they might target the people you care about so you had to break up with me. Isn't that what you told him?

We were on the beach. I knew it wasn't safe for us to speak on the phone or in one of our houses because it's easy for us to be watched in one of those places, it's hard to track us down in an open place.

-Told him… no, Annie, I didn't, it's the truth!

-No, Finn, no… I know there's something wrong. I know there's something… or someone. Why did you decide to leave me, Finn? Why now?

-Annie believe me it's true! It's only to protect you!

-Maybe you decided I'm not good enough for a man as perfect as you? Maybe you thought you could have someone better?

Her eyes were teary now.

-Annie don't be stupid please, there can't be anyone… anyone but you. I'm only doing this to protect you. I'd never do this by my choice, believe me I was forced.

-What am I going to do without you, Finn? I might die. I can't do it without you.

-I'll never be far from you… not really. We'll always be close… but I'll have to erase from their minds how close we are. We'll be just friends, like we were when we were children.

She starts crying when I hold her hands.

-Everything will be okay… I promise you. And who knows, really…

-Who knows what?

-Maybe one day we'll be together. Maybe one day we won't have to fear the capitol, I won't have to fear them hurting you. Maybe one day we'll be married and we'll have a beautiful child. Maybe one day all this oppression and hate will no longer exist… maybe we'll live in a free world. Maybe you and I will live and be a part of this. But until then, Annie, I'll have to be strong enough to do the hardest thing to me: Stay away from you at least as your lover.

We both silence as she cries and I resist doing the same. I cried too much in the last few days… this is unacceptable. I'm a man. I'm the one who should be standing up sober and strong.

-Fine, Finn. But I want you to always know that I love you, that I only love _you_. And that no matter how good I am at pulling this role… it never reflects what's inside me.

-I know, sweetheart, I know… because it's exactly how I feel about you.

But… isn't that the reason why I'm alive and fighting?

This year has passed fast. Between me trying to pretend like Annie is my cousin or my sister, and her father and Mags always contemplating me with sorrow, it was hard for me to hold up. Yet I made it, and I'm proud of myself for this.

Pretending like I don't love Annie like that anymore was the hardest part. We were good enough, yet the slightest look or smile from her would always unnerve me. I wanted her, really more than anything. I struggled while trying to pretend the entire opposite. We still walked together holding hands by the beach, but that's all.

The reaping day came fast. This year was specifically more important to me than any last one because it was Annie's last reaping. Her 18th birthday was in summer, which means if she's past this year safely, she'll never be exposed to the danger of the games again. And, I kept my promise to Snow, so I wouldn't expect him to do otherwise.

I watch the children of my district aligned waiting for the death sentence of two of them. I stand with Mags and the district's escort on the stage. I look for Annie with my eyes… there she is, with a very beautiful green dress that reflects the color of her eyes beautifully and her hair tied in a ponytail. I smile to her, reassuring her. She returns the smile with a little nervous one.

The escort advances to the bowl of names saying "Ladies first…" and again I find it silly. It's as if my reaping is rewinding: She prolongs the reaping to enjoy the depression we feel.

My reaping rewinding? Does that mean I have to expect evil? This thought gives me this pain in my stomach which indicates deep discomfort.

"Annie Cresta."

She pulls the paper and pronounces the name before I can hold my thoughts together. The echo of the name re-sounds in my ears and I start looking at Annie and at everybody with disbelief. I feel like my heart left my chest and fell to the floor… like my whole body's on fire. I feel Mags' hand on mine but it's the first time in my life this fails to reassure me.

Where are the volunteers? Where are all those girls who train their whole lives to kill? Why are they always there when nobody needs them, but when they could save me and my family they hold back? I look at some of them. Is it just me or are some of them looking at her with malice and spleen? Is it just me or some of them were willing to do it, only if somebody else was called? Is it just me or it's because they're jealous?

Is it just me or it's because she's mine and I'm hers, and this will lead to her certain death?

Mags was smart enough to keep me away from Annie during the train's voyage. She knew if I approach her, I'll lose my mind and hug her, kiss her, apologize to her, and do all the things we're not supposed to do.

Once we arrive to the training center, of course after the parade that I attended with half a brain, she took us to the roof, the only safe place in the building, and left us alone.

I did what I thought I'd do. I hugged her and started kissing her while both of us were crying. I whispered in her ear that I'm sorry.

-For protecting me? You were right, that day, Finn. I'm sorry I accused you of other things. I didn't think Snow would actually try to kill me. Thank you for everything.

-I'm going to go talk to him.

-No Finn, please don't. You'll lose your nerve and he'll kill you. Please Finn…

She was holding my shirt's collar, trying to hold me off. I need to unleash my fury… and I would only unleash it on Snow.

"Annie, let me go." I say it to her for the first time in my life and push her hand away, and as I slam the roof's door I hear her yell," Finn please… don't!"

-Do you have an appointment?

-I don't. It's urgent for our… business.

-I'm sorry but without an appointment scheduled you can't….

-I will.

I look at the old secretary in anger. It must have been scary because she looked a little scared to me.

"You can't be worried about the safety of your boss, can you? Because the guards have fetched me a thousand times till now and I have no weapon." Except my hands… and I swear to God I was ready to snap his neck with them at the spot. I don't need a trident or a knife to kill Coriolanus Snow, I'll just burn him with the fire that's inside of me. "I'm starting to run out of patience. I better be seeing him now."

The woman looks terrified for some reason I can't imagine. How scary I am when I'm angry? Don't I just look like a silly child threatening people who are older and more capable? Or maybe I was scary, after all I wasn't just angry, I was fumigating with fury. I was thinking indeed of killing Snow with my own two hands; those presidential guards are stupid for fetching me for weapons only. If they really wanted the safety of the president, they should have cut my hands off.

The secretary, dressed as a usual dimwitted capitol woman which inflamed my hatred towards her more and more, presses a button and says to some device,"Finnick Odair is here. He wants to see you, Mr. President, but he doesn't have an appointment scheduled."

I hear the voice of the man I'm probably about to kill say…"Doesn't need one, he's one dear business partner indeed." He says it knowing I'm hearing him. He says it flaming more and more anger inside me.

"Alright, Sir, I'll let him in."

She presses the button again, then presses another button which opens the metal door. She gets up and accompanies me in.

As I get in, I see Snow's back to the door as he looks to his Dystopia from the large, all glass window. The secretary then leaves.

"Sit down, Finnick."

As I think of killing him, I realize it won't be enough. Snow is not an individual, Snow is a full system formed by serpent men just like him. Killing him won't fix the broken Panem, nor will it give the districts a hope in life, nor will it stop the hunger games, nor will it save my Annie. On the contrary, the districts will face more and more oppression in order to guarantee such an act will never be repeated, and I and everybody I love will be slaughtered.

This country needs a full uprising… a rebellion.

-So… what is it that made you come right here and scare that poor secretary so much her voice was shaking it was heard through the Dictaphone?

-Funny, you're mad I've scared that secretary but on the other hand you spend your whole day thinking of the newest best ways to terrorize an entire population.

He smiles at me… the smile of a serpent.

-You know, Finnick Odair, someone else comes to my office and gives such a speech they'd be shot at the spot. If you were not earning me loads of money you and everybody you'd loved would be burnt to the ground by now.

-Ah… so you're saying I've done my part of the deal. I've gone to the houses of those women and let them use me… just like you ordered. I even refused to take any price because I didn't want anything from them. I left Annie in order to be your own exclusive property. And now you've taken her away.

-What are you talking about?

-She was reaped today, and I know you did it.

I yelled the last phrase with a thunderous voice. I let my fury out.

"Oh, so you're talking about that. I thought you cared for that girl no more, Odair?" He says it as calm as ever.

-Don't make me laugh. You know I love her and you know how much I care in fact about your city's women. You thought you could alter my feelings? I thought you were too smart for that, President. You can't. No one can. If I show the least neglect to that girl it's only because of our deal. If I ever had the choice I'd never be anybody else's.

-So maybe this is why I did that, Odair. To push you into doing your job better. To being only dedicated to your work, every man of your age wants this! To be able to dedicate themselves to their jobs fully! It's a gift. You could raise money you wouldn't even imagine.

-This is not my job, President Coriolanus Snow. I'm not your prostitute. I'm a fisherman, only Annie's fisherman. Your missions are only some dirty work I have to execute in order to protect my family.

-I hope when you lose the bonds that tie you away from being my prostitute, Finnick, like miss Cresta, you'll feel better about it. It does take some time.

All I feel is that I want to kill him. I want to watch him die.

-You know President… after taking Annie away I'll have nothing to lose, and you won't have me. I won't be afraid of you, and if you'll want to kill me, do it. It'll be better than being your prostitute."

He smiles again… the same smile I hate… and says," We'll see."


	6. The Screaming That Never Stops

"Finn! Thank God Sweetie... thank God!" Said Annie as she ran to me and hugged me.

"She thought you wouldn't come back." That, of course, was Mags.

I look at Annie's face and she's crying. I look for something to say that could cheer her up…

"See I have this bad habit of coming back."

She laughs, but I sort of mean it. I wish now, more than any other time, I never came back from my hunger games.

"Now sit down please, I need to give you some advice."

-"On what?"

-"On going home I guess?"

She looks at me… terrified.

-"You think I'll kill those kids…" She whispers.

-"I don't think you will, I think you have to. Yet I'll have to make sure you get out of there alive."

-"I can't Finn…"

-"Yes you can. As a matter of fact, you will." …otherwise I'll burn the capitol with my own two hands… so I completed the phrase in my head.

She sat down and I did the same, realizing I now understand Mags' motives when she ordered me to kill children. She loved me too much to let me die in there… maybe as much as I love Annie, and this is the same reason why I'll make sure Annie's never hurt while I'm alive.

-"First of all… never go to the cornucopia."

I see a smile on Mags' face with the corner of my eye and I know the reason… it's because this is exactly the first thing she said to me once we got here.

-"I'll send you the food, the water if you don't find it, and a weapon."

Once I said a weapon… she looked at me in terror. She doesn't even imagine killing someone… she's a better person than me. But she'll have to do it. I want her to get out of there alive, so she'll have to do it.

-"Second… keep hiding. Avoid the other tributes and let them kill each other… only start killing when it's extremely necessary. And they won't go after you or remember you from the beginning because you look weak and they'll think you don't represent a threat."

-"Well they won't be so wrong, will they?"

-"Yes, they will be. I know you'll kill as little as you can but I also know you will."

-"No Finnick… I won't."

-"Yes… you will!" I said this a bit loud. I was still angry, I regretted it instantly… who knew I'd spill the lava that's boiling inside of me on Annie too?

She looked at me with teary eyes… then ran to her room.

-"Finnick! You shouldn't have!"

-"I know… Mags, I know. But she'll have to get out of there alive. I won't be able to go on… I might go crazy otherwise."

She glared at me tenderly, then came and sat near me on the couch.

-"What are you going to do to get her sponsors?" She says with her eyes fixed on mine, her face expressionless as if she figured out what I intend to do. Well, maybe she has.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

-"What did you do?"

-"We just sat on the couch and had a nice sisterly chat and two cups of cocoa."

She sighs.

-"I know you so much I know how broken you are when you start cracking jokes. Did you do what you went there for?"

-"Well, after we finished and she asked me about… what I wanted…" I won't say the word "Price" because it makes me feel like a limo, "…I asked her for it. She was a bit scared that I might have feelings for Annie, but I assured her my heart is only hers and Annie is just my sister since we were children and her father is like my father, so she said she'll do her best for Annie and she'll recruit her friends to sponsor her too."

-"Good Job."

I sat silently for a while, looking to the floor.

-"What is it?"

-"She decided it's not enough of a payback for my… services… so she decided I deserved something more."

-"Like what?"

Softly I whisper: "Like… a secret?"

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

In my room at night, I try my best to sleep. Tomorrow will be a big day, I'll have to make sure Annie's training good enough with some weapon, and of course, there is another client waiting.

Every time of this humiliation feels like the first. Although I had 3 clients the last time and one this time, with 3 more waiting, I never got used to it and I don't think I ever will. Although I'm a man, I failed to even enjoy it, and the more humiliating is that I had to pretend otherwise… I had to fake a complete state of affection to the lady.

I was about to start crying when the door opened… I thought it was Mags, but as it came closer I saw the shadow of Annie.

-"Annie… what are you doing here? You should be asleep."

She sits on my bed then lays down next to me… really close.

-"I couldn't sleep. I figured out I needed someone…"

I waited a few seconds for her to complete her sentence, but she didn't.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier today."

-"It's okay. I figured out you're only too scared for me. I understand the pressure you must be under."

I smile darkly…"You have no idea." I whisper.

She says… trying to console me…"Cheer up, Odair, I'm the stupid little girl who's going to die, not you."

-"That is one nice way to make me cheer up. Annie, you're not going to die in there. If it happens… I don't know what I'll do."

-"If we just say that it's a big probability, that my chances down there are as big as anybody's…"

I'm still silent, thinking about the odds of a little fragile girl like Annie getting out of the arena alive…

"…Would you do me one last favor I ask you for?"

-"Anything." I say it even before thinking of the probability of what it might be.

-"Hug me, kiss me, treat me like you really should… how you really feel. Hold me into life, Finn, in my last few days on earth."

I think of her request and it sounds only appropriate. Yes, I'll try my best to keep Annie alive in this, but let's say the odds are against her favor… even if I get my revenge later… should I waste her last days on earth pretending I'm her older brother?

-"This sounds fair, Cresta." And I don't care if you're watching, Coriolanus Snow, she won't be taken away from me before I get as much as I can of her.

She laughs.

-"Now hug me into sleep… I can't sleep in here."

I cover her with my arms and drawn my face in her hair enjoying the fruity perfume … I close my eyes and sleep with no regrets.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

In the next few days, I went to more clients and convinced them all to sponsor Annie, more secrets were spilt in my ears. Political secrets… scandals… cheating… sexual affairs… secrets I'd like to use against their holders and those they concern one day. Yet my biggest achievement was with a game maker.

His name is Hugo Dunnings. And yes, it's a "him". Of course, being a heterosexual male, it's uncomfortable to me, but not much worse than doing it with these women. With both, I end up wanting to throw myself in the ocean and die by the end of the day. It's not as if I could choose my clients, I'd choose to be a prostitute at all. Anyway, he said he'll find a way to help Annie in the arena.

Still, I pushed Annie more and more into training with knives and traps, and promising me she'll execute my plan. Mags was easier on her, and one night she got really mad at me because I insisted on Annie training better and eating more to build herself up she slipped into hysterics and ran into her room. Of course, I gave the same advice to my other tribute, only out of honesty because if I have to get Annie out of there alive I have to guarantee that boy and everybody else dies, but his zeal indicated he wasn't listening and he's going to the cornucopia after all. Annie and I personally knew that boy; his name was Lantis Stroma, the son of a poor old fisherman who lives nearby Annie's house.

Last night at the interview, Annie played the strategy I told her to play exactly: The sweet little girl who's in love with a boy back home madly and wants to go back to him. Of course she couldn't say it's me, she could only say she misses him like crazy and she hopes one day, if she returns home safe, God will reunite them. Senthia, who's still the stylist of our district, helped me by designing a little girl's dress that's short and sky blue, ballet shoes and only natural and simple make up. It did leave the intended impression although Annie's not a child… she's 18. After it, when we went back to the training center, we slept together for the last time. No, we didn't go too intimate. Just a few kisses and whispers in her ears that she'll be okay, and right before she sleeps she whispered in my ear, "I want you to know if I die tomorrow or any following day… I've loved you like people would think it's impossible to love somebody. I'll be waiting for you on the other side." And I whispered to her sleepy ear, minutes later, "I'll never let anything happen to you."

In the morning, I had to stay standing up and sober like a man watching her get into the room from which she'll be dropped into the arena. We both cried and hugged each other, but I stayed strong enough to make sure she remembers everything I told her, and her knives training which I'm sure she doesn't intend to use. And as Senthia takes her hands pushing her into that room to put her in the games' outfit, we're still looking at each other fixedly with our eyes still teary. My hands are lifted as if to reach to her again, but they don't.

On the television, I see the arena: A giant river with an isle in the middle of it with the cornucopia on it, and woods. As I look carefully I see how violent the river's flow it, they needed a dam. Of course, the river was not deep even someone who can't swim can get to the cornucopia, but even if it was, Annie can easily swim to the cornucopia; she's a fluent swimmer… I mean I taught her swimming myself. I am, not to be venting because it's the truth, one of the best swimmers in our district. Yet my instructions' and Mags' are simple: Do NOT go to the cornucopia.

As that sound of some kind of electric bell rings, and the tributes are given a permission to finally run, Annie runs opposite the direction of the cornucopia, right into the woods. But as she looks back, she sees one thing: Some steps behind her, a career with an axe, who, of course, considers Lantis just a wannabe, waves his axe in the air right into Lantis' neck, cutting it.

And it only takes Annie a second to scream and run like crazy.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

The night came, then next morning. Annie was hiding in the trees after she ran as far as she could, I even doubted the arena must end somewhere and Annie was hitting it soon, but she found a very far shelter. Before night, I got sent a lot of sponsor money, some of them with love letters to me. I bought her nets, a knife, some canned food, and of course water because the only known water source in the arena must be protected by the careers now. I sent them all consecutively. It's very rare that someone gets sent so much stuff in the arena specially a weapon, yet this was much less than what I got sent, and I'm sure that kitchen knife is much less expensive than the trident I got. She did well with the traps with her nets; no one could hurt her in her sleep.

More than anything, I was worried about Annie's mental state. She was sobbing for two days and sometimes covered her ears with her hands and looked scared for no reason. Mags looked worried too, but we'd both not complain as long as she's alive. But of course we'd notice no more 'cause the directors must find the scenes of the careers killing much more exciting than Annie hiding in the trees.

Two days have passed like that. I didn't sleep, I only watched Mags sleep for a few hours assuring her that if something happens I'll wake her up right away. She asked me to exchange places and sleep a few times, but I mumbled firmly that I cannot sleep.

12 tributes died in the first day, mostly in the blood bath of course, and 4 died in the second. Annie's sobbing went worse at the cannon shootings and the photos of the fallen. That is one huge death rate, they're down to the final 8 in two days only! This was more worrying because soon, the careers would start looking for her before they break their alliance and start killing each other. In the end, Mags finally convinced me to sleep on the sofa and she'd wake me up immediately if something happens. I lay my head on her thighs staring at the television, and in the same instant I start dreaming. I start dreaming of me and Annie together by the beach, each of us wearing a wedding ring. And, steps away from us, our son turns to us yelling, "Dad, mum, I found a seashell!" I look at him and he has my bronze hair and my skin color, and the green eyes Annie and I share. I wish he had more of Annie, but as long as he's mine and hers, I'm satisfied…..

-"Wake up, Finnick! Wake up now!"

I wake up immediately.

-"What happened?"

-"See for yourself!"

I look… and the screen is shaking like crazy. Annie's screaming and so are the others.

I take seconds to get it: It's an earthquake.

Annie, opposed to the others, took some lessons on emergency cases with me in our district, so she held on to the closest high object she found: A tree. Slowly she started climbing it too, but the Earthquake stopped. During the earthquake, we heard 3 cannon shots… this means that Annie and 4 others are left now.

But the more important effect came quickly: The dam is broken, and the river turns out to have been not only passing by the careers' area, but surrounding the arena; a part of it was close to Annie's place.

The arena drowned.

"Thanks, Mr. Dunnings." I whisper. Thanks because I know now how big my girl's chances are.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

-"You'll be watched, Mr. Odair, we're not sure yet how bad the condition is. She might attack you."

I stand in a capitol hospital as one of their head doctors says those words.

Annie survived. She's a victor now. When the arena flooded, two career boys who didn't know how to swim drowned, and a district 2 career who surprisingly knew how to swim tried to find Annie, But Annie was sent food by me, while that girl had no more food since the cornucopia drowned. The girl lost consciousness due to the lack of energy then drowned.

When we lifted her from the arena, I was on the hovercraft, and I didn't care about all the people watching… I only hugged her and kissed her hair like crazy, I laughed and cried at the same time. They took her from me saying she needed to rest when I noticed she was hardly conscious and she was looking strangely expressionless.

Now she's not okay. She only witnessed Lantis' death, and that alone shocked her. I start to realize how innocent and sheltered she was compared to the people of Panem. When you live in Panem, being struck by death is a luxury that means you've been spoiled.

-"It's okay."

-"Follow me, Mr. Odair."

I follow the doctor to Annie's room, and there she is, just sitting on the bed expressionless.

-"We'll be watching you from outside."

I stand in there looking at her cautiously. She only notices that I'm there when I call her twice.

"Annie! Annie, are you okay?"

-"Finn…"

At least she remembers my name. She gets up from the bed and looks at me strangely.

"What's with all this blood? And why are children screaming?"

-"What are you talking about?"

-"You're covered in blood -she points at my completely clean white T-shirt- and those children outside are screaming!"

But I hear nothing but silence. Nothing.

"Finn… we have to get out and help them! Why aren't you moving Finnick! We have to help them!"

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.


	7. Quarter Quell

My name is Finnick Odair. This year I'm 24. I'm a hunger games victor, I'm a murderer. I'm a fisherman. President Snow forced me to sell my body to capitol ladies and men, but I used this against him: I made my clients sponsor Annie when she was taken from me to the hunger games, and now they pay me with one thing that is more precious than money or jewels: Secrets. One day I'm going to use them against him. My girl, Annie, has become unstable after her hunger games. I'm taking care of her and protecting her.

Months after Annie came back, Mr. Cresta got a heart attack and passed away. She called us in the middle of the night and started screaming on the phone I ran into her house to find my father on the floor, breathless… lifeless. I cried for days… now I lost my father too, and now Annie stays mostly in my house or Mags', and rarely stays in her Victory Village home.

A few years ago, in the 71st hunger games, the games right after Annie's, I finally got a friend. She was 16 back then, her name is Johanna Mason. She won using her wits; her strategy was a bit like Annie's: She pretended to be weak and not a threat, the difference is that Johanna is as skilled a killer as I am. She's aggressive and pushy and too honest, but her heart contains so much kindness and traces of suffering only I got to know. Now finally there's a friend of my age to be comfortable with on my capitol visits; of course Annie hasn't become a mentor because of her mental state.

Two years later, also on her 18th birthday, Johanna was made the same offer I was made… the same deal. Johanna refused and she lost her entire family. Since then… we're best friends.

Annie's now better. At least she knows I'm around, and when she starts seeing things which are not there, and covers her ears for no reason, once she notices I'm there, she fears no more.

Last year, I saw traces of another friend in the victor: A district 12 poor malnourished girl who seemed smarter than usual… her wits were enough to guarantee her to go home with her district's male tribute who claimed to be in love with her, and so she pretended. Yet it was clear that she doesn't love him: Her eyes didn't have that spark I see in Annie's eyes when she lays her eyes on me… the spark which indicates a true love that is not made up for nothing.

-"Not necessarily smart," Said Mags," She probably just has a smart mentor."

Of course, we both know Haymitch Abernathy. Before my hunger games, Mags made sure I watch his tape; he was a really smart tribute.

-"Haymitch never really cared about his tributes so much, he usually considers them utter idiots."

-"Then he must have seen something in those two kids."

-"She seems good to me. She's a better fighter than the Mellark boy, I like her archery, but the boy seems smarter… Everdeen seems like she's only following Haymitch's instructions."

-"There's something more to them, Finnick. I think the boy is moved by a real love to her. The confession with Caesar was definitely a strategy, but it seems to me that he was serious about it."

I look at Mellark on the screen as the girl is taking care of a huge wound on his leg, caused by the sword of some district 2 boy career. Katniss Everdeen seems way too professional about it… but Peeta Mellark is looking at her in a way which indicates a deep love. I also notice that Everdeen is too virtuous she reminded me of Annie a bit: The way she avoided looking at Mellark's naked body while she was healing him… it was sort of funny.

-"I think this girl is the beginning of a spark." Said Mags by the end… after we were speechless while the Everdeen girl caught those nightlocks with her hands forcing the game makers to make her and her fellow tribute victors.

-"You mean the thing with that little girl from district 11 or the nightlocks?"

-"I mean both."

She looks at me in a meaningful way and I understand immediately.

It's been years since someone dared to fight the capitol so much. The Everdeen girl dared not only to show the capitol people their cruelty when they kill such a little innocent girl like that District 11 Rue, but also to give them a take it or leave it offer leaving them with only her two choices: Her and Mellark or no victor at all.

-"That girl is going to suffer."

-"She's sixteen. Won't be long before she'll be offered the deal."

-"More than that. That girl is endless trouble."

I listen to Mags and I hope Katniss Everdeen causes more and more trouble. Because once she'll start causing trouble, I'm on her side.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

When we went back to our district, it was unbelievable how accurate Mags' prophecy was. Our district started an uprising.

People started to gather by the sea, like I used to do with Annie because it's hard to observe, and start talking about a lot of things… I knew that their talk is not only about Katniss Everdeen and her spark, but also about me, Mags and Annie. About Mags and I being forced to prostitute and being taken away from our beloved ones, and about Annie losing her mind. Annie never got prostituted because of her mental instability and because I'd give Snow better deals so that doesn't happen. I used my popularity and high price to get some profits from Snow, like extra protection for my Annie and Mags.

Some people wanted me to be the leader of the district 4 uprising… I'm the suitable face: The strong, young and suave district boy who was destroyed by the capitol beyond repair and who's roaring for his revenge. I'd go to their gatherings and support them sometimes, but it wasn't always safe… I had to make sure I wasn't watched first. It wasn't long before we started to refuse giving our products to the capitol.

We were not enough. They can live without seafood for sure. What we need is the districts that produce more crucial products: The livestock, the clothes, the weapons…

We were attacked by peacekeepers a lot. Yet our district is very big and so is the population, it was hard to control us. They sent us more severe peacekeepers, but they needed more, much more than violence to vanquish the spark that Katniss Everdeen has ignited. Yet I would only be their leader right here, Katniss Everdeen is the real leader of all the districts. I long, day by day, more and more to meet that girl.

When she came to 4 on her victory tour, I never got to officially meet her, only contemplate her holding Mellark's hand drawing their love story on the beach. I was sure she was watched, and the capitol won't let me meet her anyway, she's the cause of the rebellion and I'm a man who wants revenge, after all, and when troublemakers meet, more trouble happens.

Today is the announcement day of the quarter quell. Who knows what it will be this year… it'll be uglier I'm sure, and that's because I'm sure if our district rebelled, then a few others must have, too.

Mags and Annie were here. I turn the TV on, and there's Snow and the sick anthem which plays every time I have to face death. A boy from the capitol is standing by him. Snow starts talking about the dark days and the past quarter quells, as I start eating my dinner, a fish sandwich, more nervously I once slammed the sandwich on the plate violently. Mags was expressionless and Annie was covering her ears… only this time I didn't blame her.

I finally encourage Annie to take her hands off her ears because Snow finally took a piece of paper from the box the white dressed boy was holding, and starts reading.

"On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."

Annie understands and starts reacting before me. She just covers her ears again and starts making crying sounds, yet no tears fell from her eyes. I know from my experience in a certain state of shock and disbelief the mind refuses to even let the eyes cry.

I look at Mags when my brain finally starts to decode. When I realize there is no male victor in district 4 alive but me. When I realize Snow has finally decided to sacrifice all the money I'm bringing him in order to prevent the bigger trouble I might cause.

How much of a relief I death, how better is it than the world where I'm living? I guess I'll know.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

I finally succeeded to put Annie in bed… I had to sing her a song, tell her it was a bad dream and caress her hair before she slept. In the end, the pain was only mine and Mags' to share.

-"She slept?"

-"Yes. I guess it's only me and you, now."

-"I guess. There's something I needed to talk to you about, Finnick."

I sit on the sofa by her side and look in her eyes.

-"I won't let her go into that arena. She won't be able to handle it."

It takes me seconds to understand her.

Mags is 80 years old. She goes back into that arena, she's dead. Annie is only 23, but she's already unstable that seeing more death which will be probably worse, including mine, will certainly and inevitably push her off the edge of madness. Both of them are the only women I love… they're my family. I'm dying in this anyway, and I know Annie won't make it out of there alive either.

-"Do you think he'll let you get out of there?"

-"After I've involved in that uprising in the district? No."

-"Who do you think he'll make the game makers go for?"

-"Maybe Enobaria or Cashmere or Brutus. They're bringing him much less money than I am, but at least they're not trouble makers. You know, I think you, Annie and I are a too complicated trio. If two of us die, there is no way the third will be able to live. If I die and you die, Annie's case will go hopeless. She'll have nobody. If both of you do, I'm lifeless and useless, I have nothing to live for or protect that my death will be more of a relief than my life. If Annie and I die, well I guess…"

-"I'm just as lifeless as in your case." She says, smiling darkly.

-"Exactly. So if I could choose it, I'd choose that you, Annie and I go into that arena together and die together and end all this."

-"You've surrendered to the thought of dying, I see."

I drink from her cup of ginger and none of us minds it, and I think for a minute.

-"Well I don't know. I mean I'm young, right? I could have married Annie and had a child with her and we'd have our own cabin by the sea, while you're living nearby with your husband, Anton, who loves you. Only not in this world. I never had a shot at life, did I? Then maybe in death… in heaven… I'd get some of that. It's better than going on with a life that is as miserable as mine, right?"

-"You still remember Anton's name." Said Mags. Not asking, only stating a fact. I don't find a need to answer.

-"Well since I'm going to die in there, my boy, there are some things I always wanted to tell you but never got the chance."

I'm still silent.

-"I want you to know that I love you like a son… that when your parents left you to me before escaping to the sea, I felt I finally had a son. An egoist part of me that I'm still ashamed of wished they wouldn't come back so that I'd never lose you. And when they never came back and we received news of their death, it wasn't to be discussed to me that you'd become my son. Do you know you look like Anton? He too had bronze hair, a tan, golden skin, incredible sea green eyes and a rare natural beauty. I imagined you were my son and his, and I loved you like you were mine and his.

I saw you come of age and become a better man, and then they decided to take you away from me and throw you into that arena. I was horrified… I couldn't imagine losing you. I knew you were too good to kill but still I wanted you to stay alive for me. And I saw you show your powers and come out of there a victor, I knew your life was ruined by death, yet I was happy you were alive.

I saw you grow a better man, trying to resist the stains of blood on your past and be happy. And I saw you become their slave… used just like I was and prevented from the girl you love. I felt like I failed to protect you… like I should have been a better mother… I should have stopped this. Yet I saw you resist… and I saw you struggle to keep Annie alive in the arena. I saw you resist your love and desire for her in order to protect her and protect us. For years you've been used against your will and you managed to stand up to life like a real man.

I want you to know, son, you deserved happiness. You deserved a good life. You're the best man I knew… you're strong, brave and smart, you managed to stay sober in front of things no one could imagine. If anybody in this world deserves to live to see a good sun finally shine on it, it's you. I wanted you to live that moment… I wanted you to marry Annie and have your own family… a boy who looks like you and a girl who looks like you… and they're both grown up with no danger of hunger games, with their great father and their tender mother. And because you won't, Finnick, then my life has been useless."

I listen to her saying all that and wonder if she's right… about my being great and stuff. I broke down so many times, but I managed to keep it for myself. Does that mean I'm really good? Maybe I'm not that bad. Maybe I'm not different than Mags. I faced the same things she faced… I did the same she did to protect her family.

My voice was shaky when I talked to her not because I wanted to cry, but only because I wasn't sure what to say, this time.

-"You're speaking like you've been any less great. You've faced the same things and made the same choices."

She smiles to me.

Only when she does, it gets fully into my mind that I'm losing my life. I don't know how I feel about this, it was miserable. Maybe God is saving me better things, somewhere?

-"So, Coriolanus Snow…" I say looking at the ceiling where I know a camera is certainly planted. "I know you or your men are watching this. I'm going to die in your arena anyway, right? So then I have nothing to fear. I want you to know I hate your guts and I hope you vomit your own blood and die. May the souls of everyone you tortured, including mine, haunt you to hell." I said it fearlessly and I went to my room.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

Annie spent the next days crying in her room. Mags and I told her she wasn't going there, but even if she won't go, would her pain be any less than if she loses me and Mags? She only cried and screamed in her bed, she'd only eat if I fed her myself while singing her a song or telling her a story; mostly stories of happy fishermen living with their wives and children happily and then they find golden fish and become rich and similar things.

A few days later came the reaping. I don't want to remember the details of that day, I only remember Annie was reaped and Mags volunteered, then the one card in the bowl of male "Names" was pulled and, of course, it was holding only my name. The people of the district started yelling our names in anger and almost attacked the stage, for Mags and I are loved for supporting the uprising and helping the poor before. We were taken away from the stage instantly, I'm sure the capitol cameras never aired that.

We were not allowed to greet our beloved ones this time, for more and more humiliation. Thank God I'd greeted Annie earlier this morning, of course because I was dying anyway, I feared Snow no more; I greeted her just like a young man would greet the love of his life knowing he's never going to see her again.

When we arrived to the capitol, we went first to the remake center, as usual, to be put in our parade outfits. When I entered my room, an unexpected company was there.

A game maker I know only by looks but not by name, Haymitch Abernathy, the mentor of district 12, and more importantly the mentor of Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, and finally a stylist I know also by looks; he was simpler than any capitol citizen I've ever seen, with no make up at all except for a golden eye liner. He had a dark skin and a handsome face. His name was Cinna.

-"Sit down, Finnick."

Usually when a game maker speaks to a mentor or, in this case, a tribute, it's with titles. This made me realize the discussion wasn't that official.

What were those three doing in my room?

-"I'm Plutarch Heavensbee, the new head game maker."

I salute him, still stunned.

-"Pleasure to meet you, sir." What happened to Seneca Crane anyway?

-"Of course you know fellow mentor, Haymitch, and perhaps you know Cinna after his head turning designs last year."

-"Ah, of course. A big part of miss Everdeen's charms came from your… creativity, Cinna. I'd like to congratulate you and Haymitch for the victory of his tributes."

-"Thank you, Finnick." Says Cinna smiling to me politely.

-"So, gentlemen, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure of your visit?"

Cinna smiles and Haymitch laughs. Only Plutarch starts to explain.

-"This conversation is not official, Finnick, loosen up. This room is not watched by any capitol cameras."

My body goes stiff. Where are we going with this?

-"Districts 4, 11, 3 and 8 are uprising and the others are close to following."

Most of this is not news to me, yet I cheer up. Is there hope that after my death maybe the sun will shine on this country?

-"I'm the head of an undercover group of spies in the capitol. This country won't survive for long if this city and its power is not thrown down soon. Would you be able to take your place in this, Finnick?"

-"You mean… in the rebellion?"

-"Yes."

-"But that makes no sense! I'm dying in a few weeks from now, remember?"

-"We'll send hovercrafts to rescue you, miss Everdeen, Mr. Mellark, and whoever from our side that will be alive by the time of the rescue mission, from the arena."

-"Wait. You're telling me that you're rescuing us from the arena? Why?"

-"Because you're important to our cause. You are a young man who suffered for years from every kind of psychological torture, Mr. Mellark is the boy who loved a girl enough to start a rebellion and Miss Everdeen is our token… our Mockingjay. Of course, the rest of the tributes are important to us too, but we must ask you to do your best to protect Miss Everdeen and Mr. Mellark in the arena. It can't go on without them. I'm sure you appreciate."

Katniss. The girl on fire. The mockingjay. The girl who'll lead this rebellion. If her life means one day I'll be alive and happy with Annie and our son, like I've always dreamt, or even that I'll die but Annie will be able to live in a peaceful world, and there will be a hope for this country I'll follow her to the end of the earth and protect her with my own life.

-"And you're telling me those hovercrafts will rescue us… from where will you bring them? And where is it that will be safe from the capitol, anyway?"

-"A place that holds a weapon the capitol fears more than anything. Maybe like… district 13?"

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.


	8. My Friend, The Archer

They finally walked out of our room feeling like the whole world is much better. I was happier… I had a reason to live and more importantly, a reason to die. I'll either live to see the revolution and take place in it and see it succeed, and be happy with Annie and our child one day, or I'll die protecting Katniss Everdeen and helping her to change this country, and one day Annie will find another man and she'll have a child and a family, and who knows, maybe I can keep Mags alive in the arena too until they send their hovercrafts.

I memorize Plutarch's plan.

Today I have to appear to Katniss Everdeen just like everyone in Panem knows me. Not the real me that my family and my district's people know, but rather the disgusting creature Snow created: The capitol's playboy who looks at women seductively and speaks to them with a seductive purr, and who probably runs around shirtless the whole day. And that until we get into the arena, then I'll be only me, I'll protect the girl who gives this country a hope. Me appearing like just another pretty boy and the others also acting normal to her was part of the plan of making her feel like nothing is wrong… nothing is going on.

Mags, Beetee and Wiress of district 3, the two morphling addicts from district 6, my friend Johanna and Blight of district 7, Cecelia and Woof of district 8 and Chaff and Seeder of district 11, know about this plan and they're with me. Our plan is simple: Katniss Everdeen is the most important one, is the mockingjay, but the rebels' plan also revolves protecting me and Peeta Mellark. Alma Coin, the president of district 13, who I know now to exist underground of the old one, decided that Katniss is the head of the rebellion, and Peeta Mellark plays a double role, as long as he is protected Katniss will go along with the plan, but also he's smart and he can be convincing in front of the cameras, he'll probably be our man in the media. I'll play the role I played in my district: One of the people who suffered the most and every time the people will hear my story, their rage towards the cruelty I met will lead them on. Katniss and Peeta themselves, though, do not know of the plan.

After the three men leave, Senthia enters my room.

-"Hello Senthia."

-"Hello, Finnick. You're good?"

-"Couldn't be better. Preparing to meet death like a gentleman."

She looks at me with sorrow. Senthia Brooks is 41 this year. She was my stylist once and we saw each other every year when I was a mentor, and here she is; my stylist again. Can't say we're friends, yet there is a bond between us. She is not a bad woman; like that Cinna, she's simpler than most capitol people.

-"I'm sorry, Finnick." She whispers.

-"I on the other hand, am not. Death is a much better fate than some other things."

She knows about my forced prostitution.

-"Yes… of course. Okay, shall we start?"

-"Sure."

-"We're preserving the pretty boy aspect." I understand this phrase immediately… it was said to me only 10 minutes ago by Plutarch Heavensbee. It means one thing: Senthia knows, and she's on our side.

-"Okay. How?"

-"Put this on." She throws at me… a huge golden net.

-"And what else?"

-"Just this." She says and blushes.

-"Ugh Senthia… this is disgusting, I'm sorry."

-"Believe me I wouldn't put you in this if it was my choice. Now, I'll get out of here and you tie it around your… waist area… until you feel like it's appropriate." She's still blushing.

I smile, amused. In the first time Senthia was my stylist, I was a child, so it was easy for her to be professional. Now I'm not only 24, but also a legend of being a sex symbol has been drawn around me it's so hard to work professionally around my naked body.

She's out of the room and I take my clothes off. I stand in front of the vertical mirror and look at my body… the reason behind my curse. Why couldn't I be repulsive? I hate my body.

I go to the bathroom and take a warm shower dropping the sorrows and despair of the last few weeks away… I dry my body and my hair and finally get out of the bathroom and stare at the net. That's disgusting! I can't even put on some underwear! Whatever I do with that net some parts will still be showing! I sigh really loud and start tying it around my waist.

I tie it around my waist for minutes and still feel naked. Alright I give up… I call Senthia in and she looks at me and says," That's good."

-"It's awful! I feel naked!"

-"You're not naked. It's tied well around your hips."

-"I feel like a bimbo."

-"I know you and I know you're not a bimbo, but that's the image we're trying to draw, isn't it?"

-"Can I at least put on some underwear?"

-"This ruins the whole idea. You're not a good looking fisherman this time, you're purely and utterly a sex symbol."

I sigh. If it weren't for the cause of the rebellion that I draw a pseudo-image in the mind of Katniss Everdeen and everybody, I'd never wear this.

-"Just stand in your chariot and look around you with carelessness and power. Imagine that you're Poseidon passing by the people of the sea… they wave to him and cheer but he's just too powerful a man to show any care."

-"Yeah, kind of my thing, Poseidon. They don't allow weapons on chariots, am I right, Senthia? Because a trident would be perfect with this." I say and she laughs, although I'm kind of serious. A trident… my thing. It's the only thing that would make this outfit bearable to me.

I go to the ground floor of the remake center trying to be unnoticed in this… total and utter… scandal.

-"Hey Finnick! Gotta love your outfit, bro."

-"Shush… Johanna! I'm trying to be invisible. This is disgusting. I'm feeling like I'm going to be naked in front of a crowd."

-"Oh I wish it was me, darling, I could care less how much they see of my skin as long as I'm comfortable."

-"Oh, I bet they don't." I say, joking. Johanna is not repulsive… as a matter of fact she's not bad at all.

-"Very funny, Odair. Now be careful, you might catch cold."

-"Thank you very much. I'm trying to meet Katniss Everdeen. A fireplace would definitely minimize the cold, huh?"

-"Ah, fire girl. If only I had Cinna and Haymitch, four years ago, I'd be in her place by now."

-"I bet any designer is a much better idea than your miss Tree Dress."

-"You bet. Just go to the girl's chariot and do your thing. Ah, and one of those guards gave me those for the horses… have some. I don't care about their stupid horses, if we're going to die, I'll rip all the good things away from them before I get out of here."

Sugar cubes. Johanna Mason, I'm grateful. It's silly to say, but whenever I felt like the pressure was too much, I had some and tied knots, and I felt like the world is a little better. Today I'm happy, but I consider that horrible "outfit" some kind of pressure, so I take some from her.

-"Thanks, axe girl."

-"You're welcome, trident boy."

I walk to the chariot of district 12 trying to stay unnoticed. There is Katniss Everdeen… she'd just arrived, she too, although her outfit was not half as bad as mine, was trying to stay unnoticed.

Alright, let's pull the alter ego. I lay my body on her horse and start chewing a sugar cube, she turns around and sees me, uncomfortably close to her. I must look silly. With my fake seductive voice, I say, _"Hello, Katniss."_

It's as if I knew her for long… I feel like this girl was the person inside me for years… the rebel I longed to unleash but preferred to protect the people I love. I would never regret that choice, though.

This time, she was in a completely black outfit and half a black crown, this time, her make up was not simple or girly, it was that of a charmer: Her eyes surrounded by black shadows given extra attraction. Well done, Cinna.

_-"Hello, Finnick."_ She says. She was trying to be casual and simple, but I saw deep discomfort in her eyes.

_-"Want a sugar cube?"_ I offer to her, not telling her the effect they can have on the feelings. After all I'm trying to pretend I'm a person who cares for nobody's feelings.

_-"They're supposed to be for the horses, but who cares? They've got years to eat sugar, whereas you and I ... well, if we see something sweet, we better grab it quick."_ This is only my own version of what Johanna just said.

_-"No, Thanks. I'd love to borrow your outfit sometimes, though."_

Shame.

Isn't she kind of too young for such an outfit and make up? I'm sure there's more to that outfit than it looks… I'm sure because I know Cinna. This is going to be her next fire outfit, no doubt. So what are you, Katniss Everdeen? Are you really the fire girl everyone in the districts is ready to follow or is it just the wits of Cinna and Haymitch?

"_You're absolutely terrifying me in that getup. What happened to the pretty little-girl dresses?"_ I say it and I wet my lips with my tongue a bit. Ugh… I must look like a prostitute. But isn't that exactly the effect we want?

I notice a bit of disgust in her eyes and I can understand why. _I look like a prostitute._

_-"I outgrew them."_

Alright, let's reach for the next disgusting level. I hold her collar with my fingers and say, _"It's too bad about this Quell thing. You could have made out like a bandit in the Capitol. Jewels, money, anything you wanted."_

I say it, dropping my expectations: If she's not killed by the capitol earlier to avenge all the trouble she'd caused, and of course, if there was no plan to rescue her from the arena, one day she'd be just like me: Forcibly sold in order to protect her sister she volunteered for, her parents of they're not dead and that hunter who held her sister back at the reaping, they tried to convince people he's her cousin but who is this stupid, really? And maybe even the Mellark boy, if she does have the slightest feeling for him, even a fraternal feeling.

She understood what I meant. Yet, she doesn't know I was forced. Perhaps she thought I was saying she'd do that by her choice in order to earn more money.

"_I don't like jewels, and I have more money than I need. What do you spend all yours on, anyway, Finnick?"_

I remember every time I was offered any money from someone. I refused; I'd rather die than have something from them. I asked for their secrets, instead, and now I know much, much more than Coriolanus Snow would allow me to.

"_Oh, I haven't dealt in anything as common as money for years."_

_-"Then how do they pay you for the pleasure of your company?"_

It kind of broke my heart and offended me… but no, I started this, and she only doesn't know. One day, she'll be told. One day, she'll know she was wrong about me.

_-"With secrets."_ I tell her the truth. Now, next level.

I lower my head to reach to her length, making my lips and hers really close. Fine, let's pretend I'm seducing her.

_-"What about you, girl on fire? Do you have any secrets worth my time?"_

She blushes, and I'm laughing on the inside. I hate to be like that to her, but it's still kind of funny. I remember her avoiding Mellark's naked body in the arena, and it makes it funnier.

"_No, I'm an open book, everybody seems to know my secrets before I know them myself."_

Right, girl on fire. Right now, there is a plan to rescue you, your lover, me and some others from the arena to lead a rebellion, and all you know is nothing. For how accurate what she said was, I smiled.

"_Unfortunately, I think that's true_." She has no secrets for me, after all. I look aside and there comes Peeta Mellark in a similar ensemble.

"_Peeta is coming. Sorry you have to cancel your wedding. I know how devastating that must be for you."_

I say it from the heart and I know it's been devastating… for Mellark, not her. He loves her, but I don't think she loves him back. I know it's devastating for Mellark because I had to do the same one day: put my life… my happiness on hold in order to be a part of somebody's plan.

I walk away eating another sugar cube knowing she must hate my guts by now. And Mellark… he must have thought I was trying to steal her away or something.

I walk to see Mags and Johanna talking. They're the only two people I'm truly comfortable with here. Johanna is dressed as the usual tree, and Mags is wearing a wide mermaid dress that looked old fashioned but elegant. It was golden to match with my net.

-"How'd you do with fire girl?"

-"Awful. She hates my shadow. God, standing there and talking like that… maybe there is a little bit of a prostitute inside me after all."

Johanne laughed, but Mags looked at me with pity. She knew I joke about what saddens me the most.

Mags looks much better than before now that she knew the rebels' plan to rescue me. She's probably hoping for the same as me: One day I'll get a happy life… my own "Happily ever after" with Annie. Now she has a reason to die for. What she doesn't know is that I intend to keep her safe in the arena too if I could. This woman gave me her life… it would be only a despicable thing to do to let her die in order to protect myself.

-"And what do you think of her?"

I think for seconds.

-"I think she's got much more fire than anybody thinks."

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

For the next days, I was trying to know Katniss Everdeen better and better. In the training center, I waved my trident and hit my targets with it with no real effort. A trident is a part of me… it obeys my brain just like my hands or my feet do. This is it, really since the day Annie's father made me my first one. I trained with knives and spears sometimes, but the trident was different. Also I spent a lot of time at the edible plants' section; I know my own skills, but who knows what the arena will be like?

As for tying knots, I was even better. I once turned my head to see Katniss Everdeen try for what felt like an hour to solve one, it was an easy knot I did several times, but maybe not for someone from another district. I stood behind her and put my arms around her, finishing the knot in a minute. Trying to look more sarcastic as she turns around to look at me, I pick up another piece of rope, and do a more complicated knot and tie it as a noose, and pretend to hang myself with it to amuse her. How much does that reflect my desire to die? Not much, not that I finally got a hope in life.

She walks away rolling her eyes. I laugh after she walks. I think it's working right till now.

I walk to Mags in the archery section and say, "Yeah, I wish the same too."

-"What?"

-"To be able to shoot arrow like fire girl? Maybe she'll teach me sometimes."

-"You're still doing good with her?"

-"Couldn't be better. Or should I call it worse?"

Mags laughs. Hours later, we went to lunch. I sat with Mags and Johanna and exchanged a few sentences. And hours after lunch, I introduced Mags to Katniss and left them alone. From the look of it, Katniss loved Mags much more than me. It seems to me Mags wasn't told to fake a personality to Katniss.

It wasn't long before Katniss went to the archery section. I started watching her; the fixed targets seemed like no challenge at all, so the trainers started launching fake birds for her to shoot. She was terrific. Eventually everybody stopped what they were doing and started watching her like I was.

One of the following days, I went to her in the archery section.

-"So, girl on fire…"

She turns to me, looking startled even before I really open my mouth. Whoa, I've been awful, it seems.

-"You were fantastic with that shooting." I say, smiling. I find no reason for constantly mocking her. She must trust me at least.

-"Thank you." She said, still cautious.

-"Any chance for me to get an hour of your time? I've mastered trident and a lot of other things, except bow and arrow. If you do, I'll teach give you an hour of trident training."

-"Sure." I'm not sure if she's starting to trust me or she just wanted to explore a new field: My trident.

The final day came fast and I'd prepared nothing special for the game makers, I'll just shoot a few targets with my trident. I go in there and there is a target shaped as a human. "Take that, Snow" and I shoot. I do it only for 15 minutes and go out. It was pretty good, though; I didn't miss once.

I follow Mags back to our place, and there she sat with Senthia and our district's escort, Elize.

-"So, what did you do?"

-"Some trident. You?"

-"Knots and fishhooks. I don't think it really knocked them down."

I laugh. Mags talents are very useful, but not too impressive to people like the game makers… people who want gore and death. Well maybe except Plutarch Heavensbee, if he wants all this to stop then he must be a little better than the others to say the least, right?

Minutes later, came Haymitch Abernathy. But before he enters, he orders Elize who opened the door for him to get him a bottle of wine. She seems irritated but she does it.

-"Hello, everybody."

-"Hey Haymitch."

-"So, Finnick, I needed to talk to you really quick before she comes." I figure he's pointing to Elize; he must have sent her away on purpose, then.

-"Is there something wrong?"

-"Not really something wrong… just something you'll have to do for me."

-"Sure, what is it?"

-"From what Katniss has said to me till now, you've done your part quite well. She doesn't like you, she only thinks you're the pretty capitol boy. She won't trust you in the arena, she'll probably kill you from the first sight. But on the other hand, she trusts Mags."

I sigh. That seemed like an obvious flaw in our plan: How to get a girl to trust me in the arena if I keep acting stupid towards her?

-"Take this." Says Haymitch.

He hands me a golden bracelet. It wasn't just a bracelet… it was shaped as Katniss' famous Mockingjay pin… the sign of the rebellion.

-"This is mine. If you show it to her in the arena, she'll figure out you're her ally… you're trustworthy. She'll know I gave it to you and pre-arranged the alliance. I also asked Johanna Mason to help her, and you know Johanna, she was not comfortable with it but she agreed. Katniss wants Beetee, Wiress and Mags as her allies, so, whoever from the alliance will be capable of bringing them to her will. The others know what to do. Do you, Finnick?" He looks deep into my eyes.

I think for seconds and Mags looks at me in concern. Senthia looks down, with a similar expression.

I'm important, but Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark are more important to the cause, and Mags is more important to me.

-"I'll guard your star crossed lovers with my life, Haymitch."

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.


	9. Trust

It was the interview night, I was dressed in a black capitol suit with a white shirt and a sea green tie; it's the color that emphasizes my district… the color of my eyes. Senthia said it's going to match them.

-"Any make up, Finnick?"

-"You're my stylist, you should know, right?" I say, smiling.

She returns the smile and says, "The thing is you don't need anything to look divine, this is why I'm giving you the choice."

-"Guess all that will probably go away soon?"

She looks at me… struck by my acceptance of my death.

-"Finnick…"

She says it and shrugs.

-"The truth is I've always loved you like a son. When I put the first parade outfit on you I felt like you were too good to be there. I always wished I had a son like you, although the age difference between us is…" She's silent for a second doing the math, "17 years, not the age difference between a mother and her son, but I always felt like I was your mother."

We're both silent for a while, then I step to her and kiss her forehead.

-"Thank you, Senthia. When I knew you were part of… us…" I don't know if it's safe to say "Rebellion" here…"I was happy because I knew you were a better woman."

-"If you do love me, son… get out of there safe."

-"I'll try, but I can't promise much. If I'm going to die, I'll be happy either way: Protecting Katniss Everdeen and what she represents, or an old man in his bed."

-"Well I guess we'll see how things will go, won't we?"

-"We sure will."

-"Then, for now, go and hit it with Caesar." And she smiles.

I memorize what I'd prepared for the last time.

Last time, I wrote a poem for the first and last time in my life. I always had thoughts of things to write, but they never sounded good to me, so I never did. But this time… the words I said to Annie before the quarter quell reaping could be the last things I ever say to her, and I won't let that happen. I won't go before she knows what's really inside me. So I don't care how bad that poem is, I'll just say it and if she's watching, she'll know it's to her.

I line up for my interview turn, behind the victors of the first 3 districts and Mags, when suddenly Katniss Everdeen appears. She was wearing a capitol wedding dress: Silk, with sleeves reaching to the floor, covered in pearls.

Cinna… is this really you? I don't even see you in that offensive… unmerciful thing. I look at the others and they all have the same expression of disdain on their faces. Some of them were only and purely jealous: She's been the star of the show; looking like burning coal in the parade, got 12 in her training session and now she's in a wedding dress, not to mention her being the one before the last to interview gives her the advantage of staying in the minds. But I didn't want to stay in their minds or get their highest degrees, and I also think all that is only a part of humiliating her, not honoring her.

I finally say, _"I can't believe Cinna put you in that thing."_

She replies, defensively_, "He didn't have any choice. President Snow made him."_

Well, I guess she has her reasons to love Cinna and defend him. And here is one more reason on my list of "Reasons I want to kill Coriolanus Snow".

Cashmere pulls one _"Well, you look ridiculous!"_

Will Cashmere ever stop being jealous of anybody who threatens to surpass her at anything? Not sure, perhaps one of us is going to kill her in that quell before she does.

Johanna stops by Katniss, adjusts her pearl necklace and I think she'd say something as nasty, but she only says, _"Make him pay for it, okay?"_

Thank you, Johanna, because this is exactly what I'd like to say. Will I stand in front of Snow and watch him die one day? I can't be sure, although Katniss seems like a good hope to begin with.

It's not long before the stage is mine. As I go upstage after Mags leaves and Caesar pronounces my name, the ladies start screaming, and the men start clapping or looking jealous. I ignore all that and only smile.

There go my three minutes.

-"So, Finnick Odair. It's been ten years since I had you on this chair and you were telling me you like swimming and sugar cubes, yet it seems like yesterday. You look dashing as always!"

-"Thank you, Caesar. You look as young as you were back then, man." I say it, smiling.

Most of the ladies laugh for no reason. That's not even funny! It's true!

-"Ah, stop flattering me, young man, how can anyone look young or fresh next to you? You're the heartthrob of every single lady in here, right ladies?"

Of course, they go screaming and making every kind of annoying and silly voice. I only smile back.

"See, Finnick, I envy you."

-"Thank you Caesar, thank you ladies."

Ah, here they go again.

-"So Finnick, is there something you'd like to say about how sad things ended up?"

-"Well Caesar… I guess I never imagined it. But if I'm going to go there and die, there is only one message I'd like to convey. A message to the one woman I've ever loved in my entire life. It's a poem."

-"You're not going to say her name, are you?"

-"No, I guess, but she knows it's her."

Half the ladies in that audience think it's them, I'm sure. Let them have that final fake pleasure.

I start reading my poem.

**"I see traces of you in the ocean and traces in the sky**

**And I'm hoping that one day will be the day for you and I**

**In every face I see I always see a part of you**

**Knowing that my whole life is a lie and you're the truth**

**And every time I'm lost I see in your eyes the light**

**And a better chance in life and a new reason to fight**

**And if my death is coming I have no more reasons to lie**

**Before, for you I lived and now, for you I die."**

-"Oh Finnick…" goes Caesar, leaving the rest for the ladies to do.

They scream, yell my name, faint, and everything else that is silly.

-"I'm sorry it's bad, it's my first poem ever."

-"No don't say that, it's wonderful. Now I'm sorry that your time is up, you, young man, are definitely so much sparkle to have around."

-"Yes, I'm sorry my time is up, too." I say it in my last 5 seconds and smile. I figure he got it, because he only gives a dark smile and says, "Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Finnick Odair."

And the same silliness is repeated.

I go and sit with my precedents, and the female victor of 5 goes up.

To Mags and Beetee, the interview was just sad. I feel their hands caressing my shoulders and hear their reconsolidating words. Enobaria, Brutus, Cashmere and Gloss, all of them young and fresh and meeting the same humiliation as I, only looked at me in sorrow, yet we were never friendly enough to really show sympathy. Wiress is only numb as usual.

I watch the other interviews. Some are just stupid and they barely hear what Caesar says, like the morphling addicts of 6, the drunken guy from 5 and Blight. Some succeed to say smart things, like Cashmere, who erased the silly situation she had with Katniss from my head with a very smart and sarcastic speech, her brother Gloss, Beetee, Johanna, and Chaff and Seeder of 11. When they joined us, a lot of them sympathized just as much as Mags and Beetee, the others were just too drunk.

And it's finally Katniss' turn.

Katniss goes upstage and it's a worse mess than my all-lady crowd of lovers. She's a bride in her wedding dress, the star crossed lover of Peeta Mellark, and yet here she is, going to die. Even Caesar could hardly control it that most of Katniss' time went to waste.

When Caesar finally succeeds to stop it, he says, _"So, Katniss, obviously this is a very emotional night for everyone. Is there anything you'd like to say?"_

_-"Only that I'm so sorry you won't get to be at my wedding ... but I'm glad you at least get to see me in my dress. Isn't it just ... the most beautiful thing?"_

And she starts twirling.

Was it scary to me? Maybe. This girl was a spark of hope to me, and then, only then, I realized I loved her like a little sister. She represents everything I'm fighting for. Then, only then, when her dress started burning, I realized that Panem is catching fire.

On our line of seats, those who are involved in the rebels' plan specially, started panicking. I was scared, but all I knew is that I trusted Cinna.

-"Okay everybody calm down, please! This must be Cinna! It's only Cinna's work, she's not dying!" I say to them, and some of them listen to me and start to calm down.

I look at her behind the smoke and know I'm right. She's only as fine as ever, and the dress which burned to the last fiber, didn't leave her naked. Instead, a new dress was revealed. Black, feathery, with white spots on the sleeve.

A Mockingjay.

When the fire is over and everybody's done freaking out, Caesar looks at her in disbelief and says, _"Feathers. You're like a bird."_

"_A mockingjay, I think. It's the bird on the pin I wear as a token."_

Ah, Cinna, what have you done.

Snow is not an idiot. He must know a lot about this girl and her fire. This time it won't be just an amusing interview; someone's life will be on the line. And, because Katniss, Peeta, I and everybody Snow hates is already going to that arena to die, or so he thinks, now he only has Cinna to turn against: The stylist who set Katniss Everdeen on fire.

After that, I'm barely hearing anything. I drown in my thoughts about the rebellion… about the souls we might lose in war. Of course, Cinna will face the consequences of tonight. I will be targeted by Snow, but not before I drop all his little secrets. Everybody Katniss Everdeen loves will be targeted. Who is it that all of Panem knows Katniss loves more than anything? Of course Peeta Mellark or so they think, and her little sister. They might target my Annie or Mags if she makes it out of there. And because I'll be a soldier and I'll protect Everdeen with my life, I might as well lose it.

Well, no good thing comes without a price.

As I think, not paying attention to Mellark's interview, everybody around me suddenly silences. I swear I could hear the sounds of the wind outside.

-"What's wrong?" I ask Johanna who's sitting beside me.

-"She's knocked up."

-"Who?"

-"Everdeen."

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

The next day, we report to the launch room. Neither did Mags nor did I have a mentor to give us advice before we're dropped into the arena; our district has no other victors alive except Annie who's too unstable to mentor. Senthia puts me in a blue jumpsuit made of a thin fiber. This gives me an easy guess: The arena has something to do with water. This is a fiber we usually wear in 4 at the beach. Also, a shiny purple belt which Senthia put around my waist.

I wear my token, the mockingjay bracelet. I'm sad I won't be able to wear the trident necklace, my first hunger games' token which Annie gave to me, but this is crucial.

Senthia looks at me with teary eyes and whispers," Good luck."

I only kiss her forehead again, speechless.

Shortly after I walk into the metal plate and I'm surrounded by the glass cylinder. The glass feels a bit like a layer of tears covering my eyes.

And up I'm lifted.

I close my eyes until I feel like the plate is finally stable. I open them.

My arena. Are you kidding me right now, Snow? You want to get rid of me, you have to do much better. It looks like it was created for me.

It's a circle: A pink sky, a white sun and the sea, surrounded by a sandy beach and woods behind it. In the middle of the water lies the cornucopia on a small sandy island. From the little island of the cornucopia to the beach, there are strings of a sandy land. 12 strings to be exact, I assumed, because there was one between each two metal plates which, of course, hold tributes.

As I figured it all out, half of the sixty seconds before unleashing us passed, and in the others, I figured out what I will do: The easiest thing to me… swim to the cornucopia and get myself some good weapons. If Katniss Everdeen won't be able to swim, which is likely, because I have no information of any kind of water surface in her district, I'll go get her and Peeta myself, as for Mags, well… at the age of eighty, she swims like a sea turtle.

I finally hear the gong, and I jump to the water. Swimming seems even easier than usual. I swim better than sea creatures, but this time I felt like really, I was doing less than usual. I get to the cornucopia first, and I look for my weapon.

Here it is… a silver trident. And of course, a net. On the other side of the island I hear someone arrive.

Katniss Everdeen.

Lucky for me she knows how to swim, I don't have to go and get her. I still have to be careful, though. I have to remember that she didn't choose this alliance, and a girl like her is eager to refuse things she did not choose.

I stand behind her as she gets a bow and a sheath from the cornucopia. She's alarmed. Fast, she pulls an arrow out of the sheath and turns around, pointing it at whoever it is, even before knowing it's me.

I stand far enough from being a threat, yet my trident is just as ready as her arrow, and so is my body.

"_You can swim, too. Where did you learn that in District Twelve?"_

_-"We have a big bathtub."_

_-"You must. You like the arena?"_

"_Not particularly. But you should. They must have built it especially for you."_

My exact thoughts. Of course, Snow is powerful yet he's not requited to know of the arena before everybody does, he just counts on his game makers. And his head game maker is, unluckily for him, Plutarch Heavensbee. Maybe he thought if the arena is more suitable to me, it'll be easier to protect the mockingjay and her lover.

"_Lucky thing we're allies. Right?"_I say it and show her my mockingjay bracelet, all shiny under the white sun.

She looks at me, a bit taken, trying to figure out what the chances are. She seems to have finally figured out I hold Haymitch's approval, because she only says:_" Right." _She doesn't seem pleased about it, though. She must hate the idea of Haymitch dictating who she allies with.

From the other side of the cornucopia, I see that alcoholic from district 5 behind her. I yell at her_,"Duck!"_

She does it immediately, and I shoot my trident at 5. The trident hit him in the chest leaving him dead, I'm sure. As he falls on his knees, I free my trident.

I just killed again.

"_Don't trust One and Two." _I say to her. They don't know of the rebels' plan, and I know they must have an alliance formed already and the first they'll go for is Katniss and Peeta, and as their protector I'll stand in the way.

"_Each take one side?"_She says, and I give a nod of agreement.

On my side, I find nothing but weapons, weapons and more weapons of every possible kind. No food or medicine? No other kind of tools? Odd. Maybe on the other side Katniss has found something different.

I shout, asking if she'd found anything useful.

_-"Weapons! Nothing but weapons!"_

_-"Same here. Grab what you want and let's go."_

As I go back to her side with some things I found useful, I see Brutus close to us, and the rest of his little alliance on their way. Her arrows are definitely a more suitable weapon for getting them from this distance.

"_Do something about that, would you?"_

She starts shooting them. She hits Brutus' belt which turns out to be surprisingly strong and blocks the arrow, as he comes closer, she says, _"Let's clear out."_

I follow her. She stands in a position from which we both see Peeta still on his metal plate, unable to swim.

She drops her weapons and prepares to go and get him, but I put my hand on her shoulder and say, _"I'll get him."_

She looks at me in suspicion and thinks for seconds.

_-"I can."_

_-"Better not exert yourself. Not in your condition."_ I say it dropping my weapons to give her trust, then patting her tummy.

I believe that she's pregnant just as much as I believe she loves Peeta, yet if this is a strategy set by him and Haymitch to get her sponsors, I better not ruin it.

I tell her to cover me and jump to the water. I swim to Peeta, and as I arrive, he looks at me in suspicion. Before saying a word, I show him the bracelet. He looks above me, to the cornucopia and I know what he sees: Katniss covering me with her arrows; she approves of me, too. Once he sees that, he jumps to the water. I hold his body beside mine with one arm and swim with the second. On my left, I see Mags swimming to Katniss. Now my alliance is complete. It's only left to Johanna or any of the others to bring us Beetee and Wiress later.

As I'm near the land, Katniss comes and helps lift Peeta up. He kisses her slightly and starts a little chat with her. I try to leave them their space, until Katniss mentions something about Mags and points to her. I look at her… she's swimming, only with a little difficulty. I realize now she's not as strong as I thought; coming to the age of 80, of course she had some weakness coming at her.

"_Well, I can't leave Mags behind. She's one of the few people who actually like me."_I say, and think "The way I am."

_-"I've got no problem with Mags, Especially now that I see the arena. Het fishhooks are probably our best chance of getting a meal."_Replies Katniss. Mags is not a person somebody could object, generally.

_-"Katniss wanted her on the first day." _Goes Peeta.

_-"Katniss has remarkably good judgment."_I reply, although it's not that difficult to see what's good in Mags.

I jump to the water again and get Mags, she's been away only a short distance.

-"Beetee figured out this is a flotation belt, from the look of it."

_-"Look, she's right." _I say to Katniss._ "Someone figured it out."_

_-"What?"_

_-"The belts. They're flotation devices. I mean, you have to propel yourself, but they'll keep you from drowning."_

Katniss looks to the sea a bit and suggests that we go. Mags takes an awl from her, puts it in her mouth, then lets me carry her; she probably can't handle a lot of climbing or walking either. Back in district 4 Mags' health and energy lowering would easily stay unnoticed, because she's mostly staying at home and most of the time it's me or Annie doing the house work now.

We start walking: Peeta first, then I carrying Mags, and finally Katniss. We climb for a while before I ask them to take a break. Katniss decides to use it to take a look at the cornucopia from up in a tree. I know what she'll find.

I, Katniss, the four careers, Johanna, even Mags… even those drunken or drugged 5 and 6… we're all murderers. We've killed to win the games, and we are still ready to. I know only two people who got into that place with good in their hearts and out of it unchanged: Annie Cresta and Peeta Mellark.

Peeta is, in fact, a better person than any of us. The rest of us with no exceptions are murderers. So, really, I don't expect much from those victors. They'll start killing each other as soon as their feet reach the land.

I look at Katniss' face and she's disappointed and shocked. I know how this can affect her: She'll feel she's not really safe with me; she doesn't know me. She knows everybody here is ready to kill now. I see in her eyes the intention to shoot me with her arrow, killing me in the nearest chance.

What is that girl trying to do? Save Mellark, Haymitch said. She's not trying to save herself, she's trying to save Mellark. So, even if she doesn't really love him that way, she has some sort of feelings for him. Brotherhood? Friendship?

Before she looks at me, I'm right under the tree with my trident, ready to go.

"_What's going on down there, Katniss? Have they all joined hands? Taken a vow of nonviolence? Tossed the weapons in the sea in defiance of the Capitol?"_

Of course, I know her answer.

_-"No."_

"_No, Because whatever happened in the past is in the past. And no one in this arena was a victor by chance. Except maybe Peeta."_

I'm not sure if Mellark took that as I intended it, but Katniss looked like she couldn't agree more.

We look at each other, trying to figure out what to do. I know what to do: If she'll decide to kill me, I'll only defend myself. I have my trident, and really, fire girl, I'm ready to die protecting you or as a soldier in the battle, but die by friendly fire? Sorry, I didn't live through things your sixteen year old brain couldn't even imagine to die like that. Not me.

We look at each other, and it looks like she made up her decision as I'm preparing myself to block an arrow.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.


	10. The Baker

Everdeen seems to have made her decision, when Mellark steps between us, right in front of me.

What's the story with Peeta Mellark? Is he really that good? Can anybody that good exist in this world, anyway? Either he wants to prevent a fight, or he doesn't want to see his girl murder somebody, or he doesn't want me to fight back, I'm still grateful to his goodness. Katniss seems irritated as he asks her a question.

"_So how many are dead?"_

_-"Hard to say. At least six, I think. And they're still fighting."_

_-"Let's keep moving. We need water,"_

Water. I haven't seen any pond or river since I came here, and of course, no matter how long you live with the ocean, the salty water won't get any more drinkable. And dehydration is not something you can underestimate.

_-"Better find some soon. We need to be undercover when the others come hunting us tonight."_

Something about what I said seems to alter Katniss' decision, maybe the fact that I considered us a team in a place where real teams don't exist even between allies. If your ally dies in the arena, this shouldn't mean much to you, but it was clear in my voice that I was protective of her and Peeta.

We walk more, and suddenly we reach the end of the trees. Katniss goes, _"Maybe we'll have better luck on the other side. Find a spring or something."_

But as we walk a few more steps, something strange happens. Katniss looks at the air as if she sees something we don't see, and as if Peeta in the front cuts some vines with his knife to reach the point Katniss is looking at, she starts yelling something.

It's too late. Peeta Mellark hits something I don't see, and it throws him to the ground, on Mags and I causing us to collapse.

Katniss calls his name twice but there is no response. She touches his face, slaps him, but there is no response. She puts her ear on his chest, the spot of his heart, and I know she hears only silence.

I understand now what Mellark has hit that has given him such a strong shock. It's a force field. I know them from past hunger games; especially Haymitch Abernathy's which I watched before mine.

I know what to do. His heart has only stopped seconds ago, so, there is a hope of reviving it. It's something I've done before when I worked as a beach guard in my spare time, I didn't need the money but I needed something to do; so I made sure the district's children are safe while learning swimming, and I saved plenty who went too deep.

I'll give Peeta Mellark a CPR.

I put Mags under a tree and push Katniss away. I ask her to let me do this. I touch the artery of his neck, the spot of his heart and his lungs, to make sure there is no heartbeat. As the result is positive, I pinch his nostrils to close them. I hear Katniss yell, "No!" because it's easy for someone who doesn't know CPR to look like I'm killing him. I push her away, maybe too strong this time. I didn't intend to do this, but if she wants Mellark alive she might have to trust me for a bit.

She hits the tree and I hear the sound of her bow as she prepares to shoot an arrow, at the same second I lock Mellark's mouth with mine, pushing air into his lungs. I know what exactly has stopped her; it's the look of it. It's easy for anyone watching to think I'm kissing Peeta passionately, but I'm only doing my job, in fact.

Next step, I unzip his jumpsuit and start reviving his heart with my hands. I do that for a while and I feel like my hands are hurting, but I'll only stop when I make sure he's alive. Only when he gives a cough, I take a rest.

Katniss was sitting, just watching what I do; I realize she must have seen this somewhere before, she just didn't understand what I was doing in the beginning.

She calls him name, pushes his hair back, touches his neck feeling his heartbeat, and I see something strange in all that.

Mellark whispers something I don't hear, and she laughs. She looks at him in a strange way… I finally start to see some feelings in her looks… I start to recognize things I've seen in people who are really in love. I know the boy is hopelessly in love with her, but… as for her… I always knew the opposite.

He whispers something again, and she yells, _"You were dead! Your heart stopped!"_ and she starts crying.

He says, with a stronger voice I heard this time,_ "Well, it seems to be working now, It's all right, Katniss."_

Trying to get us sponsors, I say, _"It's okay. It's just her hormones, from the baby."_

But we both know Katniss Everdeen is as pregnant as I am.

_-"No, it's not…"_she starts saying, but then it looks like she doesn't know what to say. And then, she started crying even worse.

She looked at me, as if she's trying to decode my thoughts. I look at her, even more puzzled. If Katniss Everdeen is not pregnant at all, so there are no problems with her hormones or anything like that… why is she crying so crazily over Mellark? Does she truly love him? When did she start to realize that? From the look on her face alone, I see a deep love buried inside her and a puzzling mess she doesn't know how to deal with.

Now I know she loves him after all.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

As I lay down in the hut Mags and I made, at night, I think of everything that happened today. Nothing important, except for the facts that we haven't found water, instead, Haymitch sent us a strange looking tube which Katniss later called a spile. Lucky for us, that thing is used to get liquids from the trees, apparently, because when we made a hole in the tree and put that thing in it, we got water. Also, a minute ago, a strong bang, something like the sound of drums, repeated 12 times it woke Katniss up and we both watched a lightning strike a tree from the distance. She asked me to sleep while she guards, and now I'm trying to sleep.

I sleep for what felt like an hour, dreaming of my old life before the hunger games, and what it could have been like if there were no hunger games at all. I dream of Annie, Mags, the sun, the sky, Annie's father taking us on a boat trip. It all seems beautiful and shiny until it starts to shake.

I hear Katniss yelling, _"Run! Run!"_ and I wonder how it sneaked into my dream, then I realize it's not a dream anymore. All I can see is Katniss waking Peeta up, and a strange fog starting to cover us, a very sweet and strong odor hits my nostrils and almost pains them. I take Mags on my shoulder and jump running. I'm not leaving Katniss and Peeta behind; I know they'll be after me.

I hear Katniss coming after me trying to make Peeta move faster, and the boy seems only struck by the fast slip between the beautiful world of sleep and the terrible reality we're living.

I run… I run like crazy as if I'm running from everything I hate. From Coriolanus Snow. From death and sickness. From a terrible mysterious creature hurting Annie. From my slavery. From the capitol. From the hunger games. Something inside me, the instinct of a beast…. Tells me to never look back or care for whatever's behind. But I remember that it's not courageous. It's cowardly to run off those things and not turn around and face them, ready to die stopping them. It's cowardly to just run, leave Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark to death, and do everything to win those games… it's despicable.

I turn around to help Katniss and Peeta. I knew something was wrong because I didn't hear them right behind me, although I'm sure Everdeen can seek me. Something has to be wrong with Mellark. I kept yelling at them…"Come on! Don't surrender to it, come on! You can do this! Don't die here, not like they want you to! Just follow me!" They followed me for a while, but it wasn't long before they broke down again.

I went back to them and realized that the fog is worse than we thought. Peeta and Katniss seem sort of paralyzed… like they lost control of some parts of their bodies. Katniss was still able to move her legs at least, but not Peeta. I try to take his arm and move him, with Mags still on my shoulders, but it's no use. The fog is distant, but it's coming, and it's coming with a steady speed.

"_It's no good. I'll have to carry him. Can you take Mags?"_

_-"Yes."_

It's not hard to do, Mags is much lighter than Peeta; she is very skinny.

I take Peeta, Katniss takes Mags, and we advance. Slower than me running holding only Mags, but at least we're a whole group.

The instinct which lived inside me for 24 years in district 4 leads me to the one thing I always consider a shelter. The sea. Something inside me hopes the fog will stop at the sea… hopes the sea will be some kind of help. Katniss doesn't object or make any note. I realize she probably agrees that the water area will be a better place.

I start to feel the effect of the fog more. I blister like Katniss, and some parts of my body go stiff… as if I'm losing sense of them. Now I hear Katniss crawling to the ground behind me, carrying Mags, trying to get back on her feet but she can't.

I go back to her to find her on the ground; she'd lost control of her leg.

"_It's no use. Can you take them both? Go on ahead, I'll catch up."_

I feel the tears filling my eyes… because I know what's going to happen. My arms are uncontrollable, and my whole body hurts. I can't carry both of them, I know it. And I know what Mags is going to do. I try to hold on to a hope that maybe I can, but my body screams in resistance. Katniss is looking into my eyes waiting for my answer.

"_I can't carry them both. My arms aren't working."_

I look at Mags. I don't know what to say. I'm going to remember all she's done to me and all she sacrificed, and I'm going to cry my eyes out, and I'm going to hate myself and the uselessness of my existence, but all the time allows me to say is,_ "I'm sorry, Mags. I can't do it."_

She doesn't try to make me feel guilty. She doesn't look into my eyes wanting me to try harder. She only rises up… kisses me gently… then runs into the fog.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

Running. Struggling. Pain. More pain. Creatures that talk. Creatures that whisper… All I can see or think about. Memories? They're too hard to try for. I remember some things… yet I prefer not to think about them now. I'm only lying down in shame and pain… knowing that my case is much worse than Katniss' or Peeta's now, so they must be the ones protecting me. Shame.

I'm supposed to be a bigger, stronger man. I don't run away from my fears. Hasn't this been my thing, really, my entire life? I may not have been the most perfect person, but the one thing I don't regret is never escaping… never hiding. I made the choices which put me in the mouth of my fears, and I'm proud of it.

Maybe I could just lie down and die… let Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark do their thing alone… survive the arena, the careers, the capitol, Snow. And then I'll go to Mags and Mr. Cresta… my parents… the children I mentored… and one day Annie will follow, and then I'll be waiting for her in the peace and serenity of heaven, leaving her alone to face this world.

But this is another cowardly option… another dishonorable escape. I have never been the man to escape.

But right now all I can do is lie down feeling a sharp, painful burn on some parts of my body from time to time. Like the pain of a wound in the water of the ocean, yet it's fading gradually. The pain fades, little by little. A part of my brain that is not too unconscious realizes the sharp pain which fades… the whole operation is going through my body starting my feet to my chest. That was when I heard a whisper… a familiar voice say, _"There's just your head left, Finnick. That's the worst part, but you'll feel much better after, if you can bear it."_

It's Peeta? As I try to think, I feel like they've plunged my face in the water. My whole face feels like it's wounded and bloody, and now there's salt all over it. Are they trying to torture me? No. I remember what Peeta just said, and also that after the sharp pain, which is, now I realize, the pain of the salty water on my body, the pain faded more and more into relief. Whatever they're doing, it's helping me. I hold their hands to get myself through the agony and feel lucky that my face is all in salty water already, so they don't notice that I'm crying. Is it the physical pain? No. Sometimes when you're too hurt… too fragile to handle any more… a simple, little thing can trigger you into sobbing.

Is this why those two fresh, young man and girl were bravely and kindly healing me with the water of the sea while a man like me… older, stronger, or that's the way it's supposed to be… was too weak to do it? That they didn't see so much pain they didn't want to just lie down and die?

As the pain fades from my face too, it leaves only the desire for a rehab. What is it that has been my one and only rehab since I was born? The salty water of the ocean, of this sea, or any water where I can swim, really. I finally open my eyes completely and feel ashamed of myself that I've surrendered to the bad feelings. I imagine Coriolanus Snow watching me now, laughing his beard off at my depression. Is that what I want? I only want to burn him with my strength. Yes, I lost Mags… I lost her and all I can do about it now is be silent and try not to think of it, and wait for the suitable time to grief her… but did Mags head to that fog and kill herself for me to curve in a fetal position, cry, and let death come at me? No! No!

I see Katniss and Peeta go back to cleaning themselves as I slip to the water gradually. I swim and think… think only of more reasons to fight… but not about Mags. "Not now," I say to myself, "Not until you get over this heavy feeling that you desire no more than your own death."

As I swim, crying a little bit without being noticed, again, because of the water, I see Katniss looking at me in amusement. My swimming is a bit strange, I have to admit. The longer I spent times in the ocean the more I felt like a sea creature, myself. I don't swim like a man anymore, I swim like a fish.

I dive for a while, then I come up, right next to Katniss. I remember what Mags said about me, joking when I'm most broken. Well, this seems to be true.

"_Don't do that."_

_-"What? Come up or stay under?"_

_-"Either. Neither. Whatever. Just soak in the water and behave. Or if you feel this good, let's go help Peeta."_

Well if she means only physically, I do feel good. Peeta was, apparently, making a hole in a tree to use the spile.

Only as soon as we reach the woods, Katniss seems occupied by something. She only touches my arm, so I look up, in the same direction of her eyes.

Dozens of orange monkeys staring at us. Are those even normal monkeys? No telling. Katniss calls Peeta with a voice as calm as the ocean in a midsummer morning. I understand why… she's trying not to trigger them. But I've got my trident ready, and I won't hesitate much if one of those animals threatens the safety of Katniss or Peeta, or even me. She's got her arrows ready too, and I'm happy with the backup.

Katniss is trying to be as calm as she can talking to Peeta, and to make him come as fast as he can, as quiet as he can. The problem is, we don't know what exactly triggers them. They seem more evil than just some innocent jungle monkeys… it's something more twisted.

Peeta walks really calm towards us, trying to follow Katniss' order. But as he comes closer to us, he starts to feel them… and only as he look up, they attack.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

"_Why don't you two get some rest? I'll watch for a while."_

I remember all the events of today and realize I never had a time to grief Mags alone… without anybody watching or interfering. Between those monkey mutts attacking, the death of one of our allies, bringing Katniss' arrows back from the jungle and really, everything else. I need to sleep, but I need a moment alone more.

_-"No, Katniss, I'd rather."_

For some reason, as she looked in my face, her expression changed into an expression of sorrow. Is it too apparent why I want to be the guard?

_-"All right, Finnick, thanks."_

I sit by the beach as Katniss and Peeta sleep behind me. I'm still yielding my trident as if I'm not only protecting them with it, but also fighting my own nightmares… stabbing them to the death.

As I watch the sea I start remembering who I am.

I'm Finnick Odair. I'm a fisherman. I'm a lover. I'm a fighter. I'm a killer. My parents tried to escape Panem to the ocean when I was young and they left me to Mags. We received news of them being killed by peacekeepers in the ocean, and ever since, Mags has raised me. I'm in love with Annie Cresta. I was sent to the hunger games as a child, and after I won by killing people, I had a few happy years before I was forced to be a prostitute by President Snow, or he'd kill Annie. To guarantee that I'm only dedicating my body to my work, he tried to take Annie away to the hunger games, but I succeeded to get her out of it safe, and now she's almost crazy. I was sent to the hunger games again, and now, I have to protect Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark with my own life because this is the only way to end all this.

Mags.

I was wrong. Annie was not the only reason I was fighting. I was fighting for Mags too. She was half my family, really the closer half. She sacrificed a lot… a lot for me. She was there every time I was broken. She hugged me out of nightmares as a child and as a man. She held on to me and protected me. She made sure every time I'm broken, I still have something to fight for.

I only had her, Annie and her father. Now I only have Annie and only God knows if I'll ever see her again. I lost everything... everything and everybody. I lost Annie the day she was sent to that arena. Who said only her being alive is enough? She's now only half there. Most of the time she sees blood and screaming children. Her only shelter… her only hope in life was me. What is she going to do alone? Who is taking care of her right now? An old woman from the district who had pity on the poor little mad girl and decided to take care of her? What will this woman or anybody do when Annie sees them covered in blood and children screaming while they're being decapitated?

I go back to thinking of Mags and how she helped me with Annie. I had hope that maybe if I, only I die, Mags will be there to take care of Annie. Now, if I die young, who will? And why do I have this constant feeling that I _will _die young?

Maybe because I have nothing more to live for?

But this is cowardly. This is not me. I'm braver than this. I'm going to fight. I'm going to join the rebellion and fight, I'm going to get Katniss and Peeta out of here safe and I'm going to put Snow in insolvable trouble. I'm going to live and tell his secrets in front of cameras. I'm going to avenge Mags. I'm going to save Annie. I'm going to protect Katniss and Peeta because they deserve happiness just as much as I and Annie do.

But after all that, am I going to live to see the new Panem? No telling. I only know if I die doing all that, and not succumbing to all the pain and despair, it'll be the death I deserve… it'll be enough to honor everything that is good and that I've done in my life. If the best I deserve from life is a noble death, then I'll have it. But until then, I'll be fighting and causing all kinds of trouble to those who made me a slave.

I'll be fighting, only not tonight. Not until I spill the river of tears I can feel in my eyes. And because I don't want my tormentors to enjoy this, I hide my face between my knees and cover the rest of my head with my arms, still holding on to the trident, and cry with no sound.

Near what felt like dawn, Peeta awakens. I feel him moving, so I turn around and say, "Hey, Peeta." Thank God I'd finally stopped crying.

-"Hey Finnick. Mind if I join you?"

-"Not at all."

He sits beside me looking at the same space.

-"So, Finnick Odair. You've been mysterious to Katniss and I a bit, you know that?"

-"In which way?"

-"Every single way. In the beginning you're acting strange to Katniss in the parade and the training, and now you seem to do nothing but save us, time after time."

I look at his light, profound blue eyes and all I can see is a true feeling of confusion. No ruse, no tricks. I wonder no more what's special about Peeta Mellark. He's got the heart and soul of a child.

-"We're allies, right?" This is the best explanation I can give him without giving away glances of the plan.

-"You realize this is a killing contest and it's your life or ours, right?"

-"Right."

-"Yet you saved me… three times till now. Once from the force filed, the second time from the fog, and today, from those mutts. What's the story?"

-"No story, really. And remember, you and Katniss cleaned my body from that poisonous fog earlier today, and you saved me once, too."

-"When was that?"

-"In the first day, when Katniss was willing to shoot me from that tree."

He silences for seconds.

-"As a matter of fact, I was trying to save her from you, not the opposite. I knew if she shoots, you're just as ready with your trident. I'm sorry."

-"You think I expected you to prefer to protect me and not the girl you love, the mother of your child? I knew you were protecting her, Peeta. The thing is if she had shot, I would have had to defend myself. And to be honest with you, I'm not willing to kill Katniss. So I was going to try and block the arrow, but not for too long, because your girl is probably the best archer I have ever seen. Eventually, she would have gotten me. So maybe your intention was to save Katniss, but as a matter of fact, you saved me."

-"You said you're not willing to kill Katniss."

-"And your question is why?"

-"Yes. Not that I want otherwise, but it's just… mysterious."

I think for a second.

-"Haymitch and I are friends."

-"What kind of friendship pushes you into putting someone's life ahead of your own?"

-"Haymitch gave me his bracelet and arranged the alliance. He and I arranged to be allies with until the point where it's safe to break the alliance. You know, like the careers do."

-"When the careers ally, they barely protect each other. It's only for more power, not the safety of their fellows. Finnick, please, be honest with me. You let Mags die for us, even."

-"Mags was willing to sacrifice herself for a better chance for me to win, so she ran into that fog. And I'm offering you and Katniss a better chance of being two of the finalists at least because you deserve it. And, do you want Everdeen and your kid alive or not, boy, because you're starting to unnerve me." I say it, trying to put some kind of smile on my face.

-"So that's it? You keep me alive to protect her and the baby?"

-"Yes." Finally I reached to a point where he stopped asking.

He's silent for a while.

-"Thank you, Finnick."

-"No problem."

-"No, seriously. Katniss and I may have rushed things up when we judged you in the beginning."

I only smile.

-"You don't want to know how we judged you?" He says, smiling.

-"As everybody does, I guess. I wasn't trying to steal your girl with those sugar cubes before the parade, I'm sorry if I'd offended you that day. It was only a joke."

-"It's okay. So… you won't drop the name of the girl you recited that poem for?"

I'm silent.

-"Your choice. Although Katniss thinks it's one of your capitol… ladies…" I appreciate him for trying and picking the least offensive words… "But I don't think so. Now that I know you better, I think it might be just a poor girl back home."

I can't help but smile at him.

-"You know, Peeta? You're one of the kindest people I've ever seen. I understand why Katniss loves you."

He looks at the sea… a bit of an empty look. I hold his hand.

-"She does love you. And you deserve it. You deserve to have a happy life and a child, calm winter evenings in front of the fireplace, a beautiful house, enough food for your family, a backyard, I don't know… a bag of marshmallows…" I say and he laughs.

-"… the thing is… I had a taste of this. Being separated from the one you love and thrown into a world of madness… and because of what I said a minute ago about you being the kindest guy I've ever met, I don't want it to happen to you. Hold on to her, protect her. You understand that, Mellark?" I say and I put a serious look in my face as a joke. He laughs again.

-"I will, Finnick, I promise. Only if there is a hope we both get out of here alive."

-"So, maybe after I'm dead and it's only you and her left and all, you guys can find some nightlock around." I say, smiling.

-"We'll figure something out." And we laugh together.

We contemplate the rising sun for a while, and then he goes…"I have to sleep again. I'm sorry I'm leaving you and Katniss to guard, I wish I could do more….."

-"It's not your fault."

-"Maybe, but you've been protecting me too well and so has Katniss been, so maybe I owe you both more than sleep and let you do all the work. May I ask you, though, that Katniss never knows about that discussion?"

-"As you wish."

-"And… we're friends now, right?"

-"Of course." I say it with a smile.

-"See you tomorrow, then."

He goes back to the world of sleep as I think, "Here is one guy who deserves to live more than I do."

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.


	11. The Rose

Can you understand when the pain goes to new highs that you don't have so much power and you can't handle things anymore? When all the walls you've built as a fortress around your heart to keep your emotions from your actions just break down? When all of a sudden you're not ready to fight… you'd rather just lie down and watch your world collapse?

Not everybody can understand why I broke down. Or can they?

After the quarter quell, after Katniss hit that force field with an arrow, the rebels could only rescue Katniss, Beetee and I. They got Johanna and they got Peeta. And before that, in the arena, I knew they got Annie from the screams of the jabberjays. They've got three of the most important people left in my life: My long time best friend, Johanna, the new friend I made in the arena, Peeta, and the love of my life, Annie. So, adding that to everything that's happened before, it was really hard for me to handle more. I just slipped from the cliff into the rocks of the ocean.

I don't know anybody in thirteen except Katniss and Haymitch. Both of them are not available most of the time, so I was alone. When I asked the nurse who took care of me in the mental instability section to get me a rope, I realized district 13 is very severe when it comes to anything that costs money; really, it was a long process for her to clarify to the authorities why she needed it for someone mentally unstable. In the end, I got it. It was short and really, barely enough for anything, and because I knew it would be harder to get me another one, I always made sure to keep it in a good condition.

All I did, the whole day, was tie knots. Nurses and doctors came and talked to me. Most of the time I barely paid attention to anything they were saying, and when they called my name, it looked like it wasn't for the first time and I'd been numb for long. My vision was mostly interrupted by surreal tragic visions. I barely slept because every time I slept, I dreamed of the newest ways they created to torment Annie. But, not all the dreams had to do with Annie. Some had to do with Peeta or Johanna, some were all about me, tied to a bed, and one of my "patrons" was torturing me with pleasure. Some were about Coriolanus Snow, and as I woke up I swear I could still smell his blood and roses. When I say I barely slept, I mean the normal, healthy sleep… yet most of the time I knocked out or was drugged.

Katniss was at the hospital sometimes. I knew she was mad at me because I hadn't told her about the plan of the rebels, yet she never showed signs of anger.

Katniss too was broken. They have Peeta. I realize that if they hurt him… she'll never forgive herself. After all, Peeta plays to her the role Annie plays to me: The bait. They'll use him to torment her… to break her, just like they broke me.

When anybody came to visit, either one of the two people I knew or a doctor, I looked at them trying to decode what they were saying, and it was long before I can focus on it and understand it fully. Yet most of the time I covered my ears like Annie did then knocked out.

Outside, I was quite and I looked like I could barely feel anything. Inside, there was no relief for me. When I slept, it was the nightmares about everybody I loved. When I woke up, came the thoughts. I thought for a few times about killing myself. I don't want to be brave anymore… I don't want to fight. I only want to be in peace… have no feelings at all. Is that too much to ask for? I'm not even asking for happiness… this is too much to want. I'm only asking for peace.

There's no ocean in district 13. They live underground. Here, I discovered that I'm a little claustrophobic. I never knew that before because I've spent my whole life in open spaces, but here, most of the time I feel like the walls are pressuring my chest… like they've collapsed right upon me. When those moments come I cover my ears and pass out… again.

Once, in one of the rare moments I was fully awake, I told the nurse about my claustrophobia. She asked the authorities to take me out sometimes. They gave her the permission, and we went to the woods sometimes. She was firm and not really friendly, but she was kind and she did most of the things I asked for. And, at least, she was not a wall or a cup of tea; I could talk to her without feeling crazy.

Plutarch came once to check on me. Haymitch was with him, yet he was displeased. It was a moment of clarity; I realized Plutarch wants me to have some role in the lead of the rebellion, but Haymitch disapproved because of my condition.

"I'm not crazy, Haymitch." I said to him when he came alone once. "Yet how much can anybody handle, really?"

He looks at me in pity.

Haymitch Abernathy was also offered the deal at one point. But because of a stunt he did with a force field in the arena of the second quarter quell and which put the capitol in a situation as bad as the one with the nightlock, his whole family died shortly after the games. And because they had nobody to use against him, he firmly refused.

-"You know, kid? If we were at 12, I would have offered you some liquor. They have none here. I hate this place."

-"I don't usually drink liquor, Haymitch."

-"Morphling?"

-"No morphling."

-"Ah, so… Odair… how have you managed to stay alive?"

-"I just fought back, I guess."

He laughs.

-"Why couldn't I, you think?"

-"What?"

-"Why couldn't I fight back? Why did I just drag myself to a fraud… a less severe world? Why weren't all of us as strong as you? Me… Chaff… the morphling addicts of 6…"

-"A lot of others did not do drugs or drink either."

-"None of them faced half what you faced, son, I'm telling you. So you, Odair, have a secret, and I'm going to discover it."

He contemplates me for a while.

-"Maybe it's only something inside your heart. Maybe I'm just a weak escapee, and men like you are the real men."

I smile.

-"It's funny you're sitting here talking about my inner power while I'm broken and people think I'm crazy."

-"Think I didn't have moments when I acted like a hysterical young woman waiting for her time of the month? We all have'em, sweetheart. My point is, one day you're going to get on your feet, do something to save your girl, maybe marry her and have a family with her, and you're going to stand up to life like a man. As for me… I don't think I'll ever try to stop drinking and try and face things, kid. They're trying really hard in this place, but… I think they're just too stupid to see things the way they are. A stupid medical program to help me stop drinking won't make the things which make me drink go away. The ghosts of my family will keep haunting me."

-"Maybe it won't change the reasons, but it might change the way you do things, right?"

He silences for minutes, avoiding my eyes.

-"What happened to our people in the capitol? Cinna? Senthia?"

He hesitates, but I insist.

-"Cinna and Senthia are thought to be dead during a torturing process."

And that's when I cover my ears and pass out.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

One day, my nurse came and said I should get out of the hospital with her, for a mandatory assembly for all the people of the district. She knew I sleep naked, although my… private parts… were hidden under the sheets, so she ordered me to put on something, then she fled out, blushing. She's only a few years older than me, she could be from 27 to 30. For a moment I remembered Senthia doing the same only months ago, then I remember what Haymitch said and I start crying as I get out of bed. In the bathroom, I take a shower while still crying over Senthia and Cinna, then I get out, wipe my tears, put on my hospital gown, pants, and that bracelet which indicates my mental instability, and I don't forget my rope. The nurse comes again to take me, then we head out and I see the other residents of the hospital lining up to head to the reunion too, lead by Mrs. Everdeen, Katniss' mother. She works here in the hospital now, and she visited me once. Her specifications, though, didn't have to do with psychological problems, so it was rare to see her around.

When she sees me, she asks me to be first in the line, I realize she wants to talk to me. She smiles and says, "You're okay, Finnick?"

-"Yes, Mrs. Everdeen, thank you."

She looks at me in concern… a maternal concern I haven't seen since Mags.

-"Has Katniss been visiting you?"

-"Oh… yes. She visited me three times."

-"That's not enough, you're her friend."

-"I understand, she must be quite mad at me because of not telling her the plan and she must be pretty concerned, too, you know, about Peeta and being the mockingjay…"

-"This is not an excuse for her. She's one of the very few people you know here, she shouldn't leave you alone. Do you know Prim?"

-"Prim… Primrose? Your daughter? Sure."

-"She'll be there for you. I don't have much of a… communicative relationship with Katniss, but I'll talk to Prim."

-"It'll be nice to have her around, Mrs. Everdeen."

She looks at me and smiles… again… a very maternal smile. Only then I realized how much I miss having a mother.

-"Thank you for what you did for my daughter, Finnick."

-"No problem."

She pats my shoulder.

We finally arrive to the collective. Everybody's there… people I don't know. I only know Mrs. Everdeen, so I follow her. I look around feeling a little lost. Why would they need me? Why would anybody do anything to me but let me wait for death, really? Minutes later, Mrs. Everdeen goes away to place some ill people in chairs. I feel even more lost. That was when somebody nudged me… it was Katniss.

_"Finnick! How are you doing?"_

I'm so happy I finally met someone I know that I hold her hand.

_"Katniss! Why are we meeting here?"_

_-"I told Coin I'd be her Mockingjay. But I made her promise to give the other tributes immunity if the rebels won. In public, so there are plenty of witnesses."_

The other tributes… she means the other victors. That includes… I start to count in my head… Peeta, Johanna, Enobaria, and of course, Annie.

_-"Oh, good. Because I worry about that with Annie. That she'll say something that could be construed as traitorous without knowing it."_

_-"Don't worry. I took care of it."_ She squeezes my hand and walks. The warmth of finally meeting someone I actually know didn't fade, though; I feel a little better and I take a seat. Katniss comes back to my place and takes a seat beside me.

Alma Coin, the president of 13, starts talking and I'm not really paying attention. I keep tying my rope. But I started paying attention as the crowd around me started to mumble angrily and shoot angry looks to Katniss. Everywhere I looked there was someone looking at Katniss in anger.

_"But in return for this unprecedented request, Soldier Everdeen has promised to devote herself to our cause. It follows that any deviance from her mission, in either motive or deed, will be viewed as a break in this agreement. The immunity would be terminated and the fate of the four victors determined by the law of District Thirteen. As would her own. Thank you." _

I understood that… and looked at Katniss. If she doesn't do whatever Coin asks her… she, Annie, Peeta and Johanna die. In conclusion, I'll lose the only people left in my life. Katniss was expressionless, yet I'm sure she understood the same.

After the announcement, Mrs. Everdeen led us back to the hospital. I stayed in my room tying knots for hours. I tried not to think about Mags, Senthia, Annie, my parents, Mr. Cresta or anybody else who suffered because of me. I put my attention only in that rope. That was when the nurse, of course, knocked my door.

-"You have a guest, Finnick."

-"Do I need to put something better on?"

She looks at me in my hospital gown and pants.

-"No, it's all good."

I wait for my guest. It's Primrose Everdeen. She comes in with her beautiful long golden locks and blue eyes. She looks like her mother. Katniss inherited her father's looks, then.

-"Hello, Finnick. You're okay?" She says it and gives me a shy smile.

-"I'm good, Prim, thanks. We've never been introduced, but you just called me my name so… I assume you know me." I said, smiling politely.

-"Who doesn't, right? Mind if I sit?"

-"Be my guest."

She sits in a chair beside the bed.

-"I'm going to ask you for something strange. This should be after we get to know each other, normally, but I feel like we should build our relationship on it."

-"Sure, anything."

-"I never had an elder brother, you know. Peeta and Gale are great, really, but both of them would rather spend time with Katniss. I know you too never had a younger sister. Would you mind if I be yours?"

I smile at her, as warm as I could.

-"I would love to have you as my little sister. So… how is everything going, outside?"

-"Nothing special. We attend classes, get trained, have meals… 13 is a boring district."

-"I know, Haymitch keeps complaining about it." We both laugh.

-"But this is the only place we have left, right? And at least here, they're trying to make Panem a better place."

-"How are you imagining Panem when it becomes a better place?"

She thinks for a while.

-"Everyone has enough food, a job, the children are happy, there are no hunger games…"

-"And, how about you?"

She smiles.

-"I'll probably be married and have my own child. I'll work as a healer."

-"When you say "Married"… Is there someone special on your mind?"

She smiles again and blushes.

-"I can keep a secret. I won't tell anyone, I promise." I keep secrets better when they're the secrets of the people I love, not the secrets I receive as a price of my slavery.

-"His name is Rory."

-"Who is he?"

-"Gale's younger brother. I catch him looking at me sometimes, but he pretends not to. Sometimes we talk… but we're not telling people, you know, we're scared they might mock us."

-"I'd never mock someone for being in love. So… I saw Gale a few times here, he looks good. His brother… is he as cute?"

-"It's funny you're describing someone as good looking…" We laugh. "Yes, he's sort of cute."

-"Good for you. Any time you need some help with the guy, you know where to find me."

-"Thank you, Finnick. You know, sometimes the only question on my mind is…"

-"…Is?"

-"Will I even live to see this new Panem or not?" She almost whispers.

I hated this world. I hated it because a child as good and innocent as Primrose Everdeen is not even sure she'll live long enough.

-"But… Prim… don't ever, ever say that. Of course you will. One day you'll be back in 12, they'll reconstruct it, and there will be no more hunger, and you'll be a healer and Rory will be a miner, and he'll propose to you once and you guys will be married and have a beautiful boy who looks like Rory and a beautiful girl who looks like you.

Isn't that what we're fighting for? For you, Rory, and… I don't know, do you know any other children?"

-"Vick and Posy, and some of my school friends."

-"…Vick, Posy, your school friends, every single child on earth to be happy? And to have a life worth living? Prim, Katniss is fighting for you. Gale is fighting for you. I'm fighting for you. Well… maybe not right now but I'm sure once I'll get less crazy…" She laughs.

-"Peeta, Annie, Johanna, Enobaria and God knows who too are surviving torture for you. I'm too lazy to do the math, but a huge number of tributes died for you. Don't you think all this counts? If it doesn't count, then we all don't deserve to exist."

She still looks at me… a little unsure.

-"Give me your hand."

She does it.

-"Primrose Everdeen… I'll fight for you. I'm quite a good fighter. You know, I can yield a trident, tie knots, do traps with nets, I'm good at this. And your sister and Gale too, I guess, they are great archers. We'll always fight for you… we'll always protect you. All I want from you is to forget about all the monstrosity going on around and just… enjoy your childhood. When I was one year older than you I went to the hunger games. Ever since, I realized a childhood only comes one time and if you miss it, you really, really miss a lot."

She smiles at me… a warm smile I've never seen anything like which makes me realize whatever smile I'll succeed to put on my lips will be stiff… cold.

-"May I ask you something?" I say.

-"Sure."

-"Everybody keeps calling your mother Mrs. Everdeen. I want to know her first name."

She laughs.

-"Her first name is Magnolia."

-"So all the females in your family are named after wild flowers?" We both laugh.

-"It's a beautiful name, though."

-"I'll tell her you said that. We've been talking about me for too long, now, can we talk about you for a bit?"

-"Sure."

-"I want to know everything about you in details because this is how it should be between a brother and his sister, right?"

-"Right." I frowned a bit upon the idea of telling her. I never dared to tell Annie, a grown up girl, and I'm going to tell this innocent child?

-"Some stuff is only for adults, though." I say, still frowning yet trying not to look aggressive, and she laughs.

-"You're growing as protective of me as a brother, indeed." We laugh. "Only the stuff a child can know."

-"Well… I grew up by the ocean. If I ever live to see the new Panem, I'll take you there. I'd hate for you to never enjoy its beauty." We smile.

-"What else?"

-"Mags and Annie's father are my parents. Not like they really conceived me, but they raised me as their child."

-"Annie is your girl?" She whispers. "And they have her?"

I only nod.

-"I'm sorry, Finnick." She says holding my hand. "You'll get her back one day. I know that."

-"You think so?" I ask her as if I'm really, really asking for certainty and reconsolidation from a little girl. Maybe I was, after all.

-"I know so. Okay, move on. What are your hobbies?"

-"Swimming, tying knots, training with my trident…"

-"Saving people's lives." She says, smiling.

-"Not always." We laugh.

-"What's your favorite color?"

-"Sea green."

-"Like the color of your eyes?"

-"Yes."

-"Anybody's got to love it, right?"

I smile.

-"What's yours?"

-"The lighter shades of pink. You know, the closer ones to white."

-"They do suit you, don't they?"

She smiles.

-"What's your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?"

-"Walk by the beach holding Annie's hand. Yours?"

-"Play with Buttercup."

-"Buttercup?"

-"My cat. Sometimes I also meet Rory, we walk around together, mostly near the woods of our district, but we never go in. Only our elder siblings are brave enough to."

Somebody knocks the door. It's Mrs. Everdeen. Mrs. Magnolia Everdeen.

-"How are you Finnick?"

-"Great, Mrs. Everdeen. Thank you for letting Prim visit me, she totally made things better for me."

-"Oh, you're welcome, Finnick. If you'd like, I can ask the doctors to schedule a visit from her every day. Will 8 o'clock be okay?"

-"Sure. This would be great, Mrs. Everdeen. I'm honestly grateful, of course if Prim has no problem about it."

-"Of course I don't!" Says Prim. "Finnick has been great, mom. I'd like to visit him more often."

The mother smiles at me, again, in a maternal way.

-"If you wouldn't mind, it's time for her to sleep, so I must ask her to go to bed."

-"No problem."

She calls her daughter out and before she leaves, she smiles and waves to me.

-"See you tomorrow, brother?"

-"See you tomorrow, sister. If I may ask you and Mrs. Everdeen though… maybe Katniss shouldn't know about this. It might make her feel guilty for not coming to see me, and I don't want this. She already has enough responsibilities."

-"As you like."

She leaves.

What a shame on me. I gave up on her and I gave up on her sister. I gave up on the cause. I gave up on Peeta and Johanna. I gave up on Annie. I gave up on what Mags and Mr. Cresta died for.

I gave up on myself. I lied down here, let the ocean of madness drag me, and didn't even try to swim. I stopped fighting…. I stopped doing the one thing I was born to do.

From now on, I won't be a coward. I won't surrender or let the current of things get me. I'll fight again and again. I'll live to see a better world or die trying to build it and if I do, I'll be dying a winner.

I'll fight for my family. I'll fight for children like Primrose Everdeen.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.


	12. Madness

What do they think they're doing when they won't let me go and fight? This is stupid! Then why am I here or alive at all! What can I be other than a fighter? I can't even be a fisherman, there's no ocean here! I hate 13!

Katniss has got to know about this, she won't let it happen to me. We fought together in the arena! I know she's going on a mission to 8, I ask several people where she'd be, the last one guessed she'd be at Airborne Division with Boggs now. For some reason, every time I talked to somebody they were a little… confused. They looked at me in a strange way. What is wrong with everybody?

I arrive to the Airborne Division, and there they are, Katniss and Boggs, standing by the elevator.

I run to them.

_"Katniss, they won't let me go! I told them I'm fine, but they won't even let me ride in the hovercraft!"_

I'm sure she'd do something about it. Maybe she'll tell Boggs to take me.

Instead of saying anything, Katniss contemplates me. A mixture of feelings appears on her face: Pity… sorrow… confusion. Boggs on the other hand looked nothing but embarrassed. What's happening today?

_-"Oh, I forgot. It's this stupid concussion. I was supposed to tell you to report to Beetee in Special Weaponry. He's designed a new trident for you." _Says Katniss.

A trident! By Beetee, which means it does a lot of special things! Well, if I'm going to go and fight sometimes, I have to have one, right?

_-"Really? What's it do?"_

_-"I don't know. But if it's anything like my bow and arrows, you're going to love it. You'll need to train with it, though."_

Well, if it is special, then I've got to train with it. Only then I realize I can't go with Katniss.

_-"Right. Of course. I guess I better get down there."_

_-"Finnick? Maybe some pants?"_

What does she mean?

I look down at my legs. Well, maybe I'm crazy after all. I really did leave my hospital room in my nightgown and start wandering around without pants. I do look ridiculous, I know, so I won't let that pass without a little joke.

_-"Why? Do you find this…"_ I pull my nightgown knowing there's nothing left but my underwear, and bend a little bit giving a seductive pose, _"Distracting?"_

Katniss laughs while Boggs looks most uncomfortable.

_-"I'm only human, Odair."_

She gets to the elevator with Boggs.

Right after the door closes, I see my nurse by the door of the room. In the beginning, she looks at me as if she'll start blaming me for leaving my room and wandering in the district without pants and also taking my nightgown off, but she looks at me for seconds, and I see the same expression of pity I saw on Katniss' face.

She sighs.

-"Let's escort you back to your room, shall we?"

-"But… Beetee designed a trident for me, I need to train with it."

-"Not now, you need some sleep. I saw your room's lamp lit the whole night. Have you been tying knots?"

-"Yes." I confess.

-"I knew it." She sighs again. "Come on, come with me."

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

The strange part is, I was Annie. I knew I was Annie. I was tied to some bed, and a doctor with a back coat was holding a blade cutting different parts of my body while I scream with her voice. The doctor or scientist or whatever lowers his head and turns around and as he turns back, it's Coriolanus Snow. Now, it's me, Finnick. The blade in his hand has become a white rose… one of his genetically modified roses which make a smell I hate. He puts it right in front of my nose and chokes me. I'm unable to breathe… I scream.

And I wake up screaming.

-"Finnick. You're okay?"

It's my nurse. She's been here putting my lunch tray.

-"Yes… yes I'm okay. How long have I been asleep?"

-"3 Hours. That's why you hate sleep, isn't it? You constantly have nightmares."

I nod.

-"I'll ask the doctor to give you some sleeping pills. You won't be dreaming at all."

-"Thank you."

-"No problem. Anyway, your scheduled appointment with Primrose Everdeen is scheduled tonight at 8 PM, Healer Everdeen has finally gotten the permission from the head doctors."

Prim! Thank God.

"Tomorrow morning I'll be taking you to Beetee at special weaponry if you want to see your trident. Now is lunch time."

She puts the tray on my lap, it has an ugly meal on it. In 13, they don't care about the pleasure of good food like we do in 4, they only give you what your body needs, utterly and simply. I started eating without a real appetite, when someone knocked the door.

It was Prim, looking terrified.

"Miss Everdeen! It's only 3 PM, isn't your scheduled visit at 8?"

-"I have to talk to Finnick. Sorry, Mrs. Ringrotts."

The nurse went out of the room.

"Prim! What's wrong?"

-"Finnick, Katniss and Gale went to 8! You think they'll be okay?"

-"Are there news that 8 is attacked or something?"

-"Not right now, but I heard at the hospital that 8 is one of the most targeted districts because it's one of those where the rebellion started."

When Prim says that, I feel guilty because in the last few weeks, I cared only about the close people to me, and forgot about the people of my district. What's happening to them, right now? It's one of the districts which lead the rebellion, too, which means it too will be one of the most targeted.

-"Just relax, Prim. Katniss will be okay. Gale and Boggs will be protecting her."

-"But… how do you know Boggs is with them?"

-"Because I saw them before they go. I tried to go and protect her, but they wouldn't allow me. I'm sorry, Prim."

-"It's okay, brother. You mind if I stay with you until she comes back?"

-"Of course not, take a seat."

She takes a seat, and we start talking. I told her stories, jokes, everything that is possible to make her feel better. I owe her for not going there and protecting her sister.

Later, we received news about her coming back. The nurse said they were attacked but they're all okay, and they got a good tape to air on TV. I know from the last few days that Beetee will be doing something to assault airtime from the capitol, that way the rebels will be able to air their own tapes on TV all over the districts, too.

Prim left the room to go on with her work at the hospital and I sat alone again. My nurse came back by dinner saying that Katniss is in the hospital too, asking me to go and see her in her room if I like.

"Why is she in the hospital? Didn't they say she was okay?"

-"Just a concussion."

I took my dinner tray and Mrs. Ringrotts took me to her room. In my room, there is no TV because they wanted to avoid me seeing things which might cause me to pass out, like whatever the Capitol airs. We turned the TV on to see the tape; it was a mixture of scenes of Katniss with casualties in a hospital, Katniss giving a rebellious speech, Gale, Boggs, in the end when the bombs started falling on that hospital, Katniss covered her head with her pillow. I felt like passing out, but I held on because I owe her some help.

_"People should know that happened. And now they do." _I say.

_-"Let's turn it off, Finnick, before they run it again." _But only as I start doing what she said, she yells, _"Wait!"_

In the beginning I was confused, but then two familiar faces appeared: Peeta Mellark and Caesar Flickerman. Peeta seems much, much worse than the last time I saw him. His facial expressions… his weight… everything about him changed. He was visibly weak and in bad health.

He talks against the rebels, tells people all over the districts they're destroying the country, and also that they're using Katniss and she doesn't know how she is used. Then he says_, "Don't be a fool, Katniss. Think for yourself. They've turned you into a weapon that could be instrumental in the destruction of humanity. If you've got any real influence, use it to put the brakes on this thing. Use it to stop the war before it's too late. Ask yourself, do you really trust the people you're working with? Do you really know what's going on? And if you don't...find out."_

Do I trust them? Do I trust Coin and her men? Plutarch? I do know that people all over the districts have been dying and right now they're dying, and the people of 13 his underground behind their walls pretending not to exist and now, they jump up trying to take lead of the rebellion when in fact, they do nothing but shoot propos. Does the fact that they're against the Capitol automatically make them good? I don't think so. They can be both bad while we… the underdogs… the people of the districts are the only good ones.

If 13 can nuke the capitol and stop all its monstrosity or at least represent a threat to them… why didn't they stop the hunger games and save all those children? Why didn't they stop the famine? The poverty? Why did they allow me and others to be sold and bought? For that alone I don't think I trust them enough.

Yet, Peeta is not stupid. He knows the Capitol might fall, and then, he'll be at the hands of the rebels. Why is he making it hard for Katniss to save him? To convince the rebels that he's not a criminal? Whoever's making him say that is not his brain, for sure, it's someone who doesn't care about his safety. From the look on his face I can say they poisoned his brain to say those things.

How would this affect Katniss? If it made me doubt 13, it surely would give her some discomfort, too. And if they know that… those whose footsteps I hear coming to the room right now… let's just say they won't be satisfied.

I hold Katniss' arms with my hands and I look deep into her eyes_. "We didn't see it."_

_-"What?"_

_-"We didn't see Peeta. Only the propo on Eight. Then we turned the set off because the images upset you. Got it?"_

She only nods.

_-"Finish your dinner."_

Fulvia Cardew and Plutarch enter the room right in time Katniss and I got ready to look normal.

-"Hello Katniss! Hello Finnick, it's nice to see you get better because we were going to ask you for some service. Fulvia got this idea about a propo called "We Remember" about the fallen tributes and we thought you'd be the best one to host it. Are you in?"

-"Would be delighted, Plutarch." I felt like Katniss was not ready to talk without showing signs of seeing Peeta's tape, and they're pretending like they didn't see it, although I'm sure they headed here once it ended to make sure Katniss didn't see it. So I kept on talking to cover on her silence.

-"Katniss and Gale looked really good on the tape. Didn't Gale look good, Katniss?"

-"What? Yes. Yes! He looked really good!" Then she realized she should say something or she'd look suspicious. "Congratulations on the tape, it was very powerful."

-"Well it was you, Katniss, right?" Plutarch said and smiled.

-"So, Plutarch…" I say. "If you might excuse me, I'm really tired I have to go to bed, we're both really tired that once the propo ended we turned the TV off and I was going back to my room. Right, Katniss?"

-"Of course. I felt sleepy so I told Finnick to turn the TV off."

-"Oh, good. So we'll leave you alone now, have a good sleep!"

They walked out, and I looked at Katniss. We were both clueless. Or, did we just have one more reason to distrust those people?

"Will I see you tomorrow?" I say.

-"Maybe. If you'll shoot that propo for them we might meet."

-"Alright. See you then."

Then I take my tray and walk out.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

I saw Katniss for a different reason than she expected. Gale had work at special weaponry with Beetee, so she asked for permission to take me to the woods. I was happy to go to the woods with someone familiar and to finally get some air. In the woods, we walked around and talked.

"So, how is everything going?" I say.

-"Good. You know, sort of silly. I don't feel like I'm doing something, really, I thought I could do more than shooting tapes."

-"Well they won't throw their Mockingjay in a real battlefield, will they? You're important."

-"But I don't always listen to them, you know. When we were in 8, I did do some… stuff."

-"Stuff?"

-"I went out of my safe spot and went right to the battlefield. I shot some hover planes. You know, with Beetee's explosive arrows."

-"But…" I was worried and bothered. Katniss was, by a lot of means, a little sister to me. "This is wrong. Never do that again, Katniss!"

-"Oh you're not saying that I shouldn't do something real too!"

-"It's not about that, it's…. I'm worried about you, okay? You're my little sister. Would you be happy knowing that Primrose is trying to shoot some hover planes somewhere?"

She thought for a while.

-"Prim is not a 17 year old archer, is she?"

-"Still, you wouldn't want to know someone you care about and consider part of your family is in a battlefield. Katniss, Prim has been really worried about you specially that she sees you less now. And I'm sure so has been your mother."

-"When were you talking to Prim?"

Ugh… why do I lose my concentration?

-"I saw her once while I was wandering around in the hospital so we talked a bit."

She was silent for a while.

-"Oh I'm sorry, Finnick. I know you only know me and Haymitch here and most of the time Haymitch is busy trying to control my life…" She looked barely able to hide her irritation… "But I should be seeing you more. I totally gave up on you, I'm sorry."

-"Katniss, it's okay. I know you're responsible of a lot of things. Your role as the Mockingjay, Peeta… just promise me the next time you'll think of endangering your life make sure at least Boggs and some men are with you, okay? Not Gale, Gale is one year older than you with the same talents, he's just as fragile."

-"You're telling me you don't want to go out and start some trouble, Odair?" She said, smiling.

-"Of course I want to. I want to burn Snow and his system with my fury… I want to choke him with my own two hands. But first I have to make sure my family is okay. You, Peeta, Johanna, Annie, even your mother and sister are my family now. If you think about it, I have nobody else. So promise me on the next mission I'll be there, to make sure you're okay, at least."

She looked at me for a while… I failed to decode the expression on her face. It was a mixture of tenderness, pity and a friendly look.

-"I promise you I'll get better to fight at least." I say. "Or maybe fighting will be my only cure, anyway."

Under a tree, I throw my communicator. She understands I want to talk about something private, so she does the same. We go far enough from it to make sure it doesn't capture the conversation.

"Speaking of Peeta and his interview…" I say. "_I haven't heard one word about it. No one's told you anything?"_

She only shakes her head.

_-"Not even Gale?"_

She doesn't say anything. I feel sorry for her because Gale is supposed to be her best friend here, and she must be disappointed at him. I'm also sure, and I'm sure she is, too, that he knows about the whole interview thing.

_-"Maybe he's trying to find a time to tell you privately."_I say, trying to give her some hope to hold on to.

_-"Maybe."_

For the next minutes, we just sat under the tree enjoying the calm. We saw a buck wandering, Katniss shot it with an arrow and I carried it back to the fence. At least we made a good addition to the food here, which is usually horrific.

The rest of the day passed normally. Prim came by dinner holding her tray and we ate together talking about Katniss, District 4, Rory, Annie, our homes, our mothers; Mags and Magnolia. I couldn't help but notice the resemblance between the two names, and start wondering of Mrs. Everdeen will really be my new mother figure. After she left, I felt alone. Primrose Everdeen is someone I'm really happy to know… my little sister as she asked. Something about her felt familiar. The things I love about Katniss are in her, and also the things I love about Annie and Peeta.

The next day, the director, Cressida, who directed Katniss' propos came with Fulvia Cardew to take me to shoot the propo about the fallen tributes. This one was about Rue, the little girl from district 11 who was Katniss' only ally in her first hunger games and who died while Katniss sang for her, and whose death was the first call for rebellion.

I was given a paper with Rue's information on it, but I was told to say the rest from the heart. It felt easy; I did have feelings about it.

Plutarch came to watch too, with Haymitch. A prep team came, they tried to do something for me, but obviously they couldn't.

"Nothing to be done, Finnick." Said Cressida. "You already look stunning. Okay, thank you guys for trying." She said to the prep team.

-"But the prep teams from the capitol usually seemed to do a lot?"

-"We're not trying to draw a pseudo image of you as a sex symbol like they did. I mean, you are a sex symbol of course, you're the most desirable man in Panem, but we're not doing it the capitol way. We're making you just a normal boy who looks really stunning but natural; just another district underdog who suffered for years. We want to make the people in the districts sympathize, not go jealous."

Which means I'll only look like myself. Finally something I love about district 13.

The cameras finally started to roll.

-"Action!"

-"Ladies and gentlemen all over Panem, this is Finnick Odair. We represent to you a program about the fallen tributes, the ones you lost, the ones we all lost, the children who could have been alive with us now, but they left our world and now they're happy, forever young in heaven. We're trying our best to pick up the remains of mercy and humanity in the hearts of some so they could finally see all the mess the hunger games caused and all the oppression we've been under. We're asking only for our birth rights: Equality and justice, and safety for us and our children.

Today's episode is about a little girl I only saw once but never officially met with. Her name is Rue and I think you all remember her, for all we knew about her is she had a family like everyone of us… people she wanted to go back to… but instead, she died in the arms of Katniss Everdeen two years ago. I doubt the scene of her death didn't move even the heart of the cruelest person." Well maybe not yours, Coriolanus Snow, I thought to myself.

"Rue, ladies and gentlemen, was not killed by the district 1 boy named Marvel; he, too, was nothing but a victim. Rue was killed by the capitol. By the game makers. By the system and its head, President Coriolanus Snow.

This paper here…" I show the paper I've been holding, "Says information about Rue. Her name is Rue Glowberry. Her parents are present, and she has 5 siblings. When Rue was reaped to die, she was not older than Primrose Everdeen, yet she was not as lucky; all her sisters are all younger than her, so no one like Katniss Everdeen was there for her. She helped the family earn its living. If last year, Peeta Mellark hadn't donated a part of his wealth to them they could have been dead by now.

This is what the paper says, but I'd like to add more. Children like Rue deserve to have a normal, healthy childhood. They deserve to feel safe, fear no hunger or hunger games. If you want your child to be the next Rue, then go ahead, give up on the rebellion, just believe what they're spreading about the rebellion being a destructive thing and stand against it. If you want your child to have the childhood he or she deserves, please don't succumb. Join the rebellion… the only hope we have in the future. Thank you."

-"Cut! Oh my God, Finnick, you were amazing! I think we'll use your help for even more propos. You're fantastic! Very effecting!"

-"Thank you, Cressida."

-"That was great, Finnick, really." That was Plutarch. Haymitch only looked at me… an appreciating smile showed on his face. It's all good when a man like Haymitch, usually sarcastic and harsh, gives someone such a smile.

-"Thank you, Plutarch. Well at least if I can't fight, I should find another way to contribute, right?"

-"And it was perfect. Thank you for all."

Cressida then and her team, a skinny guy and two twins, asked for the excuse to go because they were going with Katniss and Gale to 12 to shoot a propo… a safe one, this time. They expected no attacks.

I spent the rest of the day in my hospital room. Prim came and asked me about the propo I did; she was probably told by somebody.

-"Haymitch mentioned something about it to mum today. It really was about Rue?"

-"Yes. As a matter of fact you inspired me a big part of it."

-"How?" She says, smiling.

-"Let's just say that children like you or like Rue or the children I mentored… well, they all deserved better. The fact that they're dead doesn't mean it's too late to avenge them. I'll only avenge them by fighting for the other children like them who don't deserve the same fate… like you."

She smiles at me, again, the same warm smile from the first time.

-"I think one day you'll have a child as wonderful as you, Finnick, and he'll be worth fighting for too. But he'll live in a safer Panem, not like ours, I hope."

It was my turn to give her a shining smile.

-"Thank you, my angel." I whispered. "Let's talk about something else, please, I don't feel comfortable talking about death to my little sister."

She laughs. "Okay."

This time, we talk mostly about things or animals, not about people. She talked to me about her cat Buttercup which came with her here, and her goat, Lady, which died at the bombing of 12. I described lobsters and fish as they swim between your feet before you attack with your trident, as fast as thunder, knocking a few of them for dinner. I also described dolphins: My favorite animals on earth.

-"They're life savers?"

-"And also sweet, kind, brave, smart and unexpectedly really friendly. For someone who doesn't know them, they might expect a fish that size must be ferocious, but as a matter of fact it's as friendly as a creature could get."

-"So, they're life savers, they're sweet, kind, brave, smart and friendly, but people misjudge them by their appearance. This describes someone I know."

-"Who?"

-"You."

I smile to her and hold her hand as she describes to me her family's plant book.

We later receive news of Katniss coming back, then Mrs. Everdeen came to take Prim. Prim leaves and promises we'd see each other tomorrow.

The next day, I took a shower, put on an old T Shirt and pants and stayed in bed most of the day. Prim came with her dinner tray, saying that Katniss spent the day almost the same way, but she didn't stay for long because they came asking me to attend a special reunion. Prim had to return to her work with her mother, and I had to go. My nurse comes and takes me to command and there is a crowd of people. I take a seat between Fulvia and an empty one between mine and Plutarch's, apparently for Katniss.

-"What is it, Fulvia?"

-"Beetee found a way to air our programs also in the capitol. Which means we can also send messages to the people there, now. Also they announced on the capitol's television newscast that Snow makes an appearance tonight."

Snow. In minutes I'll get to see my enemy.

When Katniss came, she sat in her preserved chair beside me.

_"What's going on? Aren't we seeing the Twelve propos?"_

_-"Oh, no, I mean, possibly. I don't know exactly what footage Beetee plans to use." _Says Plutarch.

_-"Beetee thinks he's found a way to break into the feed nationwide," _I say,_ "So that our propos will air in the Capitol, too. He's down working on it in Special Defense now. There's live programming tonight. Snow's making an appearance or something. I think it's starting."_

The anthem starts and the seal I hate appears, then it's Snow. I look at him in infinite hatred that I don't know how didn't explode and make me get up and act hysterical and break the screen. I'm barely focused on anything he says until Peeta appears. Looking at his appearance, Katniss whispers, _"He's worse."_ I only hold her hand because I have nothing to say. She's right. The look on his face was crazy. It was like Annie's in her craziest moment, when she doubted everything in the world… even me. When she remembered all my crimes… my arena kills, and was reminded that I'm not much different from the career who beheaded her neighbor. She started yelling at me or screaming or throwing things… In such moments I only stayed away raising my hands to show her I had nothing to hurt her with. Then when I could finally approach her, with a lot of effort, depending on how scared she was, I hugged her and whispered in her ears that I'm never, ever going to hurt her. She'd only let me take her to bed and caress her to sleep, and the next morning when she woke up, she apologized to me with teary eyes, promising me those frenzies will never be repeated. But they were, and I forgave her, first because it's not half her fault, and second because she was sort of right.

Can they drive Peeta do that point? Can they mess up his standards… his memories… his feelings even… to the point he distrusts Katniss? I'll die before I tell her about those doubts.

Peeta started talking about how much damage the "rebels" were making aided by a map. Seriously, Peeta? Do you even believe that? At this point I'd bet anything that they did something to mess his mind up.

Suddenly a clip of Katniss in 12 appears. And again, appears Peeta and Snow. Then, it's me talking about Rue. The airing kept breaking between capitol and 13, but most of the time, Beetee was in control. Plutarch was very happy with the results along with everybody, except for 3 people in the entire room: Katniss, Haymitch and I. Peeta was in danger… in serious danger.

It's not long before the broadcasting from the capitol wins. Snow knows now about his broadcast being interrupted. He mentions stuff about the rebels interfering the transmission of the information that incriminates them. _"The full broadcast will resume when security has been reinstated." _He said. For some reason, the phrase gives me discomfort. What does this mean?

He asks Peeta if he has something to say to Katniss. Once her name is mentioned, my doubts become certainty as his facial expression changes into a darker one.

_"Katniss...how do you think this will end? What will be left? No one is safe. Not in the Capitol. Not in the districts. And you...in Thirteen... Dead by morning!"_

And as Snow orders, _"End it!" _and we all see Beetee try to cut the broadcast with one of his, then Snow's broadcast is on again and his camera falls to the floor and captures Peeta's blood hitting it, I wait for a bomb to fall on all of our heads. All of them.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.


	13. Holding On To Life With A Rope

Sleeping. Having nightmares. Tying knots. Tying knots. Dreaming of home. Thinking of Annie. Tying knots. Tying knots. Mentally killing Snow. Imagining the trident Beetee made for me. Thinking of Annie again. Tying knots. Tying knots.

This pretty much describes my life at the bunkers.

Prim came two times with her cat when her sister was asleep. We consoled each other about our people. I kept telling her Peeta will be fine, and she kept telling me Annie will be fine. Will Annie be fine? No telling. She's no source of information, but if Snow can do anything… anything at all to torment me, he will, and he knows I know he will.

The first time in my life I felt like a father was when a bomb dropped when Prim was here. Prim was brave and there had been many bombs before this one the previous days, but this one was sudden and very strong. Prim automatically, really without thinking about it, jumped to my chest. I hugged her and told her she'll be okay, but inside I was feeling something strange. It was no longer fraternal, it was paternal. I'm only 12 years older than her but I felt, that instant, like I'm a father. Would I ever be a father?

Father. A word I always imagined but not fully. What will it mean to me to have a boy or a girl with green eyes… take them swimming and teach them fishing with a trident and tying knots? Maybe this is the only thing I'll really lose if I die young: To never know that feeling.

Katniss came once. It was at night, or so I thought.

"You're still awake?"

-"Trying not to sleep."

-"Why?"

-"Nightmares. They won't shut up."

She looks at me for seconds.

-"You, out of everybody, will understand. Prim said…."

-"Prim said?"

-"That Snow probably knows Peeta knows nothing at all. He's only keeping him there to hurt me… to break me was her exact word."

-"This doesn't surprise me, Katniss. I wonder why you didn't figure it out before. You're very important to us and Snow hates you very much that he'd try to break you on the inside as much as he can."

_-"This is what they're doing to you with Annie, isn't it?"_

_-"Well, they didn't arrest her because they thought she'd be a wealth of rebel information. They know I'd never have risked telling her anything like that. For her own protection." _I say. I know, ages ago, that it's true. It's so easy to figure out I wonder why even Prim figured it out before Katniss.

_-"Oh, Finnick. I'm so sorry,"_

_-"No, I'm sorry. That I didn't warn you somehow."_

She thinks for a while then says_, "You did warn me, though. On the hovercraft. Only when you said they'd use Peeta against me, I thought you meant like bait. To lure me into the Capitol somehow."_

I think about it. This was wrong. I waited till it was too late already and warned her. I realized now that I let the rebels use me to deceive Katniss, before the quell. I let them use me… just like the capitol did… as a part of their big machine. I shouldn't have waited, in fact, to be a part of 13th plan at all. I should have went to her on the beach when she came to my district on her victory tour, and said, "Katniss Everdeen, I'm a rebel and I want to go cause some trouble with you." I should have been really fighting now, with my people, the people of the districts. I don't belong here. I don't belong in the machine that uses people. I belong to the people. But, it's not safe to say all that here for all we know they might be somehow watching us, so I only say, _"I shouldn't have said even that. It was too late for it to be of any help to you. Since I hadn't warned you before the Quarter Quell, I should've shut up about how Snow operates."_

As a matter of fact, I didn't think Katniss loved Peeta back then. I still should have warned her, though, about the whole plan.

_"It's just that I didn't understand when I met you. After your first Games, I thought the whole romance was an act on your part. We all expected you'd continue that strategy._

_But it wasn't until Peeta hit the force field and nearly died that I…" _I hesitated. What was the word? Misunderstood? Mistook?

_-"That you what?"_

_-"That I knew I'd misjudged you." _Yes, misjudged is the most correct word._ "That you do love him. I'm not saying in what way. Maybe you don't know yourself. But anyone paying attention could see how much you care about him."_

Inside, I knew how Katniss loved Peeta. It's just that I didn't want to miss things up for her. She is already in enough mess with Peeta and Gale. And who knows, really. If what I'm thinking is true, and the capitol succeeds to alter Peeta's feelings, then she realizes how she loves him, it'll torture her forever. No, I don't want anyone to live the torture I'm getting for loving Annie.

For a while, we're only silent and she watches me tying more and more knots.

_"How do you bear it?" _She said.

How can I bear it? Could anyone looking at me right now seriously think I'm dealing with it? I'm going down… I gave up fighting… I'm a resident in a hospital… most of the time I'm knocked down… Nightmares wake me up screaming… I'm doing nothing but tying knots. I remember a day when I was an athletic young man full of youth, yes sad but powerful… vengeful. Now I'm feeling older than Mags when she died.

_"I don't, Katniss! Obviously, I don't. I drag myself out of nightmares each_

_morning and find there's no relief in waking." _But when I looked in her face I realized it's only unfair to give her more and more despair… it's as if I'm telling her that she'll end up like me one day, and I won't let that happen to somebody I love.

_-"Better not to give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." _I say it thinking of how much my life proves this to be true.

_"The more you can distract yourself, the better." _I say._ "First thing tomorrow, we'll get you your own rope. Until then, take mine."_

I give her my rope. Before she leaves, she says, "Thank you for everything, Finnick."

-"I did nothing."

-"Even if you hadn't given me your rope, simply you're here. I doubt anybody else could understand but you, right? I'm lucky to have a friend like you."

-"Forever friends?" I ask, smiling. She smiles back.

-"Forever friends. And Finnick…" I look at her, deep in her eyes.

-"You're one of the reasons I'll try to change this world." She says it and leaves.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

Finally, one day after that conversation, we went out of that place. I hated it… Claustrophobia killed me.

Before we left, I somehow succeeded to get a new rope. I gave it to Katniss and got back my old one.

As I was walking in line back to the hospital, I saw Boggs signal me with his hand to go to him, along with Gale Hawthorne who was three or four people behind me.

-"Why does he want us, do you think?"

-"Maybe they want us to shoot a propo or something." Then he shot me an unfriendly look.

What is wrong?

We still accompany each other to special defense.

A lot of people were gathered around the table including Coin herself, Plutarch, Fulvia, Haymitch and Cressida. I smell coffee, and the smell alone feels like it's giving me back my old soul. Coffee… my favorite drink from my old life.

Plutarch says something about shooting a footage and I'm barely listening… the smell of the drink sent me back in time. An old morning… years ago… Annie and I went downstairs in one of the most beautiful mornings ever to find Mags ready with breakfast and coffee.

Once I hear Plutarch ask if there are any questions, I say, _"Can we have a coffee?"_

We sit, and they offer us cups. The sight of the cup alone was enough to give me some comfort. I see Katniss, though, staring at her black drink without a real appetite. Of course, if she never added anything to it, how can she discover its beauty? I add two spoons of cream to her coffee and ask her, for some reason, with the seductive purr I haven't used ages ago, _"Want a sugar cube?" _Perhaps because the first time we met, and the first time I asked her that, was with that voice. She seems to remember the same too, and she smiles as I add 3 to her cup before she nods or gives a yes, _"Here, it improves the taste."_

We're sent out until the prep team is done putting Katniss in her Mockingjay outfit and make up. Gale still shoots me some unhappy looks. If I may start making guesses, he might be starting to think there's something between Katniss and I, for some reason. Maybe because we've been together a lot for the last few days.

But Katniss is Peeta's (Or Gale's) woman, and I'm Annie's man. Nothing other than friendship can bring Katniss and me together. What brought us together, in fact, is the same sort of suffering that we're both having… the understanding for each other's pain. It's just like what brought Prim and I together is the need of a friend… a sibling. Someone to talk to.

I won't say a thing to him, though. This is Katniss' problem and his. Who knows how she prefers to deal with it? Better not interfere.

Katniss is finally done, and we escort her, Boggs, Cressida and her team to aboveground. Once we arrive there, I take a deep breath of air desiring to die after it. We walk, and in front of the Justice Building, we see a little message. To Katniss, it was. Freshly cut red and pink roses… Snow. It's his genetically altered flowers. I recognize them by smell and I almost vomit.

What does this mean? What is he doing to Annie… to Peeta… to Johanna? Peeta gave away the plan to attack us and he's Katniss' man, Annie's mine and I know Snow wants to destroy me, and Johanna knew the rebels' secret plan. I can't think of some kind of torturing method that perhaps Snow didn't use on them.

I start shaking… and I feel like I'll pass out. I'm barely aware what those around me are saying. Cressida seems to want Katniss to say something for the propo, but Katniss looks just like me; barely ready for anything. She looks at me asking for support, so I give her a thumbs-up. I might be giving her support, but I doubt, however, my case is much better.

Katniss' pain mirrored mine. In the end, when she failed to repeat Cressida's sentence, she broke down crying hysterically.

_"What's wrong with her?"_ Asks Plutarch.

_-"She's figured out how Snow's using Peeta."_

They all reach out to her, hug her, I would have done the same if I, myself, were not about to collapse. In the end, I did. I collapsed to the floor, cried, screamed, and felt the pain of a stick in my arm, drugging me.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

The world of drugs is beautiful, I must admit. Morphling means sleep without dreams… without nightmares. Only a peaceful darkness which resembles death. Death… my one and only wish.

I'll never be addicted to drugs, though. It's this momentary fake pleasure and once you wake up from it… awaits your burning reality. Better solve your problems slowly and give them your full mind than turn around from them, to discover at one point of your life, when you're forced to wake up, that you have dozens of them unsolved.

"Finnick… Finnick! Wake up. I'm sorry, please wake up."

The voice sneaks into the darkness and breaks the silence.

-"Katniss?"

-"It's me, Finn."

-"I want to die."

-"Me too." She whispers.

Eventually, she succeeds to wake me up. There must be something important, or I'll be seriously angry. Why would you people wake me from the death! This is not fair!

"Haymitch was here. He said they're sending a rescue team."

-"A rescue team?"

-"To the capitol. They'll get Peeta, Annie and Johanna. Beetee put the plan. This is all Haymitch told me."

I see something darker, deeper in her eyes other than the effect of the good news.

-"Katniss… what's wrong?"

-"Gale is with them. Boggs leads the team. If they're discovered, they'll slaughter them all. The team, Peeta, Annie, Johanna… everybody. I'm so sorry, Finnick."

Why is she sorry? Now something changes about the way I think: Which is better, Annie being tortured by the capitol, constantly in pain, living with no relief, just like me, or dead? Which is the option I prefer for myself, endless, unbearable pain or death? Definitely death… for both of us. Yes, if she dies I'll follow, but isn't that better than waiting in this world? It's the same thought that motivated me before the quell: Death over pain, over loss.

Of course, the more beautiful probability is: They come back to us, all safe. Yet I won't dare to get my hopes up to lose her by the end of the day.

_-"Don't you see, Katniss, this will decide things. One way or the other. By the end of the day, they'll either be dead or with us. It's...it's more than we could hope for!"_

Katniss thinks about it for seconds when suddenly Haymitch breaks in.

-"You two, if you could actually bear getting out of this bed… you could do something of use. We still need a footage proving to the people that we're alive. _If we can get it in the next few hours, Beetee can air it leading up to the rescue, and maybe keep the Capitol's attention elsewhere."_

Perfect idea. Just as I imagine it: Katniss and I anger Snow on TV, distracting him from the rescue.

_-"Yes, a distraction." _I say._ "A decoy of sorts."_

_-"What we really need is something so riveting that even President Snow won't be able to tear himself away. Got anything like that?"_

Well, let's think about it.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

"Finnick, will you please help me with something here?" said Plutarch.

Katniss has been doing great with her tape. She talked about her love for Peeta and their relationship, the probability of his death and her feelings towards Snow.

-"Sure."

Haymitch comes to listen.

-"I know this might be hard for you, but… maybe you don't mind telling people what happened to you in the capitol?"

-"What do you mean?" But I know exactly what he means. I feel my face go pale and my energy fades. I was about to faint.

-"Well, you know… the deals Snow engaged you with. I'm so sorry to ask you that, but we need something attractive to the audience. You know, people die to hear that sort of things."

I was bought and sold as a prostitute! Forcibly, also! Hello Panem, you like that?

Haymitch finally speaks.

-"Plutarch, are you kidding? Don't you see his condition, already? He's barely there at all!"

-"But he must be ready to sacrifice a little for out cause, right, Finnick?"

-"Yes." Then I imagine this speech holding Snow to his seat, getting Annie and the others out of there alive. I like the idea better. "Yes, absolutely, Plutarch."

I head to take a seat before the camera. Katniss looks at me questioning what I'll say. I'm barely paying any attention to the world around, when Haymitch tells me I don't have to do this, I flatly answered him that I'll help with the best I can.

I'm scared. I might just faint in front of the camera… or my mouth goes dry and I choke… but I got myself ready. I won't fail the only thing that I can help with.

I'll just try to deal with it from a distance, as if it's Cashmere's or Enobaria's story, and I'm only telling it. As if this didn't happen to me.

_"President Snow used to...sell me..." _I felt like being more specific._ "My body, that is. I wasn't the only one. If a victor is considered desirable, the president gives them as a reward or allows people to buy them for an exorbitant amount of money. If you refuse, he kills someone you love. So you do it. I wasn't the only one, but I was the most popular. And perhaps the most defenseless, because the people I loved were so defenseless. To make themselves feel better, my patrons would make presents of money or jewelry, but I found a much more valuable form of payment. Secrets."_

I bet Plutarch only wanted the prostitution story, but didn't know about the secrets. Let's get him to like it even better.

_"And this is where you're going to want to stay tuned, President Snow, because so very many of them were about you. But let's begin with some of the others."_

And, I spilt them all.

Dark secrets. Embarrassing secrets. Funny secrets. Strange secrets. The weirdest things I was asked to do by my patrons and the secrets of their relationships or their money. I swear I could hear the echo of the whispers in the capitol right here. The secrets I enjoyed telling the most were Snow himself's. How he poisoned his enemies and his allies who threatened his positions and how he rose to power. I finish, yet they keep the cameras rolling as if they want more. But I have no more. I say only_ "Cut."_

Only after I finished I felt how much this affected me. I was breaking on the inside and somehow I succeeded to pull up a strong look on the outside.

In the morning I felt like I wouldn't get my hopes up in fear of them being crushed unmercifully, but now I feel like if Annie doesn't come here alive, I'll just kill myself and end it all.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

In Command, late at night, Katniss and I stationed. We tied knots… only tied knots. I passed the whole day with half a mind… only when the time of the rescue mission came I started to face reality.

I do realize I'm holding on to life with a rope, but at least I am holding on at all, right? No one can blame me.

Tonight I get Annie back or we both die.

_"Did you love Annie right away, Finnick?" _said Katniss.

I remember our first years. The shy distant friend. Then the ones right after the games, then the ones we finally confessed our love, or even felt it at all. I'm pretty sure before the age of 16, Annie was just my sweet little friend.

_-"No."_ I tie a knot then I add,_ "She crept up on me."_

_Katniss and I speak no more and we tie more and more knots._

A while passes before Haymitch breaks into the room… again. This time, we looked at him as if he can't talk fast enough to satisfy our impatience.

_"They're back. We're wanted in the hospital. That's all I know."_

Annie's with me. Annie's here. I got her back. It's as if my body decides to have its last break down right before it touches its salvation. I feel unable to move, as if my legs were paralyzed… a feeling similar to the feeling the fog left in me in the quarter quell. I can't even break the thought to my head… I'm afraid I'm dreaming and when I'll wake up I won't be able to handle reality and I'll kill myself. Maybe I never woke up since the time they gave me that sedative? Maybe it's all a long, drugged hallucination? But Katniss is helping me walk and it's only minutes before we're at the hospital. And once I'm at the hospital, I see her, I pay attention to no details, I simply look into her eyes as I hear her cry, "Finnick!"

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.


	14. Short Terms Happiness

I had a few months of pure happiness, after all.

Between training to catch up on what I missed when I was messed up, seeing my friends, and spending the rest of my time with Annie, my days after she came back were heaven compared to those before her.

Annie didn't change. Only in the first few days she stayed in bed shivering. What did they do to her? And why was she only wearing a sheet when I saw her? I prefer not to think… I just got her back, better hold on to the happiness than throw it away to think of hell.

Johanna… it's hard to say the same about her. They tortured her more severely because she knew the plan. She was broken… she was tired… sort of like me before I got Annie back. All her hair was shaved as part of being imprisoned or a kind of torture, maybe, but it won't be long before it goes back to shape anyway; Johanna usually keeps her hair short and spiky.

I visited her after Annie's condition became safe. She was drugged, so I had to wake her up. She was angry to be waken up; I couldn't help but smile when her anger reminded me of mine when Katniss woke me, only a few days ago, to tell me about the rescue mission, yet I was not the kind to let my anger out, like her.

Her anger faded once she saw me.

-"Finnick! I thought you were fire girl."

-"Johanna! I miss you." I say, kissing her forehead.

No, I won't say there's something between me and Johanna. There's never been any. But, just like Katniss and I were gathered the days our beloved ones were far away, what brings Johanna and I together is the feeling that we're on the same tone… we understand each other. And I, with my sarcasm and humor, and she, with her harsh honesty, would always make a good couple of friends.

-"So, Odair, like my new look?"

-"Got to love it. Suits you."

-"Makes me look as much of a man as I am, huh?" She says with a sarcastic look on her face.

-"No, leaves the spot light to your more feminine parts, actually."

This is something Johanna usually starts jokes about: Her being too manly. Johanna is actually a very beautiful girl and I'm sure it's not difficult to emphasize that. It's just that she doesn't care about it.

-"Ah, so… I do see signs of the presence of a brain under those ginger locks, now, Odair."

I laugh.

-"How is Annie?" She asks suddenly, in apparent concern.

-"She's good now."

-"Bless her. But anybody who wakes up for those eyes has to be fine already, right, Odair?"

We both laugh. This means nothing to any of us. It's only a joke.

-"Fire girl, on the other hand, is not so good. She's still in shock. You know, she thinks she loves Hawthorne, but really, I think she's Mellark's girl. I mean if she didn't care about him that much why would she be so heartbroken?"

Ah… Peeta.

Peeta's been the worst. What exactly should I start with? With him trying to choke Katniss, leaving fatal damages? Or with the news I hear that he's probably been altered to somebody else?

I cried inside when I heard it. Peeta was my friend… for two days, yes, but I felt like it was something that could have lasted longer. Now I doubt after what he did to Katniss he longs much to see me either, or anybody from his old life, really.

List of reasons why I want to kill Coriolanus Snow: Add reason "Peeta".

-"Where is Katniss anyway?"

-"Ah, you've been hiding in a closed room for 4 days. Fire girl is at 2."

I stand up immediately.

-"Why is she at 2?" I whisper.

-"She said she wanted to do something useful. Plutarch didn't seem ready to send her to the capitol so they preferred sending her to 2."

I start whispering with my teeth grinding each other… hissing… I was breathing faster and shivering.

-"Why didn't anybody tell me? What, am I officially becoming the hospital's crazy guy, now? I'm a hunger games victor! Why am I not in a battlefield already? And are they crazy to send her to 2? What if we lose her? The cause loses its symbol!"

-"Calm down, Odair! She's not alone, she's with Hawthorne, Boggs, a big team. When did you become in love with fire girl?"

-"She's my little sister! Just like you!"

-"Well she can take care of herself, she's not 12! Besides nobody wanted to take you from your girl two days after you reunited. Relax, will you?"

I start to see things in a better way. Katniss will be okay, just like Annie. She'll come back here and she'll be here for Peeta until he's back on track.

"So…" says Johanna, "What are your plans for… you know, later."

-"I'm marrying Annie." I say, as calm as I could.

She looks at me for two seconds, then says, "Congratulations, trident."

-"Thanks, axe. I must be going if I have a wedding to prepare. Also I have to be in command to stay tuned with them."

-"Will you come again, today?"

-"I will." I say, feeling a bit guilty. I wouldn't give up on Johanna, either.

Before I close the door, she yells, "See if you could invite your little crazy, bald friend to your wedding."

-"No, I won't." I say, and she laughs, last thing I hear before I lock the door.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

So what is it that people usually say about wedding nights? That they're the most beautiful nights of people's lives… that it only happens once and its specialty lasts forever… that even if you have another, it won't feel like the first.

My wedding night raised above all that.

Annie's mine now. If someone wants to take her away again, they'll have to avoid my trident.

Everybody I love -except those who are forever gone and Peeta- was there. For the first time since I came to 13 I saw people have some fun, not scared of the costs. There were none, really. There's no cost you pay for being happy for two people who reunited after they crossed flaming hells.

Annie has never looked more beautiful. She wore a green dress, the color of our eyes, that Katniss wore on her victory tour. I wore a suite that was Peeta's. They were designed by Cinna and Portia and to those of us who knew them both, it gave a pain in the heart. But tonight, it seems, we all decided to forget all that's wrong: Peeta who's lying at the hospital altered into God knows what, Cinna and Portia, Mags who gave her life for this moment, Annie's father who should have seen it…

Katniss was still in pain from the destruction of her spleen, but she was here and she danced all night. Seeing the joy in her eyes for Annie and I was definitely something. Gale was here and he seemed happy for me, he forgot about the idea of Katniss and I together, it seemed. Thank God for that. 12 was all here and 300 people from 13. Also Dalton from 10 and some of the authorities.

For those few hours we forgot about the war… the killing… the rebellion… the souls we'll lose and the souls we lost… we forgot about everything and just enjoyed being together. In the beginning when Plutarch said my wedding will be shot and aired in the whole country I was a bit bothered; who wants such a private matter to be shot for propo? But then I became happy that people were happy.

How did that affect the people around the country? Did they feel like they're fighting… dying… suffering… hurting… while we're here having safe fun? Or did they feel like I'm one of them who suffered just as much as they did, or maybe a bit more, and finally got a shot at life? Did it give them hope that one day they, too, will be happy like me?

Things went great after our wedding. Prim still comes to see me and she's one of Annie's best friends now. Katniss is not around most of the time nor is Johanna; they're constantly training. It was announced that we'd go to the capitol soon. I know I'm going this time… nobody can make me not go. I start training even harder once I hear about it.

I visited Peeta once. The visit left memories which leave me sad to recall.

Peeta, as I knew later, was really rude to Katniss the night of my wedding, when Haymitch took her to the hospital to see him. As someone he knows from the past, too, I was asked by Haymitch to visit him under supervision.

I went inside the room knowing people were watching us with cameras and in case he attacks… well, I'm bigger than him and stronger, he wouldn't be able to choke me like he did to Katniss, besides the fact that I'm ready, unlike Katniss back then, but who knows after all that has been done to him what he's able to do?

"Hello, Peeta."

He looks at me. In the beginning it's as if he's trying to remember something, then it's a cold look.

"Finnick Odair?"

-"Yes. Thank you for making my wedding's cake, it was great. How are you doing?" Act normal, they said.

-"You saved my life in the quarter quell, didn't you?" He said, ignoring my question.

-"Yes I did."

-"For her."

-"Who?"

-"Katniss." He pronounces her name with hatred he failed to hide.

-"Not only for Katniss, Peeta. I liked you."

-"They told you to save my life for the rebellion."

-"Well, that," I confess, "And also the fact that I liked you."

-"What is it that you liked about me?"

-"You're strong and brave and kind, and you fought to protect… who you loved." I was scared to mention Katniss in fear of his reaction.

-"Katniss. Say it." It's as if he's reading my thought.

-"Yes. Katniss."

He contemplates me for a second. I look at him, fixated at his eyes, so he can read my honesty.

-"You're pretty." He says with an unfriendly tone. "How is it working out for you with Katniss now?"

I try to relax. It's not his fault.

-"Dude, you made my wedding cake two days ago." I succeed to put a smile on my lips. "And actually we're friends, remember? That night in the arena after Mags died when you and I talked and you said we were friends?"

-"Mags?"

-"My… mother. She was with us in the quarter quell and she died in the fog. Remember?"

-"I sort of… have different memories about that."

-"Tell me what they are. If the scientists in the capitol have put them in your head, just know they're all wrong."

But he doesn't tell me a thing. He only looks at me as if he's starting to trust me.

-"Don't believe her. Don't believe Katniss. She's a monster. She manipulated us, all of us even her friend Gale, in order to execute her plan."

-"What plan?! Peeta you've lost it. Katniss loves you, she's the token of the rebellion! She's trying to give us all hope!"

-"Sounds like you do know her. Better than me, you think?"

-"No, not better than you. Look in the back of your mind for answers to your questions. You know Katniss perhaps better than any of us. Don't you think this is why you loved her?"

He thinks about my words for a while, but it seemed more like his memories were too altered… mutilated… to really let him believe anything else.

-"So I see now on which side you are, pretty boy. Where were you when your wife was being tortured?"

I start to lose my nerves. Haymitch comes in knowing I might say something unpleasant.

-"Let's go, Finnick."

I get up and head to the door, but not before I say to Peeta, "See you when you get your brain back."

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

Weeks after, came our final test. Later, we'd be divided into squads of 8. Thank God my trainings started after Annie came back and I was considered mentally ready, so I was able to catch up. In the end, I was able to pass that test which targeted our weaknesses. I was put into Squad 451, it's a special squad of sharpshooters, it had me, Katniss, Gale and 5 people we don't know, and lead by Boggs. I was happy to be with those people; even those I didn't know seemed nice. We, out of all squads, were in command. How important are we?

Plutarch started explaining things on a panel. Lights on the capitol's streets which represented, he said, pods. Death traps.

I was barely listening. My heart started pounding. I advanced to the panel… the map of his latest arena. Katniss, too, recognized what we're facing.

My fingers touch a part of the map as I say,_"Ladies and gentlemen..."_

_"…Let the seventy-sixth Hunger Games begin!" _says Katniss, completing my sentence.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

"Funny, isn't it?" Says Johanna. "Axe girl is not going to wave her axe slitting throats, after all."

-"It sort of gives me relief, though. You didn't see that map, Johanna. It's an arena. The 76th hunger games as Katniss said. I wouldn't want you to go there. It's enough for me that Katniss and I are going there."

-"So… you're sending yourself back to an arena to die. Not a choice I take as a surprise from you, trident."

I think for a minute.

-"For the last few weeks… My life seemed worth something. Remember before when I felt no need to fight for my life? When death seemed easy? Well, when you've got nothing you've got nothing to lose, they say. Sounds true. Now that I got Annie back and maybe one day a family… it does seem like a loss. I thought I'd live to see 4 again… swim again… see a child of my own… lie on Mags' bed and cry over her… a life, you know. This seems too much to aim for, for me."

-"You're speaking as if you're compelled to do it. I'm sure, trident, that if you tell Heavensbee or anybody that you want to stay here, they'll only hire someone else. No trouble. Don't give up a whole life only so you don't look like a coward."

-"I'm not giving my life so I don't look like a coward, Johanna. I'm giving my life because it's my duty. Because if I don't, it's not only that I'll _look_ like a coward, but I'll _be_ a coward, in fact. In war if someone's young and good enough for battle, it's what they should do. Anything that is personal… it has to be put behind. I thought you, out of all of them, would understand!"

She only looked at me… expressionless.

"Johanna, if I die there…" she looked at me in grief once I said that. She caught a shot that was on the table beside her bed, and I recognized it instantly: Morphling.

No, the last thing I want for my best friend is to become a drug addict. I caught her hand.

-"Johanna, leave this thing."

-"No."

-"Johanna, don't be cowardly!"

-"You dare?!" She yells at me. I was stunned.

"…you dare stand in there tell me you're going to die and yet ask me not to drug myself?! Who do you think you are, Odair? Nothing! Nothing… except the only person I had. And now you're going to throw yourself back to some death trap!"

-"Johanna!"

-"I'm done, okay? I'm nothing! I killed children then lost my entire family because I wouldn't become a prostitute! They caught me in that freaky place and gave me some nice electric shocks… I almost choked on water…"

-"Johanna! Stop!" I yell as loud as her.

-"… and now, somebody else just got the boy, who's probably going to die anyway!"

Silence. Both of us… silent.

It was the first time in my life I see Johanna regret something she said. She puts her hand on her mouth and her eyes shed tears.

"Finnick… get out of here." She whispers.

-"Johanna… what did that mean?" I whisper, too.

-"Please just leave me."

-"Johanna… what was that?"

She looks at me in fumigating anger… almost hatred… but no. Not hatred.

-"Why do you want to know that? It's not going to change anything. I can't even hope for it to change anything."

-"I only want to know. Why did you never tell me?"

-"Like that would change anything. Fine, Odair, I love you. I always loved you, okay? But please just go. Go, say goodbye to your wife. You have a wonderful wife even I couldn't get myself to hate her. Go and tell her you're leaving, probably for good. Okay? Forget about me. Forget about this. My feelings don't matter. Nothing matters actually, if I'll lose you both ways. But…"

She thought for seconds… still crying.

"Yes… some things matter. I thought I was not fighting to get you so you could live a happy life with the woman you love, not so you throw yourself to your own death, actually. And now you're telling me you're going there…"

-"Johanna…" I'm still whispering… unable to go louder.

-"Just go, okay? Go. Fight. Battle those monsters. Do what you're born to do. Die in one of those death traps. I'm not supposed to care, right? So go. And Finnick, please, until you go, don't visit me again. I'd like to get used to it, got it?"

I stand there… unable to move or speak. I cry for the first time since I got Annie back. Once I felt like moving, I stepped to her… I kissed her forehead and whispered, "Good bye, Johanna. Please take care of Annie for me." For it's probably the last time I see her.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

We're leaving for the capitol today.

A nurse tells me Johanna is sedated, so I go to take a look at her… probably the last.

At the hospital also, I greet Mrs. Everdeen. She seems to have been already crying, yet she cries more on my shoulder.

"Thank you for everything, son."

-"I'm the one who should be saying thank you, Mrs. Everdeen. Mother… Magnolia."

She smiles.

Then, it's Prim.

We hugged and I patted her hair.

"We'll meet again soon, brother, right?" She was not crying… she seemed more certain than her mother.

-"Of course, sister. Of course."

I wish I was actually so sure.

Then come Haymitch and Beetee.

Haymitch only hugs me a very manly, almost blank hug. But I know Haymitch enough to know he already has so many feelings.

"You know what to do, don't you, son?"

-"Go there and protect Katniss if I had to die." I say.

-"No. Fight trying to save yourself for once in your life. Okay?"

-"I'll try." I say, smiling.

-"Finnick…" Says Beetee.

I lean to greet him on his wheelchair. "Thank you for the trident, Beetee."

-"Just go back with it safe or I'll sue you for the money."

I laugh. How many times will I laugh before I'm dead? I can't be sure.

Plutarch said he wanted our squad to be a star squad, to be only shot for propos… the faces of the army in the media. But I know better. I know I won't go to the capitol without making sure Snow dies. I know Katniss too won't let the chance go. For some reason, those who came to greet me, or maybe us in general, knew that. Maybe because they knew us. Can someone who knows me and how much I suffered think for a second I'll settle for being a television doll? It's not even to be questioned.

I only have Annie left.

In the last few days, I said nothing to her. Nothing about the arena I'm going to… nothing about my intention to do a real thing in the capitol. I only got as much of her as I could, though I know I could never get enough.

I go to our compartment in my military ensemble. I know she'd get that for only one meaning.

I opened the door… she was sitting in the bed tying knots. Once she hears the door tick, she rises up cheering, "Finnick!" But before she's hugging me, her eyes are laid on the military ensemble.

"What's that?" She whispers.

-"Annie, I have to go. We're going to the capitol to end this." Involuntarily, my voice keeps lowering into whisper; the last word in the sentence was barely hearable.

-"But… but why? You can't go, Finn."

-"I should. I'm sorry Annie, I can't stay here while everybody fights. This is despicable."

-"No, Finn, no. Please. I have no one else. Please. I had a nightmare last night about it." I want to cover my ears… I don't want to hear… but I don't want to break her heart. "I had a flash back of Lantis' death… but it wasn't him… it was you, Finn. That career boy decapitated you. Finn I have a bad feeling about this." As she talks, she holds my collar. It's clear she won't let me go.

I realize as I say to her, "Annie, let me go.", that my eyes have been teary all along.

-"Finnick listen to me. I know what happened to you in the capitol, okay?"

I freeze.

-"What are you talking about?" But I know what she's talking about.

She starts crying as she says it.

-"I know what Snow forced you to do. I heard about it from some girls talking on the beach, about the affairs you had in the capitol. They didn't know I was listening… then I went to Mags… I was angry and I wanted to leave you forever, but then she told me the truth, that you were threatened our death if you don't do it, because she was scared for us. She told me not to tell you I know. Finnick, I don't want you to go to that city again. I don't want them to hurt you anymore. Stay here with me… be safe. We could be together and have children… But I feel if you go there, Finn, something bad will happen. I feel like I'll lose you."

That's enough. I can't stay. I won't stay. Stop holding me back! Please, stop holding me back!

-"Annie… please… let me go."

-"Finnick, no!"

-"Let me go!" I yelled at her… for the first time in years.

I raised my hands to take hers off my collar violently. I see her no more… the tears blur my vision.

As I turn around to the door to walk out quickly, before she says more… before she says anything that can actually make me stay… She starts yelling with a crying voice.

-"Finnick! Finnick, please! You can't go! There's something I need to tell you! Finnick, I'm-"

But the door is slammed before I hear what she's trying to say. I walk the corridor to the launch room with a blurred vision, hot tears streaming down my face, and I'm not trying to look back.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.


	15. Death Will Never Conquer

-"In the games you were trying to seduce Katniss. Real or not real?" says Peeta.

-"Not real. Katniss has never meant to me more than a sister, and you know, I already have Annie."

He silences a bit.

-"I'm a mutt… like Katniss said yesterday."

I silence too. I was heavily disappointed in Katniss today when she yelled that. I was disappointed because I know she loves him, and because I know he would have never done the same to her. I thought she'd be better to him… more helpful. I gave him my rope and taught him some basic knots to get him entertained a bit.

-"Not real. And by the way, Katniss doesn't really think so, either."

-"You saved my life in the quarter quell."

-"Real."

-"How many times?"

-"I don't like venting." I say, smiling a bit.

-"I won't consider it so."

-"Well, three times. Once from the force field, the second time when I carried you away from the fog, the third when I blocked a spear Brutus shot at you."

-"Mags died because of me."

-"Not real. Mags was willing to sacrifice herself for us from the beginning."

-"In my first games, Katniss kissed me only to get sponsors."

-"Not real." I hesitate… I don't want to interfere in their relationship or make it even more complicated. In the end, I decide to be honest to him. "Katniss loves you."

-"In which way?"

-"I can't tell, but she does."

-"In my first games, Katniss drugged me and went to the feast to get me medicine."

-"Real."

-"She was almost killed by Clove there."

-"Real."

-"In the quarter quell…." He hesitates again.

-"In the quarter quell?"

-"You and I had a conversation."

-"Real."

-"I thanked you for saving our lives."

-"Real."

-"I said we were friends."

-"Real."

-"We are friends."

-"I'd say real, but that depends entirely on your decision."

He's silent again.

-"You love Annie."

-"Real. And I've been orbiting around that fact my whole life."

-"I'm sorry. Remember, that day in 13… at the table when I was rude to you."

I remember that day.

-"It's okay, Peeta, nothing is your fault."

My companion guarding Peeta, Homes, looks at Peeta politely as if he's apologizing he'll interfere.

-"Yes, Peeta, it's not your fault. We all know that."

-"Coin sent me here to kill Katniss."

Homes and I are silent.

-"Real or not real?" He insists.

-"Real." says Homes.

He thinks for a minute.

-"You guys are going to kill me if I try to attack Katniss."

-"Not real. We'll try to stop you, but we'll also try our best not to kill you in the process."

Gale and Leeg 1 get out of their tents; it's their turn to guard.

-"See you tomorrow, Peeta." says Homes.

-"Try not to unnerve Gale." I say, smiling to make it a joke, but I mean it.

-"Thank you Homes, Finnick."

-"No problem."

I enter my tent and try to sleep…. I think of home, of my people, safe in 13, I even try to figure out what Annie was trying to say before I leave… but no, I won't. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to regret this… it's the decision of my life. My whole life flashes by and it seems like my whole life has been meant for one thing: That I fight and bring peace to this country, or at least try.

If I die doing it… yes, I'll lose Annie and I'll never live to make things up for Johanna, I'll never be there to help Peeta and Katniss, or to see a child of mine… but at least my death will be noble. War is the one hunger games where those who die are the victors. As a matter of fact, those who'll live will be the ones grieving, crying, seeking consolidation about their loved ones.

The next day, we received news that Plutarch and Coin want our tapes to be more vivid. They've set up a new block for us with two actual pods. It's not that dangerous at all; we know the pods and how they're activated, so no one will fall for them, anyway.

How long will we be playing dolls? When is Katniss deciding to take off with Boggs' Holo already? I know once she will, Gale and I at least won't let her do it without us.

We were prepared. I held my gun and my trident. Peeta was given a gun too, but told by Boggs that it's blank. Peeta replied that he wasn't so skilled with them, anyway, but what we noticed is that he was staring at Pollux way too much.

_"You're an Avox, aren't you?" _He asks Pollux_. "I can tell by the way you swallow. There were two Avoxes with me in prison. Darius and Lavinia, but the guards mostly called them the redheads. They'd been our servants in the Training Center, so they arrested them, too. I watched them being tortured to death. She was lucky. They used too much voltage and her heart stopped right off. It took days to finish him off. Beating, cutting off parts. They kept asking him questions, but he couldn't speak, he just made these horrible animal sounds. They didn't want information, you know? They wanted me to see it."_

I didn't know those two personally, yet it was not hard to imagine and it silenced us all of shock. From the look of it, Katniss and Gale knew them; after Peeta turned around, Katniss laid her head on Gale's chest for reconsolidation.

After we arrive to the block, we start shooting the propo: Boggs teaches us the exact positions of the pods. We're supposed to deactivate one with the guns, the other needs someone to activate a human censor. Jackson was chosen to.

We do real work for a while, then we try to act. Our acting turns out horrific. We kept laughing at Mitchell that Boggs ordered us to hold it together.

And because I was trying to hide my face from him while I'm still laughing, I wasn't looking when a bomb blew his lower body up.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

As I lie down before I sleep, I think of the events of the day.

Boggs is dead. Mitchell is dead. Katniss is our leader, now. Katniss claimed Coin commanded her to assassinate Snow, but I don't believe that and I know most of the others don't either, but isn't that what I came to do? Have my revenge on Snow?

We're no longer television dolls, now, we're really chased; we're really in battle.

Traces of old Peeta started to show today. I know if Snow has programmed somebody to kill, and he programmed them well enough, they won't regret it. But today Peeta seemed to hate himself for causing Mitchell's death by pushing him into a pod, and also he gave Katniss a can of lamb stew; I know from watching her first hunger games it's her favorite food. That didn't pass Katniss without notice, either.

We broke into an empty apartment and we got food. The capitol thinks we're dead, and so does 13. We figured out by tomorrow, once they'd start fetching the bodies and won't find them, they'd realize they were wrong. So we went for a safer place: Underground. The tunnels where Avoxes work. I don't know much about them but Pollux, the Avox from Cressida's team, seemed to know much. My claustrophobia starts to hit, but I'm alright, at least.

A part of me is scared for Annie. What if she was watching the television? What if she thinks I'm dead now? How would she act? I'm sure screaming is on top of the list, maybe also breaking some things and fainting. I only hope there was someone next to her trying to calm her down.

I finally fall asleep.

I have a dream. My usual one, but for some reason, it seems more realistic, this time; perhaps because it was really, really close before I come here.

I had a dream about Annie and me by the beach watching over our child…. the boy with the bronze hair and green eyes. I'm covering Annie's shoulder with my arms, but for some reason, we never talk or look at each other.

At the end of the dream, something strange happens… something that doesn't happen in it, usually.

The boy runs to us, but it seems he only sees Annie.

-"Look, mommy! I found a seashell!" He says.

Something about the seashell makes Annie shed tears.

-"You told me once I've gathered enough seashells, daddy will come home, mommy, right?"

What does he mean? Am I not home, already?

She only nods and smiles with tears in her eyes. But as he runs to the ocean again, to find more seashells, apparently, Annie whispers, "Daddy's never coming home, Anton. Daddy's never coming home."

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

I don't know if I woke up by the end of the dream already, or by Katniss' hands shaking me. All I know is that when I opened my eyes, something strange was happening. I heard distant voices… something hissing… vague words, in the beginning, but in the end, not really. In the end, it was only one word repeated.

"Katniss… Katniss… Katniss…" endlessly.

Mutts. Mutts programmed to track us and kill Katniss, in fact. They discovered our escape sooner than we expected, and the reaction was faster, for I don't feel like I slept for long.

"Katniss… Katniss…" I hear it from something closer.

Peeta in his sleep.

In the beginning, Katniss gets ready to kill him. Then, he wakes up.

_"Katniss! Get out of here!"_

_-"Why? What's making that sound?"_

_-"I don't know. Only that it has to kill you. Run! Get out! Go!"_

Of course, he's trying to protect her again.

_-"Whatever it is, it's after me. It might be a good time to split up." _says Katniss. Is she crazy? Does she think we'll really leave her to face those things alone?

_-"But we're your guard." _

_-"And your crew." _

_-"I'm not leaving you." _

She looks at us to see who's armed and ready and who's not. Of course we, the soldiers, are armed, while Cressida's men only have their cameras.

-"Finnick," she orders me, "Please take one of your guns off and give it to Castor. Peeta, hand me yours." Peeta and I follow. To me, it's fair enough because I have a trident, my own gun and I had also Boggs'. To Peeta, he has nothing else.

She places bullets in Peeta's gun and gives it to Pollux. She takes hers off, settling for her bow and arrows, and gives it to Cressida. Gale does the same for Messalla. It looks like she decided Peeta didn't need a weapon.

We leave the room. They're still far behind us, but we'll leave no place for later regrets. We just run as fast as we can. Suddenly we hear horrifying screams. Not fully screams… it's the voices of people unable to scream but under the effect of a terrible pain, they can only let out something as a loud moan. Avoxes.

_"Avoxes," _says Peeta, echoing my thoughts._ "That's what Darius sounded like when they tortured him."_

_-"The mutts must have found them." _

_-"So they're not just after Katniss." _

_-"They'll probably kill anyone. It's just that they won't stop until they get to her." _

Gale's words terrified me not because they mean we're all in danger, but because they mean those monsters will care for no obstacle, no obstacle at all, until they get to Katniss. Nothing will stop them, and nobody's death will satisfy their hunger.

_"Let me go on alone. Lead them off. I'll transfer the Holo to Jackson. The rest of you can finish the mission."_ That was Katniss. But again, I personally don't intend to leave her, and I know Gale and Peeta, at least, don't, either.

_-"No one's going to agree to that!" _says Jackson. Her dedication to Katniss, or more to the mission, surprises me. That was the woman who didn't believe Katniss and wanted to stop her, if I'm recalling correctly. Katniss does have a compelling effect, indeed.

_-"We're wasting time!"_ I say. It's the truth. Those things might be far, but we're not going to stand here arguing until they're at our throats, already.

_-"Listen."_ Said Peeta. The Avoxes' cries stopped, but now the voices repeating Katniss' name seem to come from the lower levels, also. From Katniss' face I know her plan was to go down, and now it's not functional.

We go on running, now that our only choice is aboveground, when suddenly Katniss starts choking. Jackson requests us to put our masks on, but there's no need. I know exactly what triggered Katniss… Snow's roses. The smell surrounds us.

The smell seems to drive Katniss crazy that she's running into the transfer now. The transfer is the same as the streets, except for walls, not buildings. In the transfer, there's a scary pod called the meat grinder. Katniss targets a flesh eating rat nest with one of her explosive arrows and destroys it. Suddenly I see one most scary thing.

Messalla is under the spot of some sort of golden light… but from the way he's frozen, I can't say this is just a normal golden light. It has to be some sort of special rays.

_"Katniss!"_ I yell. She turns around to see it. As we're looking, Messalla's flesh starts to melt.

_-"Can't help him! Can't!"_ That's Peeta. Is it a flash of hope for us in those circumstances that Peeta is returning, gradually but effectively, to his old self? Peeta pushes us forward to get us out of there.

And when gunfire starts from behind us, I realize it's the meat grinder next to us and the peacekeepers behind. We start to shoot back, all of us with guns and Katniss and Gale with their arrows, but as we do, something strange happens.

The mutts… the creatures hissing Katniss' name, advance. And as they advance, the peacekeepers are decapitated in a matter of seconds. So now we're surrounded by creatures which kill their own allies too to get to their target. Great.

I look at their tight white skins and their heads and their tails… lizards. Lizard mutts the size of a grown human.

Those poisonous reptiles start crawling to us. Katniss immediately chooses the direction of the meat grinder. _"This way!"_ she yells at us. We stick to the wall to avoid the pod. Only after we've passed, Katniss shoots the pod and activates it. I realize she wants to block the way for the mutts, but who knows what those creatures are able to do, really? The metal teeth rise up and the street becomes a mess.

Katniss, it seems, decided our lives are more important than the mission, even if only temporarily. What would my own decision be? I don't know. I surely want to get out of here… I don't want to die here. Underground… by the teeth of those creatures… I want to see the sun one last time.

_"Forget the mission. What's the quickest way aboveground?"_She asks Pollux.

We follow him. We arrive to some pipe with an unbearable smell, but that was no time for the luxury of disgust. We run in that pipe for a while until we arrive to a yard and we see under it a scary fire burning some chemical substances, above it there was a bridge. Some of us found it easy to cross, some did it slowly. We finally arrived to a ladder which leads to aboveground. We lost no one to that yard, but Katniss realized we lost Leeg 1 and Jackson to the mutts. They stopped at the meat grinder to block their way, but the mutts got them. We realized they did because they were crawling right after us. Their smell of Snow's roses mixed with the disgusting smell of the pipe that Katniss seemed unable to bear it, but I held on.

I remember Leeg 1 and Jackson… how helpful and supportive, and even protective of Katniss they were. We lost them now. Next? Probably not someone that distant… probably me.

Gale exploded the bridge to block the mutts.

Those creatures were probably the worst mutts I've ever seen, and I've seen many, I've been a mentor for 9 years. But Snow's desire to kill 23 children doesn't equal his desire to kill us, apparently. The numbers of those creatures were unbelievable. We shot all we got at them, but still, they were crawling to us. They were tearing each other apart with their teeth; their hunger to us blinded them. I don't want to imagine what happens to us once they get to us.

Katniss looked crazy. She was unable to bear the smell of blood and roses. We tried to shake her, yell at her, as the mutts were getting closer. She explodes the head of one of them with one of her arrows. But Pollux has already started climbing. If Pollux is the guide, then who's the most important one of us, the one who should be following him? Katniss.

Katniss is currently paralyzed, she won't move on her own. I lift her and place her on the ladder. I yell at her to climb; we don't have much time. Gale follows her, then Peeta and Cressida. Homes, Castor and I are last.

The others start climbing a second ladder, and I only guess it's finally over when the mutts get to Homes and Castor and there's only me, a few steps away.

"Katniss!" I yell. Not that I want her to risk her life to save me, but only that I want to take a look at someone I know and love before I'm gone.

I know it's over, but I won't die surrendering. I try and push them off with my trident, but even if I succeed to push three or four, the others are coming.

My last wish is granted. Katniss is safe; she seems to be arguing with Gale about something; then she lights Cressida's gun to look at me as I'm dying.

No, this wasn't my story, after all. This wasn't the story about me ending up happy with the ones I love… this was a story about me, dying as part of a whole, for other people to be happy.

But I don't regret it. I don't regret being a soldier at war. I don't regret dying for the people I love. And as I think about it now, I believe I couldn't wish for a better death. Men like me were not born to die from their hearts on their beds… men like me are born to fight till their last minute.

Annie's safe. Katniss is safe. Prim is safe. Johanna's safe. Peeta… Mrs. Everdeen… Haymitch… Beetee… my family and friends are safe. This is what I'm fighting for... or what I was fighting for, anyway. I'm dying now… happy that they'll be okay. That Annie will be alive and will have someone to help her… that Katniss will achieve what she's here for and will save this country and have a family with Peeta or Gale one day… that Prim will live a long life and be happy with Rory… that Mrs. Everdeen will live to see her two daughters happy… that Haymitch will probably stop drinking and start facing life… that Johanna will find a better man than me one day, one who'll love her… this is all enough to make me happy. I don't have to live and see it… it's enough for me to know it'll happen.

And all those thoughts cross my head before a mutt finally gets its teeth to it and separates it from my throat.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

No, the way to heaven is not a stairway. It's a road… a long road.

I'm surprisingly happy… my body feels surprisingly comfortable and light. I'm wearing a white shirt and white pants. The road is surrounded by darkness, but the end of it seems like the source of the light of the whole world.

I walk… and as I arrive, I'm stunned by the light which surrounds everything: My vision… the people standing there to welcome me… everything.

First, a girl. A beautiful young girl with light brown hair, shades lighter than Annie's and blue eyes. I start, slowly, to recognize her, although I never saw her that age.

Mags.

She hugs me and whispers, "You were brave, my boy. The perfect man I raised you to be."

Raised you to be? When she looks like that it's hard to believe she died any older than 20.

"Mags! What's the story? Why do you look like you took a time machine?"

Cinna laughs. I recognize him more easily because he died young.

-"Everybody is in their early 20s here, Finnick. Forever."

Anton's next to her. She was right, he looked like me. He smiled at me as I greeted him.

-"You know son…" whispers Mags. "I fought for the day you'd be happy. And looking down from here, I saw you… the most beautiful groom I've ever seen… with Annie. At least you had some happiness. And I'm relieved now you're here. No one will be ever able to hurt you here. There are others I want you to meet."

She leads me further.

I see a man with green eyes and brown hair. Although he didn't die young, he, too, was easier to recognize than Mags.

"Father!" Not really father, but he was indeed, my father by all means.

-"Ah, we're the same age here, Finn. Call me Frederick."

-"Frederick… I missed you."

-"We all missed you, too, son. And… don't call me father anymore. See, your real father might get angry."

My real father.

There he is… bronze hair… golden skin… green eyes… even more stunning than I am… and he's standing with my mother. She had hay colored hair and hazel eyes. I inherited all from him.

"Ah… now I know like whom I look, huh?"

We all laugh. They hug me.

-"We're very, very proud of you son. We're sorry we left you. If only we knew we could see you grow to be so brave and good… we would have never left."

I smile at them.

-"It's okay."

I meet a second mother figure… Senthia.

We hug each other. "Senthia! You look good, you know."

-"I always did, fisherman." We all laugh.

Then, comes a young man who also died older, but was not hard to recognize.

"Boggs!" He hugs me.

-"You offered Katniss the protection I failed to. Thank you, son."

-"You're welcome!"

He's followed by another man… this time I'm sure I never knew him.

I never knew him… but those features are impossible not to recognize. The grey eyes… the black soft hair… the olive skin…

-"Mr. Everdeen!"

-"I'm very, very grateful, Finnick. For everything you did for my family. Thank you."

A beautiful girl, 13, 12 years old max comes. She has beautiful wide eyes with feathery lashes and a beautiful rich skin color. In the beginning I don't recognize her, but then it seems easy.

-"Rue!"

-"Finnick!" She runs at me and holds my hand.

-"I looked down on you. I'm sorry for how much you suffered and thank you for protecting Katniss… thank you so much for doing what I was not able to do. And when you talked about me in that TV propo…"

I only smiled at her. I realize now why she reminded Katniss of Prim. The only difference between the two girls was their appearance.

-"Why are you still l2?"

-"If you die younger than twenty, you come here the same age and you grow up, year by year, until you reach it. Then you remain 20 forever."

-"Because nobody's childhood should be taken away." I say, and she nods.

I got welcomed, then, by the children I mentored. The place was more than I ever imagined that I find it hard to describe it with words. A terrific meadow… woods, safe woods, not like those in the hunger games… an ocean.

My own castle, of course, was by the ocean. The people I love lead me there.

-"Is everything so perfect here?"

-"Of course." Replies Mags, smiling.

-"Well then if that is the case… we are the real winners while those who lived are the fallen."

I guess I'll know.

Only a few days later, Prim came. It was the first time since I came here that I felt angry… terrified. I started yelling once she arrived. Her father, too, seemed pretty irritated.

-"What is she doing here? She's not supposed to be here!"

-"Finnick!" Says Mags. "Remember that you said! We are the winners! Do you want her to be a winner or not?"

-"She was too young, Mags! Way too young!"

-"I guess she'll be the last one too young to come here, right?"

Yes.

Rue comes to welcome Prim and the two girls are friends immediately. My two young sisters I never had.

Prim confessed to me, once I became calmer, that Annie was pregnant. In the beginning I was heartbroken, but then I realized he or she, Annie, Katniss, Johanna, Peeta, and everyone I love who's still living and struggling in that lethal world is to follow us one day. And then, they'll be happy.

The next few days, watching down, we knew the capitol fell. Katniss was in very, very bad condition, Prim and Rue cried over her… her father kept whispering to her to be strong… and all the others kept wishing the best for her.

Katniss killed Coin and Snow choked on his own blood, as I wished, one day. Seems only fair, now that I know Coin is the one who sent Prim here. They didn't come here, though, they fell from the road to the darkness of hell and for eternity, they'll burn in agony.

Months after, Annie gave birth to my child. She named him Anton like I dreamt… the last dream before my death. He looked everything like me… but he was more beautiful.

And more months after, Peeta and Katniss married. They were each other's relief… shelter. He lost his entire family and so has she. They only had each other.

Sometimes, we, the fallen… or more correctly, the real victors, gathered to talk about them. I talked about Annie and the moments she saw things which were not there and I succeeded to calm her down by telling her they're not real. About Johanna, and how she pretended to be fine when in reality, her whole world was collapsing. About Katniss, and the spark I caught from her.

Mags remembers Annie and all the children that she mentored.

Anton thinks about his family more than anything. Cinna and Portia talk about Katniss and Peeta and how much they missed them, and sometimes laugh at the things Effie and Haymitch did.

Rue remembers her family and Katniss… and speaks of how grateful she was for Peeta's gift to them. Prim speaks of her mother, Katniss, Gale and her pets, Lady and Buttercup.

My parents and Mr. Everdeen talk about the childhood of their children, grieving how they missed it.

Boggs talked about his little boy, his wife, and Katniss.

The fallen tributes speak of their parents… their friends… siblings… boyfriends and girlfriends… the lives they missed.

In the end, we were all happy. Not only we're happy and safe here, but also our beloved ones are still alive, and now their world is better. Yes we miss them, but we're relieved by their happiness.

They remember us, too. With tears in their eyes, Katniss and Peeta drew a book about us. They remembered me… Prim… Rue… Boggs… Mr. Everdeen… Peeta's family… everyone they loved.

I once heard the things you whisper to your loved ones transmit from here to their souls. Ever since, every night, I sing a lullaby for Annie and my child. I also try my best to guide Johanna's soul. She's been living with them… helping Annie with everything. For that I'll be forever grateful.

Now I dare say I'm a victor.

**The End.**


End file.
